This is a mess !
I haven't posted anything in a while, but that definitely isn't because a lack of activity in our house. So, the BM has just served my DH with child custody papers. She lied like a rug throughout the petition that she filed starting with her address. I couldn't believe that she used an abandoned house as an address, but being that she isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer; she used the incorrect zip code. But, that is neither here nor there. What takes the cake is that in the petition the BM stated that the SD had asked her to file for joint custody because I was verbally abusive ??!! What a bunch of crock !The SD is currently failing 4 out of 5 classes as I write this. I have emotionally detached myself from SD because I was tired of constantly getting my feelings hurt. No more homework help, rides to school, trips to the mall or buying two of everything so the SD doesn't get jealous. At first I felt so guilty, but that feeling quickly went out the window. I have been nothing, but good to the SD and really can't wait until she is 18 so I can start shining up the door knob. The tension in the house when the SD is home can be felt by anyone visiting. So, the SD thankfully has been spending more time in her room and not in the DH or my mouth. The DH is torn because he really does adore his daughter, but her attitude gets her in alot of trouble and not just at home.
The BM also went on to state that the SD tells her EVERYTHING that is said in our household. I guess I can't be too surprised because the SD and I are still at odds. The SD is basically playing everybody against each other and is actually the one who is in the middle. The SD is the one stuck with a BM who isn't worth a pile of beans, not me. Thankfully, I have a BD of my own who I adore and have been spending much more time with. I have left the parenting of the SD strictly up to her father because I became tired of being portrayed as some sort of villain. THe DH and I have also stopped discussing family business in front of the SD. We just wait until she visits the BM or we talk on our cells to each other before we get home. Any feedback ???!!!
Maybe it's for the best...
I know that this will hurt DH but maybe having SD stay with BM is for the best. I completely understand what you are going through and I have gone through the same. Time after time I took SD shopping, hosted parties (halloween, bday), spent 1 on 1 time with her to "bond". What a joke - what did I get in return? Lies, manipulation and jealousy. I distanced myself from her and we still don't talk which is fine by me. If our DH's enable the SD's what else can we do? Your idea of keeping family issues from her is spot on, your marriage and your family is none of her business. You can only hope that after being cut off from a good stable home the SD will come to appreciate you.
Glynne
I needed that !
Thank you for your response because I have been holding this all in for so long and I started to feel like some sort of Cruella DeVille. I realize that I am a human being before I am anything else and that means that I have to do whats best for me. Hopefully, the SD will get her act together before she goes out there in the big world and that is only 3 years away. My motto still remains " you may not like me but you will respect me...
Integrity
Just remember that word and live by it. You know that you're not Cruella! How many times did I say to my SD, all I ask is that you treat me with the same courtesy and respect as I treat you. Did it work - no. But I have a clear conscience. Good luck.
Glynne
I agree with Glynne
Maybe SD needs a good dose of reality with life at BM's house. I don't know what is going on in these kids minds most of the time, I know my SD likes being at our house more than she does BM's but she will still lie to her BM and make me out to be evil. I guess I could chalk it up to attention seeking behavior with SD but I really don't know. Don't feel guily, you are doing the best you can with the cards you've been delt, detaching in a good thing.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
Stand for something or fall for anything
This step-parent thing is difficult and is a challenge everyday. True, I had somewhat of an idea when DH and I married, but this has turned into a survival of the fittest. I know that it's not suppose to be that way, but it is. I guess that like all things that we are not familiar with, it's a hit and miss type of situation. The DH and BM go to court next week for custody and I have decided that I will not be attending. I refuse to let anyone else (BM or SD ) take me out of my comfort zone of reasonability. The DH and I have a marriage that is getting stronger everyday and we both are committed to staying together. So with that being said, I am not going anywhere. I have also let it be known to SD that her rude and crude beahavior toward my BD will not be tolerated by me at all. Just last week the SD slammed her door in my BD's face and I calmly let her father know what had just happened and that he needed to get a grip on the situation. I then called one of my infamous " family meetings" and called out the misbehavior and the consequences that would now be enforced. But, instead of appearing hostile, I was cool as a fan. Now the way that I handle my situation works for me and may not work for everyone else but to each is own.
Perfect response
Your family meeting is a perfect response - I am impressed. All behavior is out in the open and subject to consequences - plus it is not a knee jerk reaction to the behavior but a calm and planned response. Way to go!!
Glynne
our BM
actually filed a motion to modify based on the allegation that i was emotionally and physically abusing SD. they went to mediation and were ready to sign off until she called my FH and made the claim that now his son was sexually abusing her. what a nutcase rite? anyway, we are still going thru the process of getting taht all straitened out but the GAL assigned to the case said its on the burden of her to prove and the supposed allegations of a 3 yr old dont count as proof. so dont be worried about that. i know it sucks and it hurts and its hard to deal w but what she says wont change a thing. i think ours was trying to get more CS, and ruin some innocent lives in the process. yours prob have a similar sick agenda.
and dont worry about removing yrself from SD. u are only really expected to do the bare minimum for her. i do the same thing ever since the allegation. her mom has poisoned the relationship so i just keep my distance to protect myself.