Long rant! Help!

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I've been with my husband for 8 years, he has a now 16 year old daughter(2 adult daughter as well but we have full custody of 16 year old. I've helped raise her for half her life. Her mother has been in and out of her life, it's their normal. I have 2 of my own as well(9 and 18)

In the beginning it was rough but for the first 2 years her mother had no involvement, we bonded and she was mine. Still is.

Recently teenage life has been hard. But she has been completely disrespectful toward all of us( her dad, siblings and me) she's starting to make snarky comments toward me and my children completely out of the blue. Tried to talk to her because we have had 8 years of open and honest loving talks and she completely disregards me like I'm nothing.

I'd say this past month has just went from rude to down right WTF. my son turned 18, driving, got an old truck to work on, hes graduating, landed a good job for his age, got his own place on our property, tattoo... Just doing damn good and we are so proud of him. He's come really far. Well that's when step daughter started with her crazy shit... So not only has she been disrespectful acting like a spoiled little narcissist, but she started talking crap about my son at school. She's a sophomore he's a senior and it got back to him. This really hurt him because they've been besties for 8 years. They've never had an issue. Everyone fights with my youngest cuz she's the youngest but they always had each others backs. So it was like wtf again why?

She started telling her friends my daughter is a bed wetter and so when a friend would come they'd talk shit to my daughter. Another wtf. So I told her dad I can't talk this anymore you have to talk to her cuz I'm just hurt and mad. So he did and she just shut him out and started being hateful to everyone.

So now it's a few days before Thanksgiving break and a minimum day, I drop my youngest off with my son and I go back to work, few minutes late the ring cam shows SD and 6 friends walk through the door. Youngest calls me crying saying they're doing bad stuff in the room and she smells smoke. I'm like what!? Like fire?? I call my son and he goes in to investigate and tells me the whole house smells like weed! WTF I call my husband and tell him he can deal with it. I can't because I'm already hated for no reason a long with my kids. My daughter's crying because her sister is doing something bad and now she thinks she'll be hated for life by her. My husband sends her a message "our house isn't a frat house tell your friends to leave, we will talk when I get home." He pretty much was cool and calm and told her that she's gonna do what she wants but not in our house. And he gets on to her about other shit. Well I'm still at work so I have no idea what's going on at the house... I get home and him and her are chilling watching TV like all is well so I make a joke thinking it'll break the ice with her and I, I said, "damn my house smells like weed" my husband laughed and she got pissed and went in her room and slammed the door. We don't see her again til the next day when she's packing up stuff to go to her mom's for Thanksgiving break....

She hadnt been home since! We've reached out and nothing. Her older sister has an apartment near their mother so we get some updates, she is telling her mother and anyone who will listen that we are neglecting her. That we don't get her anything thing she needs like shoes or clothes. Bitch what!? Now we are big mad because she is spoiled! Her father buys her anything she wants. I get off brand health products she gets expensive name brand things. I bought her 2 new pairs of shoes recently that she didn't need, from a high end store. It is our fault she's spoiled. My kids get told no all the time mind you....

anyway I've been hurting about it and it's been on my mind so i wrote a very heartfelt dm(teens lol) and she writes back "it's weird that you're writing me these things and not my own father." I wrote back saying, "it's not weird because I'm sad that things are like this right now. I just wanted you to know that you're loved and if something's going on you can talk to us. Christmas is coming up and we did buy you things that I know you'll love when you decide to come home." She reads it and then blocks me! Her dad is pissed and trys to call blocked. She blocked us on every platform possible. She blocked everyone in our family including my son. My husband sent all her presents back. I feel so sad and guilty for wrapping the other kids gifts and nothing for her. But we are blocked. I feel like we won't come back from this. Her mother is not a good mother and should be kicking her back home eventually, I'm actually shocked she is still there because they don't last more than 2 weeks. Idk. Are we the bad guys?

Nope, not the bad guys.

So, play SD's game, call the cops about her pot smoking in a house with a young kid, cut her off. No gifts, no reach outs.

You, DH, and your kids go about your best lives without her and do not give her a thought. At least as much as that is possible. Shit people are a write off. Even when they are kids. Particularly when they are 16+. She is near the age where forced emancipation is an option.

I would consider it.

If she wants to be a dope smoking lying POS, treat her as what she is. A dope smoking lying POS.

Good riddance.

She does not care. Why should anyone else in your home? Including her father.

That's where we're at. He

That's where we're at. He pays for that phone she blocked us on too, so good luck getting pos mom to pay your phone bill. She'll realize the grass isn't greener over there but it's so bad there's no way she can just come home. I dont think I can move passes this. But I still feel guilty AF.

Make better choices on your

Make better choices on your feelings. I get that most people would not agree, but IMHO how someone feels is their choice.

Stop feeling guilty. You did not kock this POS kid down, sit on her, and shove blunts up her nose and force clouds of weed smoke into her lungs.

Not your proble, nothing to feel guilty about. Make her own her shit. She is... that shit.

Eliz! Why in the world do you

Eliz! Why in the world do you feel guilty? Are you simply plucking the free-floating guilt out of the air? Hon, the only thing that you should possibly feel guilty about is spoiling your stepdaughter.

~ It is our fault she's spoiled. My kids get told no all the time mind you....~

Clearly, the girl has a sense of entitlement to the degree that she tantrums over being criticized for a pot party in your home, as if she is exempt from the rules about consuming illegal substances.

There should have been significant consequences for your SD’s behaviour; your husband dropped the ball by not only failing to discipline her but ~ chilling watching TV like all is well. ~ Your SD has a lot to learn and the best way for that to happen is to ignore her completely, block her from social media and stop paying her bills! She is plenty old enough to know what she’s doing and that her deliberate malice has hurt your family. In your shoes, I’d refuse to have her return to your home. She’s lost that privilege.

I don't think it's guilt I'm

I don't think it's guilt I'm feeling, I think it's hurt and anger idk. But yes, he shut her phone off and blocked his cards from anything linked to her. Pretty much everything has been great at home. It's like the bad energy has left the building with her.

Elizmama, you’ve written

Elizmama, you’ve written,

~ it's like the bad energy has left the building with her. ~

and I can truly relate to that feeling of ease and relief when a toxic, disruptive, teenaged girl removes herself from the family. When my own SD, at about the same age, became intolerable and was banned to her mother’s care, the atmosphere in our home underwent a 180 degree turn for the better.

My SD and I are now good friends as she matured significantly in her late teens/early twenties but unlike your SD, was only nasty to me; her basic character was pretty decent. You are also very fortunate in having a husband who supports you. My husband also had my back although the (temporary) loss of his daughter was devastating to him. It looks like you’ll all be able to enjoy your Christmas with the Grinch elsewhere!

She Made a Very Bad Move

And it needs to be permanent. With other kids in your home & the damage she has done, she can't come back. She caused all of the problems & was already given plenty of opportunities to discuss or fix it. She slammed the door shut by blocking everyone. Leave it shut & turn your attention to caring for & protecting the children remaining in your home. I am sorry this happened to you as it seems you have been the one true stability in her life.

I really have been the one

I really have been the one person she could run to too! Idk what happened but that's the part that hurts the most. I really love her, she has even told me she wished I was her birth mom. Hurts. But that's why I feel like it can never go back to the way it was again. She fucked up big. Thank you. You guys are making me feel better about all this.

? ? ?

You pay for her phone and she blocks you ? Guest want. Her cell service gets cut off. SD now that she left to BM. Isn't allow back in until things are really settled. She is not your kid you have nothing to feel guilty about. She must apologize, like really apologize. Must work at makeing amends with the other family members.
'You draw up a written agreement between you DH and SD spelling out what she must do. Say GOOD Morning, Clesn her room. Don't used the home as a flop house. No drugs. Just a few to start with. So everything is spelled out. Any disrespect she back with BM YOU. Don't need her. She needs you.

We did pay for her phone, not

We did pay for her phone, not anymore! I don't think she'll ever be back. It'll take A LOT to move passed this.

SD has given you an early

SD has given you an early Christmas gift. She left! You didn't kick her out, she went via tantrum! I agree with those who say don't let her back. If you start by demanding DH cut her off (stop paying phone) and that she stays at BM's, you could "give" the phone as a concession. She stays at BM's, but you guys keep paying the phone so DH can talk to her whenever he wants. Small price to pay.

She is bullying your own bio children at home and at school. Your first priority when it comes to meeting *needs* is to them. Their need for emotional safety at home beats SD's need to tantrum. SD is with her mother, who I assume hasn't lost or given up parental rights? If BM goes for child support, you guys should go after the back child support that i'm assuming BM didn't pay during those years she didn't see SD.

Oh he cancelled her phone

Oh he cancelled her phone real quick. Her mother can start paying for shit and if she doesn't then that's not our problem. We have 100% full custody of her. Her mother is allowed visits. She won't go back to court so not worried about child support. She's pretty horrible, and SD is following in her narstist munipitve ways. I'm sure some bi polar too.