I told DH my true unfiltered feelings about ss7
First and foremost, I am not married; rather, I have been in a relationship for 6 years with a man who has a 7 year old son. I have a daughter9 and son8 from previous relationships. When I got into a relationship wit DH(for abbreviations sake), the idea of him having a child never bothered me. Heck, I had two of my own (how could that ever really bother me -_-)? The more the relationship progressed, the more I thought I adored our little blend of a family. My children are very close with his son because they grew up together and consider him a sibling. My dh has split custody and ss7 comes to our home EOW and anytime the bm doesnt want to deal with him, like now for spring break. My initial issue with this (along with many other occasions) was that dh works nights and sleeps during the day. I despise the fact that he offers to watch his son with his schedule and winds up never really watching him because he is asleep. Even on some weekends when I dont even have my own bio kids, dh expects me to embrace this opportunity with his son when it can altogether be a kid-free night for me. Now, I stayed quiet for years and as you all know, it was bound to boil over at some point. Well, that point was about a year ago and dh took it better than expected. He told me he understood and he would ask me first for future situations. It didnt last very long and now im back in the same boat, more pissed off than ever. Resentment has had its way with me and I honestly cant even stand to look at the child anymore. In describing my frustrations with Dh many times before, I basically tell him, "Your son just has a way with my nerves sometimes". This time however, I wasnt so nice. I let him know that the sight of his son pisses me off and when I know he is coming, my entire day is ruined. I explained how his visits are cringe-worthy and if he cant understand where im coming from then I want out of this relationship. I'm torn because I dont think he should dismiss his visits for my peace or anything like that but he doesnt care that I dont consider myself a babysitter and I honestly dont see it getting any better. Im always confused because I dont know whether resentment has caused me to dislike this child or maybe, (im embarrassed to say) I just blatently dont like this child. The thought bothers me because I feel evil as shit but these feelings arent going away. Dh is getting pretty pissed off with me and I think my honesty hurt him bad. A little bit of me wants to stay for the sake of the children but a larger piece is saying, "The hell with em" because nothing is going to change. Not to mention, I'm sooooo glad we never had any kids of our own!
Hi Tsweets- welcome to
Hi Tsweets- welcome to Steptalk. You have put in a nutshell what so many of us feel (felt), that despite all our efforts we just cannot shake off those negative feelings about kids that aren't our own. There is a need for some psychological research into this, I feel, because then we would better prepare ourselves for this reality.
As it is, we put up with the caring for someone else's child often with silent but deep resentment that we dare not express, until it all spills out. If only we could have these conversations at the beginning, when these resentments first surface but are still quite shallow.
The resentment for you seems compounded by your DH's reluctance to accept his role in all this ( I call this Ostrich syndrome, and it is very common) he is not accepting his responsibilty for the care of this child and sees you as the uncomplaining babysitter. He will never, ever accept the fact that you do not like his child. He sees it as a rejection of his own manhood (and we know how much men care about that!) and therefore he will be hurt but will never see your honesty and need to express your feelings as a good thing. He may come to hate you for it- that is what happened to me.
I am just in my second week after walking out on the ostrich in my life. He chose his childen over me, even though they are adults. It is very sad but at least I'm free of all that unnatural exprectation that I should be happy with his putting his chidren before me. That was my job, and when I stopped doing it he had no further use for me.
Your feelings are your guide, I'm glad I got out now while I can still earn money and make a life. I wish you all the luck in the world, and keep us posted about how you're getting on.
Hi
Hi-I could be wrong, but what occurred to me as I was reading your post Tsweets, is that maybe at the newness-beginning of our relationships we are basking in such lust/love/adoration for these guys. We overlook stuff that is right under our noses,,,maybe everything is ok at first but when the “dew is off the roses” and real life settles in, skids start getting really annoying, the guys get more passive about their kids bad behavior, resentment starts creeping in. The resentment gets bigger and bigger, because if we voice our feelings we look like the bad guy or are told “you dont like my kids”...Unfortunately, this gets worse as the step kids get older....You can look at the posts/forums on this site and see it is a re-occurring issue...
Welcome to the club. I know
Welcome to the club. I know it's difficult to be in your position.
I'm wondering if you can help us understand what exactly is the issue here. Is it that you are being charged with the care of a child that isn't yours and you resent that intrusion into your time? Or are there issues that are specific to the child and his behavior etc? Is it that your DH seems to be able to have his kid around for his "fun times" but isn't present as a parent at all and putting all that responsibility on your shoulders?
Some other details that might feed into the equation are how often your own kids are in the home. How much time and effort does your DH put in with your children. How is their relationship with him? Is he welcoming of them into every facet of your lives? Do you work outside the home or are you a homeaker? In other words, was the split of responsibilties possibly allocated out and assumed that you would do child care and take care of the home and he would do work and bring home income?
I do understand your frustration and I think that it's hard for some people to not understand why people don't love their kids like THEY do. Also rolled into this is the fact that this is a living breathing child and at 7 years old... all kids can be a bit annoying and have things to learn about behavior etc... and while not letting kids get away with murder, it has to be somewhat difficult to be shuttled between homes and rules and be put with adults that honestly don't seem to like you very much. That does have to be hard... and it's what I tried to think of when my DH's girls got on my last nerve. They didn't ask for the situation that they are in. And.. in intact families..you would have your kids full time.. so the 'kid free" time is probably less common.. and in fact, there is nothing wrong with you getting a babysitter for the boy so you and your DH can enjoy a date night occasionally.
Disengagement is a possibility, but that may be difficult if you are needed/expected to be the primary caregiver for the boy. Of course the option of him spending more time with his mother might be an option, but then you may have the alternative of your DH having to spend more money on Child Support and that may not be a good option either.
Maybe you could work with a therapist on your resentment issues in a non-judgemental forum.. vs trying to tell your DH how much his child bothers you... which may ultimately irreperably damage your relationship with him.