New Stepmom about to pull her hair out...need to vent and need support
Hello Everyone, Im new here, so please bear with me here. There's so many issues going on right now, I hardly know where to start.
Info: Im newly remarried, married in May. I have three stepsons, ages 8, 10 & 13 and I have a bio daughter age 7. My daughter lives with us full-time and my stepsons live with their mom about four hours away. Ive been with my hubby for over a year now, and married for three months.
Im in my mid thirties, and Ive been thru alot in my life thus far. I have a severe back injury with rods and all...so I now am a full-time stay at home mommy. My dad died of cancer over two years ago now, and he was my best friend in life. He raised me, along with my Grandparents..who passed away five years ago. I dont have a real relationship with my Mother. I feel alone 
The good, the bad and the ugly: Everything was pretty much fine in the beginning with the stepkids. They loved me, we went on vacations all together, trips and generally had a blast when we were together...and then... it all changed. Bio-Mom of the skids is resentful, bitter and rather hateful of me. The kids are constantly saying things like 'My mom said ..." and I now have to constantly deal with the wreckage she puts in their heads. I was surely not the cause of their Divorce. They had been living separately and in different states for over two years when I met my Hubby. Their divorce was very nasty and they battled for custody..the divorce ended when we were together.
I have a great relationship with his youngest son and his oldest son. They arent rude nor disrespectful to me, and we have a great time together. However, his middle child, the 10 year old, wow...I just dont know quite where to start. He is very rude and disrespectful to me. If I ask him "please go get a pair of socks and put your shoes on, we are going to the store", he will either not do it, or he will throw an all-out fit on me. He will tell me "You dont have a right to tell me what to do" or my favorite "my mom says I dont have to listen to you or do what you want". If I ask him again, he will then go up to his room, slam the door a zillion times, break whatever breakable is in there, tear the curtains off the windows and even tear the curtain rod straight out of the wall!!! Not kidding. On one visit he went so far as to repeatedly hit me and he spat in my face!! I have never ever had a kid disrespect me like this one does..and its rather painful. Lately the behaviour has gotten even worse. He tells me he hates me (mind you, I never ever ask him to do anything I wouldnt ask my seven yr old to do).. he tells me he is going to break up me and his dad...he tells me all too often about how much his mom hates my guts.
He has been in counseling for quite some time now, but his mother abruptly pulled him out of counseling in March of this year..for reasons I am not privy to I suppose. He is a good student in school, is in the boy scouts, plays sports... all around he is a pretty good child.. until I am around. Its gotten to the point that when the boys are here, I try to hide out in my bedroom most of the time. He has a bad bad temper tho..and when he gets mad, watch out.
This last visit was the worse so far, and I totally dont know how to handle any of it anymore. Im hoping maybe someone out there has had to deal with what I am going thru, and can give me some help or your thoughts or heck, maybe some encouragement.
The last visit: He has become rather too attentive of my relationship with my husband. He no longer wants to play with the other children, oh no... he wants to sit in his dads lap almost like the way a toddler does when your rocking them to sleep. He has done this for the past 9 months atleast, but its getting sooooo much worse. My husband, who is usually rather affectionate with me, is absolutely un-affectionate with me anymore when the boys are around. If my husband comes to sit beside me, this boy will throw the most biggest fit, until my husband coddles him and leaves my side to only be with him. My husband is that "fun" dad, ya know. He doesnt like to discipline the boys..yet he is hard on my daughter. Go figure. Anyways, we even have had problems with the boy sneaking into our room at night, pitch black and all I can hear is his breathing to know he is there... its just down right creepy to me. The boy had admitted to his dad early on in our relationship that he had a 'crush' on me... I dunno, but it sure feels to me that he sure wants me out of the picture!!!
Back to this past visit. The boy is always waaaaaaay too 'touchy feely' with me. He has major boundary issues (which the therapist knew about). Lets say we are on the couch... the boy might sit beside me, and then want to cuddle with me. Normally Id be okay with the occasional 'cuddles'..but this child takes it to a whole new level. He will lightly take his arm and stroke my sides and yes.. to my breasts!!!! I will tell him "thats not appropriate" but he then will cry, throw a fit, and tell his dad Im a liar. His dad frankly doesnt really do anything about it...throws it under the carpet yet again....BUT... this past time they were here..he had done that scenerio several times...I told my husband to talk to him about whats appropriate vs what is not..
He once again tried to 'cuddle' with me this past time.. I told him NO..and I wanted him to stop this behavior..so ...what did he do?? He then (I guess to get back at me)decided he was going to 'cuddle' with my daughter!!!! I blatently saw him put his one arm around her and took the other arm/hand and was gently stroking her sides of her body, then her face ... in a way ONLY an adult should!!!! I said "NO, you cannot touch her like that..its inappropriate and I will NOT stand for this anymore this has got to stop NOW".. It horrified me..to watch him touch her in a adult-like way...down right creeped me out!! He said the strangest thing to me..which was "I know..kids SHOULDNT cuddle with each other..you should let me cuddle YOU!"..
I then looked at his dad, and said, you NEED to talk to your son NOW about appropriate vs un-appropriate touch with your son. I said it firmly, yet did not yell. Oh heck no, now the kid is standing there denying it all!!! And his Dad, My Husband, then starts yelling at me..telling me he is sick and tired of me putting his kids 'down' and how he thinks i always tell them they are doing something wrong. He starts screaming and yelling at me, telling ME that I am ruining our "Family & Marriage" and that if its going to be like this...that he wants a divorce.
Please tell me how you would feel about all this? These kids need structure soooo bad its not funny.. yet if I try to give them that structure, my husband thinks i dont love them or treat them like my own child. Although... I am a pretty firm Mommy.. and my daughter knows what my rules are and she knows her consequences. I treat my own daughter differently, YES, I do!!! I hold her to a higher set of rules and morals then the boys get. He doesnt make them mind alot of the time and then I end up doing it...then Im a bad person when I do.
The bio-mom knows of the 'touching' thing. She said she was sorry and would get him counseling, which beyond shocked me. But, she said she is having alot of issues with him too. They had a horrible divorce. Kids were drug into it which was horrible to watch. I know that they have been thru too much..but Id NEVER ever talk bad about their mom to them or around them. Quite the opposite. But, she has sure ran me thru the mud so to speak with the boys..pretty much telling them to hate me and that its not ok to like me or love me. She even called here once stating that the boys would never ever call me Mom. I told her that was cool...Id never ask them to, they already have a mom. She was irate tho...so I have no idea to this day why she called like that??
I just dont know what to do anymore. Id love love love to just "Disengage" but I have a huge dilema with that. My ex and I had arranged it so that Id have my daughter on the weekends that we have the boys. So, disengaging would be very difficult to do. Especially now with the middle son and what happened last time. A friend of mine has told me to never ever leave my daughter alone with him for now, just to make sure nothing happens. I plan on doing just that.
This has all put a ton of strain on my marriage. I think he thinks I hate his children. I surely tell you that isnt the case. I love them with all my heart. Im just tired of getting hurt. He is like a totally different man when the boys are here...he is not the man I married. Every night they are here, he goes into their room and tucks them into bed and talks to them for awhile. But now even that is becoming a heartache..the middle son wants to constantly talk to my hubby about how his mom hates me.. and I hear it... its horrible...I truly believe he does all this just to get attention..and he sure is!!!! But at MY expense... Ive had my daughter come up to me and ask me all kinds of stuff...like..."Mom..why does he say you are a bad person, or why doesnt he like you or evenn better "are you a whore"... its soooo hurtful and disrespectful.
The boys do NOT respect me. All three of them do not treat me like Im their step mom. Ive lost my place in this family already, and its just begun Even sometimes my daughter will try to get away with not doing something I asked, by saying "they didnt have to"..its just a sucky situation all-together.
I truly feel if my Hubby loved me, he would stand up for his wife. But he doesnt sadly. If the kids do something wrong..I'll tell him about it..then he goes and talks to the boy or boys and will come back saying I somehow "misheard" or "misinterpretted it" and they will lie like crazy to their dad...and then.....he does nothing...but oh boy...if we get in a fight...he can say the nastiest of things to me...and he will tell me how Im "horrible' to his boys. They do NO chores while they are here, they dont even pick up after themselves. Like I said, things were great for awhile...now I dread when they will be here.
They just left from being here last Friday. They were here for two solid weeks. They were supposed to come the weekend after this...but out of the blue..I was informed they are now coming Tommarow for five days instead. He changed the schedule and told me after the fact. Now I'll be home with the boys two whole days while he is at work. I really dont want to watch them..I fear how the middle one will act. I fear the things that will be said. I fear NOT feeling welcome in my own home. I wish soooooooooooo badly I could just dissengage..let him have the time with the boys alone...but then Id be giving up my time with my Daughter too..her father wont change the schedule now...I already asked him if he would.
Please tell me Im not going crazy here. I dont hate my skids..I just with they would respect me and I want the middle child to get the counseling he truly needs...he scares me.
Thanks for allowing me to vent. Im truly trying my best
New Stepmom
I can identify, you are
I can identify, you are describing things my oldest SS did. In our case husband did have custody and I had custody of my daughters from a previous marriage. I am not a counselor but I think the boys is demanding attention from dad to keep you for his time with his father. I also wonder if he is mimicking what he has seen of adult relationships.
My SS would go to the bedroom door (closed) and would listen, very curious. He would put his arm around my daughter and was very touchy, like he was copying his dad. I did like you did and spoke to husband about addressing right and wrong touches. I did the same with daughter and told her she had to tell him to not touch her. He would rage, full-blown temper tantrums and would actually have to physically pulled out of stores or off games. I watched on several occasions when he'd attack his younger brother for no reason, just haul-off and punch him. he did not socialize and eemed paranoid to get involved with other children outside the home, rather nervous type. Clumsy, would spill things. I was great and then I was terrible. I was told I was hated and it was carved in his dresser. He would defy me and do just the opposite of what I told him to do and I too ws told that his mom said he did not have to listen to me.
I let him know that his mother did not set the rules in our home and that while he lived with us he did have to do what I said. I made him take sandpaper and sand the top of his dresser until his carvings were out. If he defied me he was punished. You have to realize, his aunts had already told me that this boy did th same stuff with his mom and got away with it. I guess he was back talking her at 2. So I had to set some very strong boundaries with this child.
Unfortunately it did not stop. The above happened when he was 8-10. He had been stealing, his dad caught him and made him return the item but he continued. He set fire twice in the house and played it off as experimental....at 15 I don't think so! I finally made an appt for counseling for him at this point (15). Counselor diagnosed him as A-social. Back up everything I had done, made sure SS knew what would happen if he did any of this again....she recommende the law become involved. Husband didn't even want him in counseling and felt we should handel it ourselves but he wasn't handling it at all. The counselor let husband know these offenses were serious and they needed to be dealt with. I wish I could say that was the end but it wasn't.
When oldest daughter was 23, she admitted this SS had been sneaking in her bedroom at night....yep! He swore her to silence. She told me that he had wanted me dead and told her that he thought he could kill me in my sleep. When she opened her mouth he ran into his mother's arms, moved in with her and basically disconnected from the family (she left the boys when he was 4).
Near as I can figure by trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together for years is the boys had been sexually abused somewhre along the line before I entered the picture. I have no doubt he is A-social even still. More reading I would say he is also anti-social and possibly narcissitic. Let's put it this way, he is dangerous!
Your SS needs help. Your situation my not be mine exactly, and for your sake I hope not. That boy needs help though. I woud take his actions very seriously.
If your ex won't change the
If your ex won't change the schedule, (even after you have explained why you need it changed) you need to get the boys schedule changed. Your daughter should not really be in the house too often when your SS is there. This sounds quite an extreme situation, SS sounds quite seriously disturbed, and personally I would be thinking about getting social services involved if it were me, as this boy needs major help.
Your husband is not helping in the slightest, he is just encouraging the disturbed behaviour in the boy, in my view.
Thank you AVR.. I truly
Thank you AVR.. I truly appreciate your honesty here. Id like to know how your Hubby helped you thru it all. Was he supportive of your rules with the kids? Do you have any suggestions that could help me navigate thru all of this? Any and all comments are sooooooo very appreiciated. I have called a therapist and we will be taking all the children to family counseling, including ourselves.
Thanks again!!
A family member and a friend
A family member and a friend of my husband's had already expressed concerns for some of the actions they had seen for his son before I ever entered the picture. I think my husband felt helpless as he'd had his career and was gone alot so he welcomed my help. However, what would happen is I would sit with husband, we'd talk about the things that were happening like the stealing for example.I would ask him what he felt had to be done, if anything. He told me it had to be addressed but it didn't know how. We'd come up with a plan,one that he was to follow thru with and then he would not. A day or a week would go by and he would not address the sitaution.When I asked "why" he said he didn't feel he could address it properly. So usually I addressed it with husband by my side. Husband did support this.
Because he was gone alot I had to address alot issues by myself without talking to husband and he mentioned to me he didn't know what was going on in the home most times. I think he felt bad that all his time with his son wasn't fun and games. The relationship he had with this son was ackward and he told me several times that he had a little bit of hard time with him because he reminded him so much of his exwife.
When the boy went to live with his mom, husband did not persue him to get his side of the story between him and my daughter. This caused lots of issues between husband and I. I think not only was it hard for husband to face but I don't think he wanted to hear his son could have done something like this so he drug drug drug his feet. I wanted an answer and justic for my daughter so I finally took the bull by the horns and I managed to squeeze a confession from him. He admiited and then blamed my daughter which satisfied the inlaws and his dad.
While I did get the support from my husband (for the most part) with this SS,the younger boy was a whole different story. The younger boy was favored by daddy and this son looked up to dad like he was his hero. Way way too much was allowed with this son and he learned that he could disrespect me, he had a mouth and major cocky attitude. It was not good at all.I did stand my ground, was not supported by husband and SS knew he had a soft palce to fall with his dad. This was the kid that was full of pitty for himself, was not honest and the crap that he did all based on his reality got to be too much for me eventually. I eventually stepped aside and told husband I would have nothing more to do with this kid (as an adult) and when I stopped dealing with him, SS started in on my husband with the same tactics and finally husband drew his own bouandaries towards his son. He finally saw what I had been dealing with for years.
I am glad you have made an appt for family counseling.The sooner the issues are addressed, the better. I do hope with the help of the counselor your husband and you will be able to get on the same page and work these issues thru together.
Thank you KES. When I spoke
Thank you KES. When I spoke to my ex about changing my daughters schedule..I'll be honest that I didnt explain to him what was happening. I am going to see if he will switch weekends with me again, and if not, Im going to talk to Hubby and tell him we need to switch the boys weekends. Im just very worried something might happen, and I just cannot take that risk.
Thanks Again, This has been the most helpful site I have found. Im so glad to know Im not alone in all of this.
You're welcome. I just hope
You're welcome. I just hope you get the help you all need, as this sounds an incredibly stressful situation.
UPDATE: So.. the skids are
UPDATE: So.. the skids are here for a long weekend. So far so good for the most part. I have a question for all you step parents and bio parents. My hubby informed me that the middle child, age 10, boy.. has been asking alot of questions about sex. I asked hubby just what he said..he said the boys wants to know if we have sex, and how often, etc. he even asked if my hubby puts his private part in my mouth!!!
Is this totally normal? How much and how little do you tell a child about sex? My answer if he asked me, would be thats totally private and only when your an adult, and leave it at that.
Anyone's thoughts?
Thanks so much all of you.. I finally found a place where others truly know what I go thru..
I really really think these
I really really think these children have been exposed to something. They have seen porn, been hanging around older boys who have been talking, watched adults at some point perhaps unknowingly. Men will never admit to it but many experiment with one another sexually. Perhaps not the actual act but normally a male's first exposure to sex is thru other men, a sexual play of some sort. I read this in my psychology books when I was trying to figure out what had ahppened with my SSs.
Your husband should NOT engage his children in this conversation. This is a subject that is not going to benefit these boys. I think your husband's answer should be, "what makes you ask such a question? where have you seen that sort of thing before?" and completely derail actually answering the question. Something has happened and I think that is why the middle boy has been acting out. He is either acting out something done to him, or something he saw, or he is curious about something he was told or something he witnessed. I would get to the root of it, letting them know they are not in trouble.
OOPS.....my sentence was not
OOPS.....my sentence was not completed. I meant to say that men, as children, many times have experimented with other males as a first time sexual experience. Whoo!
No not normal! Some one is
No not normal! Some one is putting that is his head! cough bm! I would tell him that is none of his business and if dh told him anything I'd be livid! We have 4 boys and NOT one of them asked those kinds of questions. Ss15 sometimes will ask about happy time which is what he calls it but it more of, I bet you didn't not like happy time with mom. Or he says get a room for happy time if we kiss or somehting. But that is about it. He has only said a few times.
ummm where to begin that
ummm where to begin that middle boy is a freak and i would lock my door at night,and i swear if my step son ever hit me or spat in my face i would probly be setting in jail for child abuse!!!if this kid is this bad now how do you think it will be when hes older like 15, keep your daughter away from him!!I would take my daughter and leave on the days he gets his kids and tell his ass im not dealing with them until you start parenting and stop babying them out of guilt,so find you a sitter ,or stay home with them yourself,or hell leave them there by theirselves ,they will probably tear the house apart ,but since you stay at home and he works,he will have to pay for damages,just get your important stuff out,what your doing now is only going to get worse unless dh changes his ways and has a firm hand with middle child,i feel for you my ss 13 is also a pyschopath,his mom thinks its a phase that will pass ,so i have completely disengaged from his life ,i just leave when hes home ,i go anywhere the mall my moms,bar on occasions,and he lives with us full time except when he spends nights with friends,and i wrk 2nd shift just so i dont have to see him,so mom has all responsibility and all his badness,yes i feel guilty at times but then i remember all those fights when she says your trying to come in between me and my son,and all the other hurtful things she says,so i just let her have her son,and do my own thing,if you dont you will go crazy and probly get a divorce,because parents like this will always take up for their kids and push you to the side because they are eat up with guilt!!
See...that is exactly what I
See...that is exactly what I told me DH..I told him "what? that is sooooo not a normal type of questions, expecially since he just turned 10 two wks ago!!! DH got defensive as usual, and said "no, my eldest son, who is now 12 almost 13, asked him alot of sexual type questions at around age 10" , I then asked him just 'what' he told the boy. He goes on to tell me that his ex, the BM (who btw is a Social Worker!!!!!)told him to answer all his questions openly and honestly..as if he is old enough to somehow understand the very complexity's of adults and sexual behaviour?? I said again to him, that I do not believe this is normal behaviour, and that if the son asks me these things, I will tell him thats private between adults and distract him with something else.
Of course, DH, gave me some psycho babble the BM told him. This woman is CRAZY!!! I FIRMLY beleive a boy who just turned 10 should know about oral sex and sex and whatnot!!!
A little more info: BM is engaged and her fiance lives with her. Her fiance has two older boys, both teens, I believe the boys are somewhere around 14 and 16. Not sure if perhaps he is learning stuff from these older boys? I just simply do not know..
My stepson, the middle child, he is FAR too concerned with with me and DH do, are doing, etc. He seems to no longer play with the other children, oh no....he is far to up me and DH's butts!! While the other kids are playing the greater majority of the time while they are here, the 10 yr old refuses to leave DH's side no matter what!! He goes to such extrememes with this, that if DH is in the bathroom, doing his business..the ss10 will get very anxious as to 'where is dad' and I'll tell him "he is in the bathroom i think, dont worry, he will be back soon'..and the kid really will do this..he will go stand outside the bathroom door or even open the bathroom door and talk to his dad, with questions like "when are you going o be done? I miss you daddy..I love you daddy"...
Its just the most abnormal behaviour for a ten yr old, I think. He wants to always be 'touching' his dad in some capapcity the WHOLE time he is here. Most of the time he wants to sit on his dads lap, almost in like a way a 3-4 yr old would. He is absolutely enraged if anyone else want to be around DH, he's is mad if the other boys want to be near DH, if I want to be around my husband...I have to wait until they leave to go back home to BM. The boy will throw an all out fit of a war if hubby gets near me, or anyone else for that matter. Its just weird. Its sooooooooo not normal. The kid also does this behaviour in public, like at a restaraunt...others have beyond noticed all this behaviour too.. their Grandparents, their aunts, uncles and cousins. Many people have expressed their concerns. But DH doesnt really see that there is a problem...oh my!
Anyways, thank you for letting me vent. My whole life changes when the ss's are here...it's almost like im not married when they are here. DH is a whole different person when they are around, and is not affectionate at all when they are here. Its really putting a strain on our marriage. All of this is.
Oh..I should also say something too. Trust me, Id love nothing more then to run off into the sunset while they are here...but I cannot afford to go somewhere else while they are here. My family is gone. Most of my friends live away from here. I feel isolated .
*** I meant SHOULDNT know
*** I meant SHOULDNT know about oral sex and whatnot at this young age..
From what you have written
From what you have written this kid needs some massive help. It is NOT normal for a child of that age to be asking his father about his sexual habits. By the way, IMO, it is never, ever an appropriate discussion to have with your child-no matter their age. Your sexual practices are NONE of anyone else's business. If he were just asking general questions such as "where do babies come from?" sort of stuff I'd be more inclined to believe it was just curiousity-but he is asking very specific questions about your all's sex life. Weird and creepy.
I would make sure your dd is not in the home when they visit. I wuold make sure I was never alone with him. I do not think you should be watching this child. For both the sexual issues and due to his inability to listen to you. It is not safe for anyone. I am afraid that this kid will accuse YOU of molesting him.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your comments and ideas. I have heard of the book, the StepMonster.. and I have reserved a copy of it at our Library, just waiting for one of the ten copies to come back. So figers crossed, hopefully it will come in soon so I can read it.
My DH can be somewhat of a hot-head if you will when we fight. After many discussions with him and after meating the BM and her turning vial on me.. well.. its something they started when they were together. They definety fought 'dirty' if you will, and they said very nasty harsh things to each other. Its no excuse at all.. but frankly, I think its a very hard habit for him to break. Of course, after last visit, and after I texted the BM myself and told her what the middle child had done, he quickly realized she agreed he needs counseling. Then of course, he changed his tune, tried calling/texting me a million times (his way of showing he is sorry).
The BM had sent me an email, I read it earlier today. She states that the ss10, has asked her alot of private questions about sex lately too. Same kind of questions he asked my DH I guess, about her and her fiance. Shes states she will be taking him to counseling once or twice a week starting next week.
I told DH that we need to follow up with the therapist ourselves and voice our conerns to the therapist. BM wants us to send her an email detailing all that we feel needs addressed. For some reason, I am totally reluctant to do this. I know her, she has a way of 'twisting' things, and she has the boys read EVERY email, text and listen to all voicemails my DH has ever sent about the boys...things that were NOT for a child to see, hear or learn. She sure has screwed these boys up!! Two and a half yrs ago when they separated, he moved to another state for work, he dated a woman. She found out...so get this crap..she had her then 6,8 & 10 yr old boys WRITE their dad letters about how the supposedly didnt want there dad 'cheating' on their mom, and that they wanted him to break up with this other woman, and that he was a horrible father for moving on in his life!!!!! I was soooooooo floored one day when I came across a box and opened it up and read this letters!!! OMG! Who the hell does this to their own children??? I can only imagine how its messed their poor heads up.. plus she got three DUI's in a one year stretch.. one of which the boys had to watch her get arrested (albeit in front of her home)..we fought for custody last year, but its such a corrupt system...and yes...she knows everyone in that court system by first name, as she does social type of servies work for children who's parents lost their rights!!!!! Go freaking figure!! Shes had the boys call me a slut, shes had them tell me the reason my family is all dead is "because they were bad, horrible people"..so NOT true..they were old and my dad died of cancer two years ago!
My hubbys Father past away about a month ago. So...what does the BM do? AS we are making funeral arrangements AT the funeral home..she uploads a few of their old wedding photos onto her sons FB page!! WTF??? As IF he needed to deal with her BS (she said she had found a good pic or two of him and his dad from yrs ago and was supposed to physically hand them to us at exchange for the boys to attend the funeral)..instead...she pulled out the long lost wedding album and put up photos for all to see of her with her dress on and him with her...from like 13 yrs ago!!!!! Who does this crap?? So..hubby found out before I did bc he has a smartphone..he called...they fought..he took the pics down himself...but get this....now she has her son hating ME (the oldest) for 'not allowing him to celebrate his parents together' and no matter how much I try.. he cant understand why it was Wrong of her to do that. Then last visit, the boys tell me, that the BM STILL has pics of my hubby and her on her FB page from 10plus years ago..and they were put on a year ago!!! WTF.. why doesnt her soon to be hubby want her to take them down..doesnt he realize it really appears this B cannot just MOVE ON???? Why would ANY man want to be with a woman who clearly wants the world to know she cant let him go???? Its all too freaking weird to me.. not only does the middle son have huge problems with boundaries, but so does SHE! AUGH! Yes... it erks me to no avail that this unclassy woman has pics up like she is still with my hubby. She filed for divorce and she was having the affair, not him. Yet she is just so annoying. She has tried every and I do mean EVERY thing to try to break us up. Sometimes I wonder why I stuck in for all this. I truly DO love my Husband, and I toally went into this with no looking back type of attitude. I dont want another divorce or failed realtionship. My hubby is wonderful, I repeat, wonderful to my daughter. They have a great relationship. She also has a great realtionship with her bio dad too
Its just sad that I feel I will never ever really be loved, yet alone liked, by my skids :(.. it just sux.
Thank again, for letting me vent. Im finding it helps to vent here, especially when they are here and everything is so tense and different in our home. I hate that our dynamic changes...feels like I have no hubby when they are here..and yes... that I DO know is HIS fault. Just because it makes it easier for him to stay away and not 'rock the boat' with this middle child...sure dont make it right!!!
This is a hard hard road you
This is a hard hard road you are journeying down and if counseling cannot help your husband understand the importance of changing some of the approaches with these children (BM has some very liberal views)you really need to think your future thru. There's some some serious issues going on here.
Let me give you an example that might help you. We moved into a new place and my daughter and neighbor started dating (going out, she was actually too young for dating). I got to know the mom and we became friends. She had the point of view that it was okay for her sons (13 & 16) to have porn mags, she said boys are sexual. She felt it was healthy for her sons to know that she and boys' stepdad had sex and would have them leave the home so they could have the living room and the rest of the house to themselves and would voice this to them so the boys would begrdgingly come to our house to their mom could play basically and the boys were embarrassed by this. My daughter was only 14 and she wanted me to have her on birth control and said the kids could go to their place and have sex. I drew a BIG boundary line with this, one that ended our friendship. I told her that when my daughter was ready we'd make that trip for birth control but that she was too young then and I let her know that we do (did) talk about this subject. I also told her that I did not want the kids in our hoem or their home unsupervised and that I would not provide a bed for them.
My point here is that people have different views and while I felt neighbor's approach was wrong, she felt I ws off-base and we both believed firmly is our own thoughts. However, it boiled down to her calling the shots with my child and that's where she overstepped the line.
If I knew what I know now, I would have packed my bags and got my daughters as far away from their stepbrothers as I possibly could and I would have never looked back. I wish you lots and lots of luck.