please help? going insane over step son.
okay I will give you a little background. My Fiance and I have been together for almost 4 years, and when we first got together his son just turned 5, and he was very clear from the beginning that his son came first, he's even gone as far as telling me he will never love me more than his son. However, this has supposedly changed now that we have a child together. At first his son stayed with us 14 days a month, but that changed because he could not afford to work around his visitation schedule and provide for the new baby(we were going without so he could have time with his son.) During the beginning his son always came first, so I did resent it a little, but I now don't know what to do. I'm miserable every time he comes over, he doesn't like me he makes it very apparent. He won't answer me, he ignores everything I say, he has no hygiene, and being 9 years old he is academically and socially slow(even as far as wrestling 1yr old brother, or taking toys from him) for his age. It's my house and I should be shown respect, especially in front of my own child. I don't know what to do because we just don't get along. My fiance on the other hand coud care less, and feels I should just accept our relationship the way it is. What makes me even more angry is he constantly talks about getting full custody of his son. I finally broke down and told him that I could not live with him full time nor should I have to, and that if he gets full custody me and our son will move out. My fiance doesn't seem to care, and I feel as though he is very selfish. My son deserves a father, but he also deserves to have a mother who is sane and not miserable and on edge all the time(the way I will be if he moves in full time). What should I do? Am I wrong to demand he doesn't live with us?
I am always wary of when a
I am always wary of when a parents wants full custody unless there is abuse or neglect going on in the other household. Is your husband concerned there may be some abuse at the mother's home? If not, then he is likely doing this just to be in control which isn't fair to his child, to BM, or to you. You are already feeling as if your sanity is at stake. It is not right for one household to share 100% of the responsibility. That your husband does not care if you and your son move out doesn't say much about your relationship. Do you really want to be in a relationship where the man doesn't care whether or not you are there? Are you wrong to demand he not live there? I think it's wrong to "demand" it but not wrong to "expect" the child's mother to take care of him 50% of the time. 50/50 custody is a fair arrangement, and I don't think your husband is right for trying to change it unless the child is being abused. If you would like to try talking to him about this, I would leave out how difficult his son is for you to deal with and use some other angle like not being able to afford it, or how much SS would miss his mother and its not fair to separate the two of them.
no. you are not wrong. i
no. you are not wrong. i am currently in a position where sd11 is driving me insane and i am seeking help for it. my mental stability drops when she is around and bf has her ft cause bm is unfit and lives out of state. my bf thinks i am selfish for wanting to leave with our bd3 cause of sd11.
why does he want full custody? is the bm bad? your dh needs to know how his son is making you feel, it isnt healthy, trust me i know.
good luck hun.
i don't think you're wrong
i don't think you're wrong at all. my first concern is why doesn't your BF care if you and your son move out? whether he has another child or not, that is never a good sign. i don't blame you for not wanting full custody. that wasn't how it was when you got together with your fiance, so it's hard to think of that changing. it's totally reasonable for you to discuss your concerns with your fiance. once he reacts and makes a decision, the ball is sort of in your court. i think if i were in your position i would be second guessing this relationship. it's not fair for you and your child to be second all the time.
MY advice would be to move
MY advice would be to move out temporarily and see if and how things change. I'm sure your DH will realize how much he actually wants you to be there and how much he loves you and your son together. He is probably feeling defensive and protective of his son given the fact that you clearly are not too fond of him and his BM is apparently "unfit" enough that he wants full custody. I'm sort of in the same situation so I know how you feel. My BF wants full custody because he wants control, whereas I have met and talked with the BM and her husband and they clearly are the better parenting team between the 4 of us. My BF is a loving father but like alot of men, does not have the slightest idea of how to be a good parent which includes setting boundaries, rules, discipline, rewards, etc. When SS is over he has free reign of everything and its absolutely insane. But back to you, I would seriously reconsider the kind of future you want for yourself and your son. You do not deserve to feel like you're BF's lowest priority. You deserve a full, committed, initimate relationship with a husband that loves you and is thankful everyday that you're in his life and vice versa. good luck, update us if things happen!
Your bf is the issue....the
Your bf is the issue....the son is second. I'ld be more concerned over the fact that he doesn't care and that he does nothing to guard you against his sons behaviour.
Wehn my stepkids acted out when younger , my dh put them in their place and fast. He stood by my side. I understand the love between a parent and child. And i think you are not wrong in any manner to say waht you said to him. That you will leave with young son...and he doesn't even care of losing you or the new son.....he cares about the other..very odd to me and very selfish on his part as a father to two children and as a husband to you.
Sorry, if he goes down that path, let him leave. He doesn't sound worth keeping..plus i would strongly advise no overnight for your young son due to the older ones behaviour. I would go as far as him having supervised visitation for the first several years.
Wrestlying with a one year old? you could snap their necks and father didn't have anything to say about this?
My two skids came for a visit and started to physically fight over the babies crib. one of them slammed into the wood frame. My dh came running like a charging lion, SCREAMED AT THEM and physically grabbed each of them by the arm , quickly took them out of the baby room and grounded them. This is an example of what a father will do for any of his kids. He also came to the defense of his son (SS) against his own daughter....
Your bf doesn't seem to have your interest first and i would think long and hard. Sit down with him again and tell him you feelings and if he doesnt' change, dont wait for him to get custody....leave ...(by having you it makes it easier for custody, to have a woman....most men will not get custody if living alone with no woman figure...) This is how courts see it.... because a mother has a nurturing nature. Yes its biases...my own dh's is great with his kids and he's be great if he had custody but the courts do not see it this way. Socially its seen that the woman does everythign for the child and the father does little emotionally, and well beign of the child....Hopefully this type of attitude will change and good fathers who deserve custody will get their kids.