I posted this in another forum as well as I'm trying to get as much advice as I can to make the appropriate decisions. Forgive me for being long-winded but here goes nothing....

Background..... I hesitate to call myself "stepmom" as my boyfriend and I aren't married but I'll do so here in an effort to keep it simple. We've been in each others lives for 3 years and lived together for two. In the beginning, many, many issues and hurdles popped up in regards to my stepchildren, SS13 and SS22. When I say issues and hurdles I mean not following house rules and general non-compliance all the way up to the oldest SS telling his Father that I and my kids (D11 & S9) needed to go. All over asking him to help his Father take out the trash....

My response was to keep providing stability, consistency and reward positive and appropriate behavior. I just *knew* that if I didn't take it personally, stayed calm and stable that eventually everyone would come around and we would live together in harmony. Yeah, that didn't happen.

Its gotten to the point where SS's won't even interact with me if SO isn't within ear shot. Literally, they will sneak around the house to avoid me at all costs. The longest they've gone without acknowledging my presence is a full week. I've taken a huge step towards disengaging with SS13 (SS22 I have never engaged with much as he's an adult, albeit one that still lives in our home) but it seems to have the opposite effect. SS13 will use my disengagement against me to prove to his Grandpa, brother and my SO about how unfairly he's treated, etc. Maybe I'm doing it wrong? For example, over the holiday break my bio kids and I went to do something fun. Nothing major, we went to the library and a book store lol. I asked SS13 if he wanted to come and he said no. The kids and I stopped for lunch while out and I was raked over the coals for not bringing him lunch (SO was at work). My response was that I asked him to join us, he said no. It's not my duty to make sure he has a lunch. There are plenty of snacks and food for him to eat at the house. If he wanted lunch out, he should have come with us! But I treated him differently. Because you know, when I treat him the same and ask him to pick up his things or do his homework it goes over so well....

My FIL is also becoming an issue in our relationship. Last night we had a huge blow up at our house with my FIL. He's always been cranky with me (yelling, putting his finger in my face, making comments about my weight, etc). I've come to ignore it and just remove myself from whatever room he's in (because he's 84 and apparently that gives him an excuse to be snarky) but he's taken to picking on my bio-kids. Stupid, little, tiny things that he'll make snarky comments on and last night I had it. He likes to make digs about how my kids aren't considered his grandkids yet will nitpick them to death like he cares about their wellbeing. Sorry, you can't have it both ways. I asked him to stop and that set him off to say the least. He said that we've had discord between the two of us since the beginning (true, although I have no idea why. I've never had issues with the families of any of my previous relationships) and that he was done with it and if my SO wanted to stay with me, he would remove himself from our life. I responded that I didn't care what he said about me but I was not going to sit by and let him pick on my kids. I also told him that I have never spoken to him disrespectfully as he has me and that I wasn't going to allow it to happen anymore. I then asked my son to return to his bedroom and removed myself to my room. I'm proud of myself for not yelling but the tears were streaming down my face. He knows he got to me.

My SO continued to speak to his Dad about all of this and I couldn't really hear what was said. I did hear my SS13 interject himself into the conversation and he sounded practically giddy about the whole exchange. After a bit SS13 walked FIL home (yes, we live on the same street. Uprooted our lives to move close to him after my MIL died) and I'm sure they had a good time complaining about how horrible I am on the way.

After a bit my SO came in and asked me what happened. Umm, you were sitting right there.... I told him that I felt like I was living behind enemy lines and that his Dad's first response was to try to emotionally blackmail him for staying in a relationship with me. I told him that I didn't feel safe, I didn't feel secure and I wasn't going to cower and ignore when his Dad was picking on my kids. I told him that I didn't think it was appropriate for SS13 to have been allowed to be a participant in the conversation and that he sounded rather happy about the event. He responded by saying that SS13 "loves me", etc. I told him that SS13 responds much differently to me when he's in the room than he does when he's not around. I also told him that my intention of blending our families was to merge two families together, not systematically rip them apart. I told him that if this was how things were going to be handled that I would go and that I didn't really care if I didn't have the money. I told him that I've been poor most of my life and its not like I"m rolling in it now with bills and 6-7 mouths to feed every night and that I've figured it out before and I'll do it again if needed but I wasn't going to teach my children that it was okay to not value your own self worth because they didn't feel like they could afford to leave.

I said too much and we didn't talk for the rest of the night. He left this morning without saying anything. I always set the alarm for him, wake him up and then doze back off until he's out of the shower. This morning I woke him up, and he just left. Didn't say a word. Thankfully I didn't sleep worth a flip last night anyway or I would have probably overslept this morning.

Idk, I just feel horrible about the whole thing. I feel like I said more than I should have as I let my emotions get the best of me. I feel like I'm tired of scratching and clawing for my place in his family and I'm tired of being the scapegoat and the person everyone complains about. He's starting to resent me for talking to him about how his family treats me and I'm starting to resent him for not sticking up for me. FFS, I cook his Dad dinner every night and he has the nerve to come in our home and treat me and my children this way? My SO blows it off and basically thinks that I'm making mountains out of molehills. And maybe I am... I don't really know what to think anymore. Am I crazy? Is this normal and just something I should come to expect? I feel like such an idiot.... I moved my kids into this situation and trusted him. My kids adore my SO and SS's. And here I am ripping apart another family for them. What kind of mother am I?

What in the world do I do? Any advice and all perspectives are appreciated. I'm under no illusions that I have been perfect in all of this. For example, I've recently stopped asking SO to step in with SS's disrespected me opting to just ignore and let it roll off but last night it came tumbling out again. I know that's not easy for him to hear. I did text him this morning and let him know that I knew he was upset with me, I knew I had said too much, I knew he was trying his best and that I was too. He responded that he was too upset to talk about it. I've really made a mess of things....