including daughter not living with us in Christmas photo card
I have been married to my second husband for nearly 3 years and between us we have four children -- my 2 stepsons who live with us full time (mother deceased) and my own son and daughter children who, until early this year, lived with us the majority of the time (every other weekend and one night a week with their father). This year has been tough because my oldest daughter -- 15yo -- moved to live with her father full time (wanted more independence and less rules), and only sees ME for 1-2 hours a week. Right now she does not spend any time with my husband or her step-brothers (except she has gone with all of us maybe 2-3 weekends this year to visit my parents)... but of course sees her own brother when he goes to visit his dad.
Of course I'm dealing with all sorts of issues right now ... but one of the very minor "weird" things over this holiday season is how to send our Christmas cards. We usually include a photo of all 6 of us and send to both my husband and my family and friends. I don't know whether to try to get my daughter to come take a family photo with us (which my husband is pretty opposed to because of the pain she has caused to me/us over this past year and because she is never here ... plus she is likely not to want to come anyway) ... or to send out a card with individual photos of the kids and INCLUDE her (maybe a collage with a photo of my husband and me in one pic, and then individuals of each child) ... or just do a family photo and not include my daughter? Part of me just wants to NOT send Christmas cards this year or just send a non-photo version, but my husband says that his family enjoys seeing how the kids have changed.
If she even lived with us part time ... this would not be an issue ... but since she only spend time with me and my son ... don't know how to address this. I'm hopeful that some day the situation will change and she will come around more or move back with us, but right now looks rather bleak.
If you like doing the Xmas
If you like doing the Xmas photo, call her and tell her if she wants to be included she needs to be @ blahblahblah at blahblah o'clock on blahblah date. She is to wear appropriate clothing. If she chooses not to make an appearance she can NEVER EVER throw it back at you "You excluded ME!" Not ever. It is called CYA.
My own DD tried the alienation thingy for a couple of years. The theoretical door was always unlocked for her to return to our odd little family fold. However there were terms and conditions. They were not rxtreme or hurtful but involved respecting our relationship and home rules (which are pretty lax). She came back when the world spat her out.
I would certainly give DD an option to attend or don't send a photo card. I used to sign our cards "Oneofffour, DH and assorted offspring". It covers everyone living in the home...or not. But now they are all out on their own the "assorted offspring" bit has been dropped.
She is 15. I promise you, on
She is 15. I promise you, on this one you want to let her know that despite everything that has gone on, you love her and are proud of her and WANT her in the Christmas picture. If she does not come, then 20 years down the road she will look back and think, "Ugh! I was such a little b.... when I was a teen.". If you just exclude her, you will only accomplish one thing. You won't feel better but you will verify her feelings of not being loved/ good enough. It isn't you. Think about when you were a teen and if you are honest with yourself, you will remember some times you rebelled against your parents to try to get their attention. I hope she transitions through this phase that all of us women went through at one point or another quickly, for your sanity, of course. Hang in there.
Oh and another point, the
Oh and another point, the whole family photo as a Christmas card isn't even for those of us in the picture. It is technically supposed to show change in us for those we do not see regularly. Another reason for her to be invited.
She's the kid,, she's your
She's the kid,, she's your daughter - she's in the photo. Face washed, clean clothes, smiling - even if the photographer has to take 50 'takes'.
Don't ask her just tell her you'll be picking her up so and so time so be ready.
Let her know her favorite treat comes afterwards, ice cream shop that sort of thing. Bribery can't hurt.
I agree with oneoffour. Tell
I agree with oneoffour. Tell her the Christmas photo is being taken for the cards, tell her you would like her to be in it, and give her the date and time. Allow her to make her own decision. If she was old enough to be allowed to decide what parent to live with, she should be old enough to decide whether or not she wants to be in the card. Leaving her out without even asking her is a bit cruel. It is sending her a message that you no longer accept her as part of your family.