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New to this and need advice!!!

Momofboys22's picture

Submitted by Momofboys22 on Fri, 08/17/2012 - 7:07pm

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Blended Family Issues

Hi!! I just found this forum because I am going through hell and need advice :/. I have been in a relationship for just over 6 months. I am newly divorced and have 2 boys, 14 and 10. The boys are doing good dealing with divorce and me and their dad get along. The boys get along really well with my new boyfriend too. Problem is, he has twins that are 8 yrs old. They are young acting for 8 and need a lot of attention. My bf has them for a week, every other week. Basically 50% of the time. He works long hours and leaves them here with us. They follow me through the house all day and ask millions of questions. My patience is wearing thin. I am trying hard because my bf does a lot to help take care of me and my kids. My youngest son is so upset when they are here. He tells me all the time he hates the situation. Do I leave the relationship because of the kids? Or do I stick it out and see if time makes it better? Thanks to anyone who took time to read this!!

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Fri, 08/17/2012 - 7:15pm

Most likely, time is not going to make it better. You have been in this relationship for only 6 months, I feel it is unfair for your boyfriend to expect this of you and your children. What would he do with his kids if you were not in the picture? What did he do with them before?

Momofboys22's picture

Submitted by Momofboys22 on Fri, 08/17/2012 - 7:22pm

I have been telling them to go play and not being quite so nice!! I love kids and have been really nice and tolerant so far, but it seems to be getting worse!!! And they just love me!! I agree that sometimes I get upset that he leaves them here for so long. He worked 2 14 hour days this week. I know his kids really miss him too. When I met him he was having his mom take the kids while he was working.

WTHDISUF's picture

Submitted by WTHDISUF on Fri, 08/17/2012 - 8:16pm

He should not be putting all of this on you in this short time! 2 8yr olds! He needs to continue taking them to his Mom on the days he's not working. It's a little tricky to start mixing up youngins too soon. Sounds like you have a decent situation with your divorce and your Ex. Tossing in a situation that disrupts your kids may rock the boat unnecessarily. BUT I don't think you have to run just yet. Request that he sends the twins to his Mother's for now. If this means you scale back whatever he does to help you with your boys, so be it. But don't get trapped into the Automatic Sitter. That's a Trap for sure and it only gets worse!!

If he does not send them to his Moms, RUUUUUUUNNNN FAAAASSSTTT!!!

justanothergurlNJ's picture

Submitted by justanothergurlNJ on Fri, 08/17/2012 - 7:22pm

Run! NOW! The first time I blogged here and the women here started telling me get out now run for the will I thought to myself how rude they don't understand I love this man. Hind sight is 20/20. I should have listened and got out then. If I had to do it all.over again I would have gone in a different direction. I love my BF but I don't think love is going to be enough. His kids are bad and I have seen some bad kids. I can't take them their BM is a lazy ass POS who doesnt parent. We fight about His kids and BM all the time. I have 2 bios myself 11 and 14.

Momofboys22's picture

Submitted by Momofboys22 on Fri, 08/17/2012 - 7:25pm

His kids are not bad, just very different and needy. I actually get along great with the little girl, but the boy is very annoying for us all.

WTHDISUF's picture

Submitted by WTHDISUF on Fri, 08/17/2012 - 8:23pm

Needy is bad. They'll be needy with you until they stop liking you when you try to put them back a bit. Needy with their Dad and he'll Guilt Parent them which means they can do whatever they wish. Eventually that neediness will drive between you and SO because they'll want all of the attention.

Momofboys22's picture

Submitted by Momofboys22 on Fri, 08/17/2012 - 9:15pm

He doesn't guilt parent them at all. I think they drive him crazy too!! Maybe that's why he works so much lol!!

Momofboys22's picture

Submitted by Momofboys22 on Fri, 08/17/2012 - 7:30pm

I was thinking that lostinthemadness. Even if she took them a couple days a week to give us a break. The week they are here is sooooo looong!!!

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Fri, 08/17/2012 - 8:13pm

I've got wine tonight. They were giving out samples at the grocery store? :? That's a first. Teeny weeny samples but still. I was tempted to just hang out at the store all night. I mean, you've got your wine samples, got your snacks, no creeps hitting on you. Didn't even have to show ID. Oh, wait, that's not good.

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Mon, 08/20/2012 - 10:47pm

Just tell me where you shop and I'll be there LOL free wine!! Samples at the grocery store!!

Not in Australia...

FullMetalJacket's picture

Submitted by FullMetalJacket on Mon, 08/20/2012 - 9:37am

I'm thrilled I found this blog and forum!! I've been with a wonderful man for about one year and he has a 5 YO son. I have 2 kids of my own, 12 and 14. My BF and I live together in my home, his son is home with us 3-4 days of the week. He works a FT job and a PT job, I work a FT job, and when he's working PT, I babysit his son. My kids can't stand the 5 YO, my immediate family says the same thing. He talks baby talk to his dad to get what he wants, or get out of trouble and into the good graces of him...this is so diff to explain, the 5 YO is so smart and plays the games too good! Dad doesn't want to be the bad guy when he comes home from his PT job, he's asked me to help him with parenting the 5 YO, and when I call the 5 YO out on the carpet for lying etc., my BF talks with him, the son cries, I get the cold shoulder from the son and he's all lovey dovey with dad, including the baby talk. Just last night, we had a blow out because of the lying, the baby talk, dad enabling the behavior and not correcting him. My BF says he doesnt notice the baby talk as often as I do, we've been down this road many times. I love this man so much, however, his son, is making this damn hard, I'm building my walls and he's coming between us. On top of that, I have the bio mom who advises her son that I'm bad, not to take instructions from me. He gave me the middle finger and stuck out his tongue at me at one time. And in a talk with him, it's his mother. I'm out of solutions and don't know what more I can offer my BF as far as, "let's ride this out, it'll get easier." I think I want off this ride. I'll see what today brings me.

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Mon, 08/20/2012 - 10:54pm

Oh and to the OP - I think your idea of the skids going to grandma at least a few days a week is a good one, gives you and yours time out as well. Just try and tactfully explain to your OH that you are feeling overwhelmed at the moment and need some time just with your kids and that you think his would benefit from time just with grandma as well? That you are tired and run ragged and don't have the energy to give them the attention they need?

Good luck Smile

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 3:13am

It's quite common for one party (usually the one who instigated the break-up) to move on faster than what seems - well - seemly LOL That's because they have done their greiving and gotten through the pain before ending it - while they are coming to the decision.

For some people making that decision, telling the other person and being able to move forward the main emotion is just sheer relief.

So yes, 6 months seems fast, but she has probably done all her grieving and worked through a lot of the stuff while the marriage was ending.

I know for me my ex and I were just both relieved that one of us finally called it and we could move forward. It was difficult, but within a month we had both accepted it and were getting on with life. Some marriages just end.

Momofboys22's picture

Submitted by Momofboys22 on Sat, 08/25/2012 - 12:33pm

Thank you! You are right on! My marriage was over for a long time before we decided to get divorced. I waited a whole year almost between the time I wanted to get divorced and when I finally did. I was done grieving all of that. I love my boyfriend very much. We both have been through a divorce and we work very well together with what we have learned. I just have to learn how to deal with his kids. They are so much different than my kids. They are stuck to him like glue when they are here and very clingy. I am used to my kids who give me my space!! I know they have been through a lot and that's why they are like that.

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Submitted by LostinSpaceandTime on Sun, 08/26/2012 - 2:55am

(()))

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Submitted by LostinSpaceandTime on Sun, 08/26/2012 - 2:53am

Something to think about. Not trying to offend you. The problem may not be the twins of your BF. IMO Six months into a relationship is too soon to start living together as a blended family. Your youngest child is having trouble with the arrangement too. The children of your BF are clingy. Of course they are. They go thru the breakup of their family (you did not say how long ago that was) and then grandma is no longer their alternate caregiver while their dad is away. Where is the structure and stability in their lives? While you had time to grieve the end of Your marriage it is probably still difficult for your children.
Why would you want to set up housekeeping and babysitting for this new man in your life right away? What ever happened to taking time, like thru four seasons maybe to get to know someone? Have some time for the two of you to see if the relationship will work out before involving each other's children in the mix.
Not your children not your problem. Send them back to grandmas and just date this guy for awhile. He is already using you. If he is helping you financially so that you feel bound to him already then shame on you cause you are using him. Be independent and when the time is right to blend households you'll know it.
It will not get better with his kids vs your kids. It will only get different. Seriously, it has only been six months. You can't get to know someone in that amount of time. If you are already going thru hell now that is a red flag. Read some of the stories here then make a list of pros and cons for staying or going. Tuck it away and add to it as you think of things. But don't stay thinking it will magically get better. That his kids will change, that their BM will change, that BF will change. The only person you can hope will change is you. And really, take some time ...you deserve to take all the time you need getting to know a man who will be an influence in your sons lives. And boys the ages of your son may act like they are ok, but clearly the youngest one is not. Boys will hold back and internalize or act out. They deserve time to get to know on neutral territory future stepdads or step siblings. What is the rush? Best regards.