This is so, so hard an my heart is breaking :(
Sorry in advance that this is long and rambling. I am a mess!
I am not sure if I am looking for advice or just someone to listen. I am in a horrible situation. I met a man in February while still going through divorce with my ex husband. My ex husband and I had been unhappy for years and we both moved on and healed very quickly. We knew it was over long ago. We are still good friends and get along. I fell in love with the man I met in February. We are sort of opposites in some ways, but in others we are so alike. Little things like I will wake up in the morning facing him, him facing me and we both have our hand tucked under our face with our pinkie finger sticking out. Like a mirror image of each other :). We both draw the exact same doodles while we talk on the phone. silly things like that! We have been together 9 months and we still get along great. When I am with him I am content and happy. However, he has twin 9 year olds, boy and girl. I have boys 14 and 11. I am very close to my boys. I have been a stay at home and homeschooling mom. His kids have an uninvolved mom and they are pining for that motherly love. His kids and my kids are so different and haven't gotten along too well right from the start. His boy is extremely hyper and yells alot. So anyway, me being stupid and new at all this dating stuff let them move in in July. It has been nothing but stress with the kids since then. He has 50% custody of them so we have them a lot. If I spend time with them my 11 year old gets really jealous and acts out by being mean to them. I have tried everything to get them all to have fun together and get along, but nothing seems to work. A month ago his kids didn't want to come back to our house because my son was so mean. So we all sat down and had a family meeting and laid down rules. My son was told that if his son was bothering him he could come tell us and there would be punishments for going against rules. Everything went great after that for several days. Then we were all at the grocery store and his son starting jumping on my son and yelling in his ear. So my son told my boyfriend and my boyfriend told him to stop whining. Well, guess what? My son lost all respect and went right back to the way things were. The last couple weeks have been really hard because my son is now saying he wants to go live with his dad and that he is losing his mom, etc. So now I am at the point where I feel that I need to let my boyfriend just go and take care of myself and my boys. However, I am still very in love with this man and I am so sad and torn about what to do. I just feel like the longer we go, the harder things are and we are just hurting each other. I told him how I felt this morning and he didn't really know what to say. He did say that my younger son runs my life. To a certain extent I believe that is true. he had cancer when he was 2 and has always been extremely spoiled. But I also believe that his feelings are valid. So he left for work and kissed me and told me he loved me and that was it. He told me I was my own person and I had to make my own decision. I am just heartbroken and don't know what to do 
I don't know if this is
I don't know if this is advice, or what but I will just share that my bios loathed his kid sooo much that they were finding reasons to stay with their dad when his kid was here on the weekends. Not only was that a wake up call for me, but the fact that they would rather stay with their dad, whom they don't like either, told me they felt that was the "lesser" of the two evils.
I told fdh, he needed to visit his kid on the weekend else where. My kids were miserable, I was miserable, his kid was miserable, fdh was oblivious, (lol) long story short, NO ONE liked the situation. So he now sees his kid else where. Yes it is not "ideal", but every one is much more relaxed. I got my kids back, his kid got his dad back, and hopefully fdh and me have something left when the kids are grown.
We only get our kids for 18
We only get our kids for 18 years. Sometimes even less, both my oldest ones went to college when they were 17. Live separately and date until both sets of kids are up and out. I don't know how old you are, but that'll still give you many blissful, kid free years with your sweetie.
Well, *you* may have healed
Well, *you* may have healed quickly and moved on from your divorce, but you didn't allow your children the time and opportunity to adjust to their new, fractured family before you moved your new "soul mate" in. That was unkind and unfair to do to your children. It's not really ok for a parent to put their wants and desires over the needs of their minor children.
I think it's time that you and BF have your own homes, your own little family dynamic, and DATE. When each of your respective kids are with the other parent, you can use that time to lay facing each other. When the kids are with you, set dates to all get together. Go to a movie. Picnic at the park. Give these kids time to adjust and process without ramming your BF and his kids down their throats.
I completely agree.
I completely agree.
ok, i am starting to feel
ok, i am starting to feel better about it. you are right, the kids are only here for about 8 more years! I am going to tell him tonight that we can try this if he is willing to get home at a decent time when his kids are here and be with them or have their grandma watch them on the weekends.
"have their grandma watch
"have their grandma watch them on the weekends"
Noooo!!!
No one here said anything about him sending his kids away. That's wrong and cruel.
HE should be with HIS kids.
YOU should be with YOUR kids.
The poster below said what I wanted to say... this sounds like a school girl crush wrapped up in a rebound relationship. I haven't thought about a relationship like you described in 20+ years. Doodles and pinkie fingers? For real??
The kids are obviously acting
The kids are obviously acting out. I find it alarming that both you and your boyfriend found it in good judgment to be living together after barely dating. That is horrible for your kids. First they lose their nuclear family, then in a matter of months there is a new guy and kids in the house. Bad choice, your kids should come first in this situation.
I agree with both that you
I agree with both that you have moved way too fast, and also that you both need to have your own places and date. I am EXACTLY like you...I also am a stay at home mom and homeschool my kids. And I have been in this EXACT position, but I will tell you what is really the issue here. It isn't *just* that this happened too fast; it's that your kids really feel like they are losing their mom (after losing their dad in the divorce) and this can happen no matter how long you wait to bring a man into your home. My dd pretended to dislike my bf, but she really liked him but didn't want to upset her loser dad. My bf had his own apt but spent most of his time and nights at our house when he didn't have his kids. The problem came in when he DID have his kids at our house and would treat my daughter differently. He diminished her importance in order to elevate his kids'. And she is very intelligent and intuitive, and especially sensitive. She didn't know how to handle it and she ended up taking it out on his daughters, obviously making the situation worse. Since he was "here to stay" she felt justified in being mean to the girls because they would be leaving and she wouldn't have to deal with them anymore. They were annoying, too, so it was easy to be ugly to them. The problem is that he would not see his role in this. He was oblivious to what he was doing. I saw it, I felt it, because he did the same exact thing to me.
When your bf says your child is running your life, I can relate to that, too. For instance, sometimes I can't decide on where to eat if we need to eat out (my kids and me). If my daughter says, "How about XYZ..." and I agree, that is viewed as letting the child run your life. If it's something unimportant, I let the kids decide...unless I want something else, and then we may discuss, negotiate, or I'll just pull the parent card. So you need to evaluate if the control your child has is major, or minor...important stuff, or just decisions that kids are able to make. My bf said that my daughter was too controlling, but in reality, he didn't understand that my kids have a say in our day to day life, and this is something most people who have schooled children don't understand. It is a different mentality in how children are to be treated. Really step back and see what's going on, and be honest with your assessment.
I have since broken up with my bf of almost 2 yrs due to numerous kid issues that were never going to stop, and also because we are just too different. If you want this to work, your bf needs to move out and if it lasts until the kids are older, you can do whatever you want then. After this mess, I've decided that I'm keeping any future men out of my kids' lives. It just isn't worth it and they will be out of the house before I know it. Good luck!
It's really not uncommon.
It's really not uncommon.
Step-Siblings tend not to get along as much as the 'Brady Bunch' would have us believe.
It's more common for Step-Siblings to have a love-hate or a hate-hate relationship - or none at all.
Half-Siblings get along much better. I don't know, it's just the way things are.
I hope it works out for you. Don't have any concrete answers other than hang in there! - and keep posting.
*hugs. It must be hard.
Thank you all for your advice
Thank you all for your advice and compassion! I appreciate everyone's opinions. I completely agree that I got involved way too soon and made mistakes. I have never been through anything like this before and I have learned my lesson. That doesn't take away the fact that I am very in love with this man and he is with me. Last night was our first night apart and it was very painful. We talked on the phone, but it was still rough. I am just hoping that it isn't too late to fix things because of the kids. We are going to keep the kids apart for awhile and then try bring them back together for fun activities at first. My bf was upset at first, but then told me he respected me even more for doing what I did. I know he still loves me, but I am hoping that he is patient for me. I guess time will tell if we are meant to be together or not.
Things will always work out
Things will always work out for the best. Enjoy the kiddies,, they grow up way too fast.