I need help from someone who also deals with similar issues
Okay so I am engaged, we've been together for 4 years and have a 2 year old son togther. My fiance has a 9 year old son from a previous marriage. We used to have him 14 days a month but due to a recent job change he comes over evry other weekend. I don't know what to do, this 9 year old has th mentality and maturity of a 5/6 YR OLD. He hits my 2 year old has to be told 10x before he can understand or follow simple directions and his father gives him time outs still, so i feel he is held unaccountable for his negative actions. Sometimes he is so rude to me he will completely ignore me or talk back to me in my home. Personally Ive tried to get along with him for years but it seems we just dont get along. Is it possible for my relationship with his father to work? I work weekends and don't mind because it means i have to spend less time with soon to be step son. His father finally asked why I dont want to spend my freetime with his son. So I finally broke down and explained to his father that we have conflicting personalities and I have tried but his son is annoying and gets under my skin and i'd rather not spend my only day off with his son. So of course he was mad but I can't take it anymore, he is not my child and I shouldnt have to treat him as mine, especially with the disrespect i have endured for the last 4 years. So of course my fiance is mad and said that maybe we should end it all because I dont like his son. So my question is this Is it okay for him to leave me and OUR son that we have together, becasue me and his son have clashing personalities and dont like each other? Because to me that sounds like he is choosing one son over the other. I didnt say his son couldnt come over, i just said I'm not going out of my way to spend extra days with him, sorry but he drives me nuts. Someone please help me
Hold off on marriage for now.
Hold off on marriage for now. Im only saying this because when I married my husband a year ago, we had similar problems. Now we are separated. This needs to work out before you get married. Have you guys tried family counseling?
I told my fiance it would be
I told my fiance it would be a good idea to see a counselor because we have a lot of issues stemming from this. I said not only do I need help but he also needs to understand I'm not completely out of line with my feelings. My priorities right now are finishing nursing school, and my 2 yr old, and for once doing for me and not trying to please anyone else.
I think couples counseling as
I think couples counseling as well as getting family counseling would help. I hope it all works out. And kudos to you for finishing nursing school and raising a 2 year old!!!
BF wants to get married as
BF wants to get married as well.
I'm holding off on the marriage because I feel he is putting too much responsibility on me for his daughter (10 y/o). I only see this getting worse if we become husband and wife.
She's an OK kid most of the time. I just don't want to spend, honestly, any time with her if he's not there (and to be even more honest, it wouldn't destroy my life if she didn't exist at all). BF and I recently got into a big fight because he brought her to the house and fell asleep, leaving me to look after her. He has also drawn the 'maybe we should break up if you won't cater to my kid' card.
What I did was, I waited until I was very calm-I mean REALLY calm, because I had to be able to maintain my patience even when he inevitably got pissed off at what I was saying. I told him how I felt with ZERO attitude in my voice and posture, let him get snarky, and said nothing else. My BF is able to calm down eventually, and he saw my point. I find that this works, but I have to be able to explain my point of view and get through the discussion without getting irritated, which is very difficult for me.
During our most recent fight, I turned the guilt-trip back on him. I told him that his daughter visits to see him, and that he needs to spend time with her...that these words are coming from her, not me, and he is depriving her. I turned it from him inconveniencing me to making it about him neglecting his daughter. For a minute I thought I crossed the line (I don't want to tell him how to parent), but I think I broke him. Its still too soon to tell if any real changes are going to take place.