My new Wife does not like my 6 yr old son

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So here is my issue. I have just remarried just over a month ago, I had been with her for the past couple of years. We are both late 30s and have kids of our own, she has a a 6&8 year old boy and I have a 6 & 12 year old boy and 17 yr old girl. The problem is that my wife does not like my six year old. This is not a secret that she doesn't care for him. My son is very attached to me and his mother, and can be a handful at times. When he is around I swear the only time she will talk to him is to correct him or yell at him about something. I swear I just catch her glaring at him. I think he can sense it also. We don't have her kids and my kids together most of the time, we are on opposite schedules with our EXs, which I think is a good thing. She is pretty decent with my other two kids, but the youngest just irritates her to no end. When her two boys are around it is sickening how shw spoils and cottels them, I about can't stand it. They are good boys and I love them, just very spoiled. I know she doesnt like it when I disciplin them, but she tolerates it most of the time, but I'm to the point that when her kids are there and both of us, I let her deal with them. I djust don'y know what to do, I love her very, very much and she does love me, but how she is with my son is really bothering me. I feel like im on edge when my kids are around and I feel like I shouldn't leave him with alone with her so he doesn't get on her nerves and get yelled at all the time. My six year old can be a little pistol and I'm not saying he doesnt deserve to get yelled at some times, but she has a hard to just wanting to be nice to him. I do think he senses it also and I know he likes her, but has and does get jealous when I spend extra time with my wife when he is around. yet he is the six year old and not the adult, so I feel she needs to give in a bit more and try harder. I know I'm rambling, but I'm just very frustrated and I'm determined to make our marriage work. Both my wife and I are working proffesionals and do lead busy lives, but family does come first.

Any ideas or advice wouold be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening.

Okay, I think it is important

Okay, I think it is important you step back and see what is truly happening. You say she gets along fine with your other two kids, so it's obviously not the fact that she doesn't like them simply because they are your children.

Can you look at this honestly and ask yourself if you see this happening? I know it may come off sounding harsh, but this is what we at Steptalk have seen multiple times with fathers and their children.

You admitted yourself that you 6 year old can be a handful, what does that mean? Is he hyperactive, rude, disrespectful, play rough, always needing to be the center of attention etc? If he is any of these things, and YOU as the father do not correct it, then I would dislike the child too, be I a stranger or a wife. Ever walk into a store seeing a child run buck wild because his parents are too afraid or lazy to discipline? If that is honestly what is happening, then yeah, I don't think anyone would be happy in that situation.

You said your son gets jealous of her--how do you handle this? A child should not be jealous of the adult because the child will end up doing things trying to revert attention back to them. If you do not address these issues, then any person, be it man or woman, would get tired if a child is constantly trying to fight for their partner's attention. They are the adult, but they have feelings too. How would you feel, if around her children, she neglects you because they get "jealous"?

Unless she's okay with him being left alone with her, you SHOULDN'T leave him alone with her. She is your wife, not your babysitter. The kids are there to see you, not her. However, if leaving her with him is something you do often, because you think as a woman she should do the mothering, especially if she doesn't want to or is unable to handle his behavior, then it is no wonder she would end up disliking him because you are creating a situation in which she is unhappy. Stop leaving him with her if that's the case.

You said she is okay with you disciplining her children, but right now you are evidently not okay with her disciplining your child. Discipline should be the job of the bioparent to begin with, so if you do your part with him, then she won't see the need to discipline him. Know what I mean? If you're on him first about unacceptable behavior, she won't be.

In any case, I wish you the best of luck in blending your family. And I really commend you for coming on this site, knowing it's probably the lion's den, and asking for help. Bravo.

I completely agree with

I completely agree with not2sureimsanea!

Everything that you have said is spot on. Especially the part in which you stated that a child should not be jealous or vying for attention over an adult.

OP- If it was the biomom, would this be acceptable behavior, or would you tell him that you need to have time with mom. The foundation of any family are the parents (steps and bios). This blended family is your new family. Your wife should be the one who sets the rules of the house, and who you should feel free to lather attention on her. Otherwise, it is NOT going to work.

I hope that you dont think that I am attacking you, because I am not. But I am telling you that NO woman out there is going to love your kid like you do. The most you can ask for is MUTUAL (not just from your wife, but from your six year old kid) as well.

Otherwise your son will tear up the relationship. If that happens then I sincerely hope that you do not put another woman through a marriage and divorce. Because after your son sees that he has all of the control and power over his father, and that he can pretty much make his father break up and have him all to himself, he will not let that go. That is an awful lot of power and control for a little boy to have, and I fear if you give him that power, then who he will turn out to be.

Thank you for the feedback,

Thank you for the feedback, this is alittle more detail. Even before we wer married we talkd about kids and she admited to me that she struggles with the fact that I do have children even though she has two of her own. She also admitted to having some ill feelings towards my youngest. She feels that he has emotional issues due to his mother and that he does irritate her alot. We talked about how to handle it and initially she was trying to spend more time with him to make it better but that didnt last to long. I did tell her that I am a package deal and I love my kids. My ex wife has mental health issues and I do think my son has inheritated a few of her traits unfortunatly. Actually I correct him all of the time, actually I feel as if thats all I do and then i feel guilty that all I have done is yell and discipline him while he is with me. In general he is very "Klingy" to me and he is this way when he is with his mother also. I do not leave him alone with her as a babysitter, but if I have to run somewhere or have a commitment, I can not always take him with so he will stay at home just as the other kids, but I always feel as if Im the buffer between him and her. Trust me, its not that I mind that she disciplines him, I just don't want her to just pick on him which appears to be the case. My son can do the same thing her 6 or 8 year old does, but she will handle them completly different. She has no patience for my son. I guess I feel guilty because I feel as if I do choose my wife over my son and I also feel that I find myself siding with her even when I don't agree with her actgions... does that make sense? Ugg... frustrating.

Thanks for your input. One

Thanks for your input. One thing I can say is that I will not tolerate him or any one of our children being rude or disrespectful to any adult let alone myself or my wife. I have some pretty strong morals and behavioral standards. In my previous marage I was always the one disciniplinarian and my ex wife would let the children get away with murder. I don't expect my new wife to love them like she does her own children, but I do expect her to respect them and treat them fairly as she would any of the other children including her won.

Sounds about how I feel about

Sounds about how I feel about my SS7. I get along fine with my SD12. SS7 gets away with everytihng because 'well he is just being a boy'. I didn't know just being a boy meant he got a free ticket to be rude, loud, destructive, above all rules and coddled by dada and mama.

"I feel like I shouldn't leave him with alone with her." Then don't leave him alone with her. I personally try my best to NEVER be alone with SS7 since I am not allowed to say or do anything about his behaviour. I find its unfair for my DH to dump his out of control (pistol\handful) son on me because he thinks his behaviour is cute - I don't - I find it unappropriate and am sad my DH is ok with how he acts. Since I am not allowed to be authoritative with his son - I feel I shouldn't have to assume any responsibility for him either and its unfair for DH to expect otherwise.

If I could be candid with my husband, this is what I would tell him...

DH, I love you very very much, I want my life with you forever. Please parent your children and allow me to parent mine. You are nothing but bonus to my children and I appreciate when you choose to participate with them - that is all I expect from you. I hope that your expectations to me are the same. Anything I CHOOSE to do is bonus and nothing should be expected as they are not my children. Both your children and my children have a mother and father already. Caring for your children includes cleaning up after them, helping them with their homework, ensuring they have clothing when needed and are eating properly, that they have fun and know they are loved by their parents (bio). I expect my children to be respectful of you and your things as I hope you expect your children to be respectful of me and my things.
The end

You see, just watching the way my DH allows his son to treat him frustrates me to no end. No its not cute to watch a 7 year old dictate and yell orders at his father, or argue to the death or defy openly and laugh. I do not tolerate that from my own kids I sure as hell am not making an exception for someone elses kid either. SS7 treats me about the same as he treats DH I suppose for the most part. The difference is DH is allowed to get mad or frustrated and its all ok but if I do, OMG - I just hate his son.

The double standards of the level of participation DH has with my kids and the expectation of participation I am supposed to have in DH's opinion with his kids is unbalanced. I do not love my step children. I ensure they have clean clothing, healthy meals, and we go out and have fun as a 'family' if you want to call it that. To me its like taking the neighbors kids out only they sleep here a lot. I am not mean, I am simply indifferent and my DH doesn't like it.

If he doesn't like it, then he needs to gain some control of SS7 and teach him to respect others, starting with DH himself. I am embarassed by SS7 in public due to his rudeness - DH is constantly saying, i'm sorry, i'm sorry on behalf of SS7 to strangers - I take no credit.

SD and I do fine. DH is much harder on her as a parent than he ever is with SS7. Its made a difference. SD would NEVER get away with acting the way SS7 does to me - so there you have it. I agree with the poster above - look a little closer - your wife is fine with the other children - why??

I find watching SS7 disrespect his father and DH bowing down to him causes me to see DH in another light, and its not a nice light - so while you are looking at your wife with thoughts of why doesn't she like my son, I dont like this part of her, she may be looking back and thinking, this is not the man I married, he's being ruled by his son and I am losing respect for him.

Thank you for your

Thank you for your thoughts.

One difference is the fact that I don't think his behavior is cute or it's just him being young or a boy when he does certain things. I do think all children are still children, but they have to follow rules and act appropriatly. I will ussually be the first to correct him when he is being a little SH*T, but it's the nit pickling every thing he does. She littlerly picks on him when they are in the same room together. Since we do have 3 other boys the comparison is very clear on how unfairly this is being done. We don't really have a choice to just parent our own children, when are in this together. My wife is works full time and is back in school for her 2nd masters degree which means every Saturday I watch the children no matter if its hers or mine, I also work fulltime and in the process of finishing my masters degree. We lead busy lives and there are times where we must be parents to all of the children.

"We lead busy lives and there

"We lead busy lives and there are times where we must be parents to all of the children."

Wrong. First mistake in most step marriages I think.

You are to be a parent to your own bio children. If you are left to care for your spouses children, you are a caregiver but you are not a parent. You are no more than a teacher or uncle or babysitter in reality. Its your job to ensure they don't get hurt, that you are polite, that they have what they need. What does the daycare\camp do with a misbehaving child? They write a report and call the parents. I know this because SS7 who is so cute produces many of these. The PARENT is required to sign it and deal with their child.

I am certain my DH says I nit pick on SS7 - he does 10 times the crap any other kid does in this house - even if I nit pick on every 4th offense - its still tons more than I have to for any other kid in this house. DH thinks its unfair of me to SS7 - I think its unfair of DH to me to saddle me with a child like this then strip all my authority and any comment I make means 'I hate his son' even when I am trying to help the child so he learns basic manners so he doesn't continue getting written up at school for the same offenses.

Its not her child, she doesn't love him, she shouldn't have to - as long as she provides for him as much as any babysitter should - she is upholding her duties - anything more is bonus.

I know its sounds harsh - i am not a big meanie who hates my skids. In fact often I end up spending more time with the skids than either bio parent does in a week. I learned at the end of the first year of my marriage that SS7 and I weren't going to blend and disengaged. Due to his age, there are a certain amount of caregiver duties I must perform for his well being. I do that - much like a babysitter does. I am polite, I always answer him when I am spoken to - often if its out of my engagement control the answer may be, you will have to ask your father when he gets home. I have set clear boundaries where SS7 is concerned. I have myself to protect and my 2 bios to care for, in addition I have SD12 who due to her brother is often forgotten by both bio parents.

I am not that harsh - but in no way do I ever HAVE to love my skids - if it happens great, bonus.

Hahahahahaha!! I hate my SS5

Hahahahahaha!! I hate my SS5 just for the fact that he is not a good looking kid... aka ugly... aka has a face only a biomother could love.

I'll bet you got more here

I'll bet you got more here than you bargained for? Well as a male I have to agree that you should look carefully at the dynamics of what's going on. Step-parents don't automatically like step-kids and are quicker to reject their behavoir. That's just the way it is. In addition to the advise given above I'd like you to print out the following linked document and both you and your new partner read and give it consideration.

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

Thanks, i will look into it

Dtzy-I couldn't agree more -

Dtzy-I couldn't agree more - think I will print this out:)

Awesome post! I too believe

Awesome post! I too believe that in a marriage the married couple must put each other first and the rest will fall into place. Children learn how to be married in their future by watching how you are married to each other. It's great to be affectionate with your children, but if it takes the place of being affectionate with your spouse, there's something wrong. My husband and I have a blended family and at times we have allowed our teenage children to get between and it has been disastrous. Kids leave and start their own families, leaving the parents behind. If you haven't put your spouse first in all things, what will you have once the kids fly the coup??!!?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^This!!^^^^^^^^^^

^^^^^^^^^^^^^This!!^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Frustrated Father.....truth

Frustrated Father.....truth be told, I don't like my husband's son either. We have been together 17 years, so it can work. She doesn't HAVE to love your kids. She just has to love you.

you are so right..friends

you are so right..friends dont let friends become step parents!!love that!!!
thanks for the humor today:):)

"step parenting is more of a

"step parenting is more of a job than a relationsip"~I completely 100% agree. I have no relationship with my ss9. But, I pride myself in the fact that I forced dad and his family to ACCEPT his AUTISM diagnosis and get him treated (yes, they ignored the diagnosis made at age 2) finally start getting him the therapies he requires, went to all IEP meetings at school, got his physical therapy orthotic diagnosed and got him fitted for orthotics, taught him how to do shitloads of things for himself, and a SHITLOAD of other things. Oh, and he got 2 brothers who really enjoy him most of the time as part of the package. However, I do feel like he's a job. I don't 'love' him. If his mother showed up out of her drug induced state all cleaned up and wanted him, she wouldn't have to twist my arm to take him home with her. I am not affectionate with him, just don't feel it. never did. It really is like a professional relationship that I have with the kid. I'm his advocate. That's all I can be to him. If he wants affection and love, he needs to go to his father. Might sound harsh, but it is what it is. I have 2 bios of my own, and pretty sure hubby sees them as a job too!

i feel for you!!!..i have

i feel for you!!!..i have been the step child and now the step parent soon to be a new mom...i know how both sides feel...i will tell you that its normal not to like your spouses child..however glaring at the child and yelling is not nice behaviour..no matter what your son must come first...no matter what...and as a step parent its the hardest thing i have come to realize...the chils is innocent and yelling at him should not be allowed by anyone except you and your exwife..i have never yelled at my step son..never..and i cant stand the sight of him sometimes..but he is an innocent child no matter what...and children can feel and know when someone doesnt like them and they are children and can have issues from step parents mistreating them..i would never wanna cause that for my step son...what you do now will determine who is he as a person..and that includes your new wife...therapy has helped my husband and i...it will help you if you can find the right therapist...its an outlet and maybe there is something she is mad at a taking out on your son...i am sorry because you are stuck in a hard place and i know my husband feels the same...but yelling at my 7 year old step son isnt the solution...i blame my husband and trust me my step son is spoiled rotten and not very nice..but hes a child and i dont blame him..i wish you the best and hope it gets better for you and your family!!!

Sir, why did you just marry a

Sir, why did you just marry a woman who you know "it's no secret" she doesn't like your very young child? Why would you choose to subject him to that?
I would never knowingly marry someone who disliked/despised/rejected my child.

I think that you are

I think that you are defending your son just a little too much here. You are complaining about your wife yet you seem to be in denial about you son's behaviors. You say he's a 'pistol' and he's jealous. I agree with the other posters that it is your job to correct him, it's NOT cute when he misbehaves to the point whereby he is an obnoxious pest and, truthfully, I would not like the kid iether! Your six year old son should be learning the same boundaries as the rest of the family, or you will end up with total resentments all round...not just with your wife!

I have a few questions:

I have a few questions: You've explained your son. You've explained your wife. She is the Adult and should give him more room, try to be nicer to him per you. Well let me ask: Did she start out disliking him or has she hit a wall with him after all of his pistoling? I am not a big fan of my SS8 but I was fine with him when he was younger, 4-5 and it must have been around 6 that I realized what kind of child he was becoming. And it's squarely on the shoulders of his Mom and my Husband. I don't mistreat him -treat him well in fact- but I don't let him get mouthy or disrespect my home or act spoiled. I prefer not to ever have to deal with disciplinary issues but if my Husband sits there and says nothing for too long, I will. And yes SS8 knows it because he respects me more than he does DH when it comes to him listening. I know DH doesn't like it when I do have to say something but that just teaches him he needs to before I'm in the position. I'm pretty lenient so it's not like I'm jumping down his neck all the time but DH rarely ever punishes him or even requires much of him.

What do YOU do to manage your 6yr old so that she is never in a position to have to say anything to him? Do you and his Mom try different disciplines, boundaries and guidance with him? I'm asking because you're stating what she needs to do as the Adult but have not mentioned what you (and his Mom) need to do to help resolve the core issues. Had you said she didn't like any of your children or that he was a good and well-behaved boy I would say this is certainly on her. But based on what you have said (and haven't said) it's time for you to re-set the dynamic in your house.

Sit down with her and tell her how you feel- just as you have us. BUT take it a step further and tell her where you feel you've been too permissive and what you are going to try to do to work with your son's behaviors. Then take it even further by going to his Mom and working out a consistent & similar plan with her so that he's under the same protocol in both homes. In time (give it significant time b/c at 6, his personality is set so re-working him will take patience and time) I bet then your wife will start to ease up. If she does not, you have done all you can and it then IS up to her.

Good luck to you sir!

This is a good point, if the

This is a good point, if the adults are a united front it will cause far less jealousy etc...I had problems at the beginning with spoiled SD 7as SO was defensive and always on her side when we started getting serious.Now , though she is still sometimes annoying, things are better since SO is backing me up and puts the adult rs first.

UNITED FRONT>>>thats

UNITED FRONT>>>thats something my husband doesnt know the definition of...

Great point

sorry, anyone who uses the

sorry, anyone who uses the words/sentences....

my kid can be a handful at times, my kid is a pistol, etc....

KNOWS they have a bad ass kid that other's don't care to be around, but CHOOSES to be in denial about the TRUTH of the situation on how their kids really are.

i plot my exit as well...i am

i plot my exit as well...i am still counting on a little KARMA>>>>>>>>>>>

Yeah, what SHE said!

deleted.

36 Comments and OP hasn't

36 Comments and OP hasn't come back to respond to any of them.

The posts must have hit pretty close to home.

uh yes he did

Oh you're right! My mistake.

Oh you're right! My mistake. The way these posts are listed it's hard to tell when someone has responded.

Yeah, I like how we can go

Yeah, I like how we can go back and reply right under a post, but sometimes it gets confusing trying to find the new ones.

All I can say is wow! I have

All I can say is wow! I have read each and every one of your posts. There are deffinalty some great ideas and some differing opinions. I can honestly say it is making me step back and re-evalute the whole situation. Maybe I'm the blinded one??? Not sure about that. Maybe it is my fault???? I just don't know. I do feel as I look at the entire situation that I'm not totaly off base either. Now I feel like I have may painted my six year old as a little hellion child when I say he is a pistol or a handful, but maybe we all have different ideas about what that means. What he doesnt do is yell and scream and throw temper tanturums or call names or be physical and hit, thats not the case. He is more often trying to get attention, be super picky, he always wants someone to play and do things with him, normally loud talker. He is a very spoiled kid. His bio mother has spoiled and coddeled him to the enth degree and its no secret, then we we have him and he acts up, I get on his case, but he just rubs my wife the wrong way, period.

From listening to you all talk, it doesnt sound like this is anything new or even abnormal, but we must find a common ground. It has helped me to relize that other women have these same feelings about thier step children and I thank you for that, but I also wanted him treated fairly juast any of the other four children. I treat her boys very, very well and are involved with them. Of course they do things that irritate me and she too has spoiled them and has admitted that to me also, but I would also make sure I keep our rules fair and the same for all of the children. If I do have to say something to one of her boys it is because I do the same with mine, but when we are together, I will ussually let her try to handle siuations with her kids before I interveen.

I have always been very much a family man and love and put my family first and have always tread the womwn in my life as a princess (I'm a romantic at heart) and I want our blended family to work well and looking for some assistance and that is why I choose to post here. I would say some of you have been a bit judgmental and harsh, but I get that with the limited info I have given you, but I'm asking for advice and solutions on my current situation, not to be chastized for the choices that i have made. Im a big boy and I can take it and I really do appreciate the adice, you have all made some good points and really made me rethink this situation.

I'm still open to more thoughts and opinions on this matter and will contiue to read, think, and post myself. Thanks again for you assistance.

All of us on here know how

All of us on here know how frustrating this situation is! That's why we are here! It's refreshing to see your post so we StepMom's can see the dad's point of view. That being said, you and your wife need to sit down, maybe with a counselor, and talk about these issues, so they don't end up affecting your marriage. Your marriage should be solid and that's the relationship you need to focus on. You and your wife. You need a tighter bond and you need to understand your wife's feelings. You don't have to agree but you need to realize that's how SHE feels, even if you don't feel the same. I swear, men are so frustrating! You think you're right all the time. Each poster on here has said "Your child is a brat and you are responsible for how he acts" yet you continue to defend him! "But he's really not that bad, maybe I need to reexplain" STOP. We get it. You're son's an asshole. You don't have to think so, but he is. Sorry. Hell my own kid's an asshole and I'll admit it. He doesn't make my boyfriend's life easier. Anyway, your wife is never going to love your son the same as her own and that's a fact. You can sit her down though and try to see her point of view and ask her to do the same. If she feels you two are on the same team and your union is solid, then you can work together. Don't let this marriage fail too because you can't communicate...too many marriages fail that way. Good luck, we all feel for you!

Well, big boy! At least you

Well, big boy! At least you are willing to admit where you may be wrong and ask what you can do to fix things.

You say you feel you've painted your six year old as a little hellion child and say that's not the case. But then you say he's spoiled. News flash - a kid that is spoiled IS a little hellion!

To make things more complicated, both of you work and are going to school. Having so many kids together at one time may just be too stressful. Maybe a family member or friend can watch some of the kids to help out?

Like another poster said, make sure when your six year old acts up that you DO step in and discipline him. Talk to your wife - get specific examples of what B6 is doing that annoys your wife. See what you can do to correct them.

Don't wait until someone blows up to try and talk about things. Try to talk about them when neither of you are upset. Maybe a weekly "meeting" between you and your wife would be good. I've found that Sunday mornings before the kids wake up are usually a good time to have a talk. And just ask her - What happened this week that you have concerns about? What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right? And you tell her if you have any concerns.

Good luck!! With your attitude, you just might make it work!!

Thanks Amber, great idea with

Thanks Amber, great idea with the weekly meeting, might be worth trying. I'm very dedicated to making this work so I'm really trying to get a handle on this. Thanks again.

Very nice idea, I can see how

Very nice idea, I can see how that was nice, definatly another plan I will discuss with my wife. Thank you!

Being a SM has left me so

Being a SM has left me so jaded because I read the title of your post and thought 'because your sons a little shit'.

Same!

I just read to see what everyone else says. But yep, my same thoughts EXACTLY

Like another poster said, she

Like another poster said, she likes your other two children so obviously she doesn't just dislike him because he is your child. I would step back and be honest with yourself. If he wasn't your son, how would his behavior make your feel? It sounds like he can be quite a pain at times. Are you making sure your correcting him? Are you disciplining him when he needs to be or are you letting him get away with things? I know my step son particularly gets on my nerves when he is doing something and my husband does nothing and so then when I need to correct him I'm pissed off by that point. I would sit down and have a heart to heart with her, ask her what it is that frustrates her when it comes to your son. Let her talk freely without getting angry, you want her to be honest. Maybe there is something you are doing or not doing that is upsetting her and because he is your son you are not seeing it. I would seriously suggest seeing a therapist because it seems like you have issues with her kids and she has issues with yours and it's only going to get worse if it's not taken care of. Your right in that he is only 6 BUT a 6 year old also does need to be responsible for their behavior, they aren't toddlers. Just from reading what you wrote I could see how she could get frustrated from a number or things and I'm sure there is more to the story as there is always more to the other side of the story. Like I said, sit down and have a non judgmental talk with her, let her be honest with your without it causing an argument. If you get angry with her she will just keep it in and it will only get worse.

You are here

My new Wife does not like my 6 yr old son