I will prewarn everyone before I start as this will be complex and lengthy, but I need somewhere to vent, and I have no one to talk to, so I need to get this out of my system. I'm not from the US, and I moved here six years ago when I married my husband. I have a biological daughter and a stepdaughter. So my bio child is the same age as my stepchild; both are opposites. My daughter is very affectionate and passionate and loses her temper quickly. My stepdaughter is quiet, considerate, and emotionally mature for her age. Still, she hates physical affection and needs personal space, so they have butted heads a lot over the past six years.

In the beginning, my husband and I argued a lot about money, the kids, and everything different about our opinions. Recently, our relationship (between him and I) has been solid. We enjoy spending time together and are comfortable with our expectations of each other regarding our relationship. However, we have never agreed on how to parent the kids. Now they are both 14 and have just started high school. My biological daughter has a learning disability; she is ADHD and suffers from depression and anxiety. My stepdaughter has been suffering from some depression the past couple of years as my bio daughter's behavior can sometimes be unacceptable. We punish my daughter appropriately for bad behavior, but it doesn't help. The whole family dynamic evolves around whether she is having a good day or not, and recently she's been having more and more bad days.

My husband's solution is for us to live separately until the girls graduate high school. They are in the same social circles at school, which negatively affects their whole social group. Yesterday my daughter didn't get the flu shot like she was told. My stepdaughter has a strong sense of responsibility, and she told her she should have got it. My daughter ignored her and was trying to stare ahead; my stepdaughter pulled my daughter to turn toward her by her shoulder as she wanted her to pay attention, and my daughter freaked out, saying that she grabbed her neck and grabbed my stepdaughter's neck. The friends seem to have taken my stepdaughter's side, saying she did not touch my daughter's neck. My husband wonders if we lived separately, the girls would behave better at school, and then he and I could go on dates together once a week.

This is how I see the situation: My stepdaughter should of minded her own business. It is not her place to parent my daughter. However, I understand she was doing this because she was concerned and did not have evil intent. My daughter is going through a complex phrase; she is rebelling majorly. I have had her in therapy, but she refuses to participate, so right now, we are not attending. I can't let my daughter's behavior continue regardless of whether we have to move out or not. Still, my husband is very strict with discipline, and not letting her attend clubs because of grades or hang out with friends outside of school because of her behavior is making the situation worse. My mother-in-law's solution is to ship us back off to where we came from. Considering my daughter's education and the system in the country I come from are VERY different, that is not the best idea right now. If we were back home, she should be sitting important exams, and she has not have learned any of the content for these exams.

I still see the problem as being my stepdaughter won't mind her own business and trying to parent my daughter, and my daughter's behavior sucks. I have always tried to raise her to be considerate of other people's feelings, to do important things, and take personal responsibility, but she is not. I don't think my husband's solution is the answer; it's teaching both children to run from their problems. He is also teaching my daughter that every man in her life will abandon her, not helping her mental health issues. But I agree with him that the environment between them is toxic, but I don't know how to fix it.

I have no idea how to deal with this issue; I finish my degree program next summer and am considering taking my daughter abroad with me and having her complete high school online so that she can get out of this hostile environment and perhaps learn some world perspective. This idea was spurred on by my husband, saying we should live separately and wanted to make it into a favorable situation rather than a negative situation. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to correct her behavior, she does understand how she is affecting everyone, but often it seems like she doesn't care. At times she is emotionally manipulative, and she lies. Her biological father is not in the picture. She has had some contact with him via email, but she doesn't like him, and he makes her uncomfortable, so she chooses not to contact him. He hasn't been around since she was four years old, and between him and my husband, they have made all men seem unreliable.

If anyone has any ideas on things I could try, I'd appreciate it, but I mainly posted to take off some of the edge of how I feel right now.

Thank you if you read this far.