My step-son wants to live with us... and be homeschooled.
My 15 y/o step-son lives 2 hours away from us with his mom. He is currently failing 9th grade and has been getting in trouble at school (caught vaping on school bus). Apparently one of the reasons he is failing has to do with him having type 1 diabetes and his mom not letting him attend band practice because a nurse was not present (I don’t know the full story and I take what I do hear with a grain of salt). He also hates school and has no intention of going to college. His mom is not great- she has a prescription pain med problem, has been engaged 4 times and married 3 times in the past 6 years— basically unstable, yada yada yada, etc. We’ve also had issues in the past with her trying to manipulate our time by not showing up on time to pick ups or drop offs or claiming she can’t pick the kids up because of flat tires, bad weather, or being in the ER... I’ve always said if they need to or want to live with us I’m all for it. What I was not okay with is never being able to make plans because I never knew what she was going to do. I liked to know when the kids would be here and when they would not in advance. Finding out last minute that we are going to have the kids for another week when I’ve made plans to take the young ones to the near-by theme park kind of drives me nuts. So my 15 y/o asked my husband/his dad this past weekend if he could come live with us. Which is fine with me. BUT he wants to be homeschooled. My husband apparently said okay but told him he would have to discuss it with me first. I’m flabbergasted to say the least. I see so many red flags here. At first I said no to homeschooling- absolutely not. He has no extracurricular activities and plays no sports. He’d finish just enough school work to get by and then what? Play video games for 8 hours or sleep? Um no. But then I said okay as long as he gets a part time job. But I get the feeling that no matter what I say my husband is going to do what his son wants out of guilt for not having him around the past 7 years. I know I’m not his mom, but shouldn’t I have some say over this matter if he’s going to be living here and be an example to his little sister and brother?
I don’t know how to edit my
I don’t know how to edit my post so I just want to clarify that I meant my 15 y/o step-son asked to live with us.
There are so many red flags
There are so many red flags with this. Sounds like SS is looking for an easy ride. What is your DH prepared to do to ready this kid for adulthood in 3 short years? If you are both working, how do you know he is doing school work? If he has no interest in college, why isn't he looking at trade school? How does he plan to support himself as an adult?
You and your DH need to have a serious conversation about rules and consequences before this is even approached with your SS. Good Luck.
That’s exactly what I think.
That’s exactly what I think. I was feeling like the wicked step-mother, though.
Homeschooling would be the
Homeschooling would be the proverbial hill I'd die on. There is no way I'm adequately knowledgeable to oversee high school math beyond algebra. And the sciences _____ let's just say I did physics once and that was enough. Plus, the stress I'd put on myself trying to get an unmotivated teen to actually do school work would end my marriage.
Don't let DH try to say cyber school is the answer unless he is the one who is going to ensure that his son actually does the work (and doesn't play games on the computer for the majority of the day).
It could work, if DH actually parents his son and doesn't fall into the leragen is mean to me trap (when all leragen is trying to do is get the kid out of bed and start his schoolwork).
I'd be concerned about the vaping. Is DH going to let him vape at his and your home?
Lord no! He got in trouble
Lord no! He got in trouble for vaping. I’m an oncology nurse and I never miss a chance to tell all the kids how terrible smoking anything is. My 6 y/o made up a song called “If You Smoke You’ll Die Today”.
I'm not necessarily against a
I'm not necessarily against a kid that age not doing traditional high school because it's not always the best fit, but it doesnt sound like hes responsible enough for doing school at home. Is he wanting traditional homeschooling or online school? Maybe an alternative school with easier/smaller classes or less credits required to graduate would be a better option.
If the burden is being put on you to take care of his schooling at home I think that's really unfair.
No, none of it will be my
No, none of it will be my responsibility. And it would be online. My husband mentioned his dad helping out. Well his dad helped all the granddaughters who homeschooled and by help I mean did the work for them. They are all 20 or younger and having kids of their own now. Their futures are limited. Homeschool was a bust.
He hates school and doesn’t want to go to college. Fine. Try homeschooling. But I think he should get a taste of what work is like since that is what he will be doing when he graduates. He might decide college isn’t a bad idea. I don’t know. But does my opinion matter?? I feel like it doesn’t.
Alternatives to homeschooling
Most school districts have some sort of alternative highschools that are a better fit for students who don't do well in a traditional highschool. Our district has an "alternative" highschool that is much smaller than the traditional schools. There is also an "trade" type highschool that offers courses in things like autoshop and cosmetology in addition to regular courses and another that partners with a community college. Maybe your SS could do something like that rather than homeschooling.
And of course your opinion should matter in this - since the homeschooling is going to be happening in your home!
So is hubby going to homeschool his son?
Is he gonna be on top of the homework and teaching him all his subjects?
i doubt its gonna be a yes so that means he expects you to handle this and has agreed to him being homeschooled because everything will be palmed off to you... so its a hell no for me..,
I told him I’m not going to
I told him I’m not going to be involved. He works from home and plans on being on top of him. He knows I’ll have nothing to do with it whatsoever. He mentioned his own dad helping. His dad helped homeschool 3 or 4 granddaughters and he ended up doing their work for them. He complained about it the whole time he did it. I felt and still feel like beating my head against a wall thinking about it. In fact, we need to go write our living wills ASAP so I can make sure he doesn’t end up with my kids.
Nothing pisses me off more
Nothing pisses me off more than the "I'm a diabetic" excuse for behavioral and performance bullshit.
What is mommy going to do for this waste of skin sugar cube? Hire a nurse to be at his hip 24/7 for the rest of his life?
I have been a T-1 diabetic for more than 38 years. I was Dx'd at 16 and have always had no interest in using my disease as an excuse or allowing the disease to limit my life.
Your SS's mother is a moron.
The best thing for this kid is to get the hell away from mommy and be held accountable for managing his disease and performing in life. He needs to have his performance failures rubbed in his face constantly until he steps up. Running to daddy's and sitting on his ass avoiding his performance failures is not going to do anything but kill this kid early. He won't manage his disease or his life performance. At least that is my forecast.
I have run into a number of diabetic excuse mongers in my life and career.
* "I can't work night shift because of my diabetes." BULLSHIT!!!! I called her out on that crap immediately. I was also a T-1 diabetic and I worked nightshift though it sucked. Everyone in the department had to do a 6mo night shift rotation. Every time she would whine and cry to get out of it, I rubbed her nose in her bullshit.
* "I can't take an international assignment because of my diabetes." BULLSHIT! I called that guys bullshit very publicly. I was Dx'd in the Middle East and have worked in Africa, Asia, and Europe including in very remote locations. This disease is not an excuse for lack of character.
* "But I am diabetic I caaaaaaaaan'ttttt! Wahhhhhh! I don't feel good, my stomach hurts, etc.... etc... etc....". BULLSHIT! So am I. Quit sucking down Mountain Dew like it is water and use your F-in brain. If you don't your man bits are going to quit working, you are going to go blind, and parts of your body will have to be hacked off as you cause your body to rot while you use your disease as an excuse.
Grrrrrrrr!
I hate idiots. Particularly idiots that use this disease as an excuse. Even 15yo idiots. Particularly I hate idiot parents who enable this kind of crap through their wailful ignorance.
No to allowing him to run away from his behavioral bullshit with homeschooling. Though I do think that getting him away from his idiot mother is a good idea.
That's what I think bothers
That's what I think bothers me the most. He is running away from his problems. And they're babying him because they feel sorry for him or guilty for not being there for 7 years (even though his ex is the one who moved 2 hours away). I can appreciate that it may be hard to go through adolescence with a pump on your body. It's hard enough without one. But counseling or therapy seems like a logical next step- not moving and becoming a hermit.
People in Hell want ice water
People in Hell want ice water, too.
If it won't work, it won't work. When a skid wants to switch homes, there should be a lot of discussion and thought put into it first and rules discussed before hand. It doesn't sound like like you'll be able to offer Skidly the type of accommodation he'd like. Perhaps he should look into Airbnb.
Well, first off, is BM just
Well, first off, is BM just going to agree to him coming to live with you? Doesn't sound like it, based on some of her other control issues. If she fights it, she will probably win, even being such a trainwreck.
I really didn’t think she’d
I really didn’t think she’d ever let him move here. BUT, I think she said he could if we’d agree to homeschool because she said she wasn’t going to do it (and thank God because I don’t know if she knows a period goes between sentences, and oh Lord, let’s not even think about math). The more I think about it I don’t think he really wants to move either. I think his plan is to get us to agree to do it so his mom feels like she has to in order for him to stay with her. He can choose where he wants to live since he is 15 so I think he is being kind of manipulative to get his cake and eat it, too. He’s a sweet kid, and he is helpful with his younger siblings so I don’t mind him living here. But I feel like he is on a fast track to loserville if this homeschool thing happens.
I think you're very
I think you're very perceptive about the manipulation that's occurring.
If you're SO is all atwitter at the possibility of his baby boy living with you, keep introducing cold hard facts like, he'll have to commit to hours of working with SS on his studies, he'll have to change his work schedule, he'll have to draw up a list of house rules, and he'll have to file for c.s. from BM.
Many of these noncustodial dads are pretty lazy about parenting. Illustrate how much work HE ALONE will be taking on, and full time might not seem so great.