not sure if i'm ok with this
I've been browsing these forums on and off for a few months now and I think it's time I asked for a few opinions.
I've known my girlfriend for about 3 years now and in the past year we have been talking about moving in together.
She has a 9 year old daughter who's father, her ex husband sees every other weekend. Not a strict arrangement and times etc sometimes change.
A few things have happened in the past year since we've talked about moving in together that give me cause for concern.
One time when it was my girlfriends ex husbands weekend to have there daughter he rang up 90 mins before it was pick up time and asked my girlfriend to pick there daughter up early because he had made arrangements to go and pick up a bike for their daughter. She had to drop everything and go.
Another time my girlfriend and her daughter and myself were out for dinner with my family. After our meal my girlfriend decided to go have a cigarette and text ex husband to arrange something while we were all at the dining table in the restaurant. Her daughter soon followed after her . They were outside for around 5 mins. Her daughter came back into the restaurant and said "I've just been speaking to daddy on the phone". Girlfriend came back in and told me she'd been speaking to ex husband on phone (she decided to ring instead of text like she said she was going to because ringing is easier, which I agree with usually).
Girlfriend then tells me that when she told her her ex husband that her and their daughter were out for a meal with my family he made a comment about their daughters bed time and why she was up so late.
Just recently there's been a money issue between them over christmas presents. My girlfriend and her ex husband consult each other on christmas presents but most of the shopping and looking and making decisions what to get there daughter is left to my girlfriend. This means that she ends up buying presents for their daughter that she hasn't consulted him on.
After christmas my girlfriend informed her ex husband what she had spent on gifts and what the gifts were for their daughter and asked him how much he would like to contribute. He then decided that he would pay for certain presents and not for others. She was then not very happy about this and there was a bit of a stand off between them which I got to here all the moans from my girlfriend about and that next year presents are going to be bought separately. They didn't argue and it was all very civil and ended happily when he agreed to pay more of the share of christmas presents gave her flowers which he said were to show appreciation for being a good mother to their daughter. My girlfriend also told me of what her mother said to her when she told her that her ex husband had given her flowers. Her mother asked what about money and my girlfriend told her oh yes.. money as well. This has also caused me concern as it suggests to me that the flowers meant something emotionally to my girlfriend.
Anyway that enough for now. I think this is all about me being happy with the boundries my girlfriend and her ex husband have. I don't feel to good about them at the moment and would like to hear others opinions.
Is it good for them to have
Is it good for them to have a relationship? Yes. Is it okay that he buys her flowers? I wouldn't be okay with it. There needs to be some rules / boundaries. It is okay to be flexible with visitation, but 90 minute lead time is a little short if it is happening often. I feel like they're behaving as though they're still married. What about other things? Is he welcome in her home? Does she spend time at his home? Does he get to make rules in her home (i.e., the bedtime comment)? Does she discipline this kid? Can you? Why is she interrupting time with your family to text / call her ex?
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
He is welcome in their home
He is welcome in their home and has stayed there when there daughter has a local event to attend when it is her fathers weekend to have her. (He does not live locally). When this has happened my girlfriend stayed at my place. It was actually one of these times when he called my girlfriend to go home early because he had made arrangements to pick there daughters new bike up on his way home. She doesn't spend time at his home he lives too far away and has a live in girlfriend himself.
When its his turn to have there daughter they usually meet between our towns at a service station. But like I say sometimes he has been to stay at my girlfriends but she stays with me. He doesn't get to make rules as far as know. They just try to keep thing amicable I think but yes it does sometimes feel like I am watching a family from the outside.
My girlfriend works a full time job and I think it was probably the only spare window she had to arrange something when she interupted time with my family to call him.
My ex used to send me
My ex used to send me flowers all the time too - and it was NEVER because I am a good mother. HE was trying to get me back. The flowers were always sent to my work and I would hand them out to the other women in the office. I did not want the flowers.
I don't think you should be okay with this, and it also sounds like there is WAY too much communication going on. BUT if they are civil and you trust your girlfriend, then maybe things will work out.
You may need to have a conversation with your GF about boundaries.
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
I think the flowers were
I think the flowers were waaaaaay out of line. And the phone call at the resturant could have waited until you guys were done eating dinner with your family.
Your gf and her ex need boundaries. Otherwise this will continue. I know how you feel though. ((((HUGS))))
I agree with GiGi on this.
I agree with GiGi on this. You need to set boundaries.
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
I did say it was after the
I did say it was after the meal but while still at the table in the restaurant she went outside.
It's hard to say from a few
It's hard to say from a few paragraphs whether your concerns are on point or not. I'm usually one to say, go with your gut instinct. If you feel something is intrusive about the way they are communicating then you may want to have a conversation with your girlfriend about these feelings and things you can do to create boundaries.
Honestly, just based on what I've read they seem to have a fairly healthy co-parenting relationship. The flowers do strike as a bit odd but if it was a one-time occurence that took place after an unusual fight (the Christmas presents) I wouldn't be overly concerned about it. If he were continually doing things in an effort to win her back that would be crossing the line and you would be right to address it.
So in response to your concerns:
1) If she is continually rushing off to meet him at whatever whim he has then I think you should address this. Pick ups and drop offs should be firm times so as not to complicate the rest of your weekends plans and activities. She shouldn't be overly accommodating because she could be setting herself up to be taken advantage of in the long run. However, if her ex was calling because he was picking up a very special present (bicycle) for their daughter and wanted to get her early to do that, I think that is reasonable as an occassional accommodation.
2) Phone call to her ex during dinner with your family seems unnecessary and inappropriate. I would tell her that she should be respectful of the company she was with and that any planning calls or texts to the ex could have been handled after dinner. His comment about his kid's bedtime was a petty little parting shot but unless he escalates that kind of behavior I would ignore it for now.
3) Their handling of Christmas presents seems a bit overly involved. My husband and his ex-W handle Christmas like this. His daughter is encourage to make a Christmas list, we choose the things we are planning to give SD then we email the remainder of the list to her mother. That way there are no duplicates and there is no need to exchange money.
Good luck. Overall it sounds like a workable situation with a bit of communication and elbow grease!
He is welcome in their home
He is welcome in their home and has stayed there when there daughter has a local event to attend when it is her fathers weekend to have her. (He does not live locally). When this has happened my girlfriend stayed at my place. It was actually one of these times when he called my girlfriend to go home early because he had made arrangements to pick there daughters new bike up on his way home. She doesn't spend time at his home he lives too far away and has a live in girlfriend himself.
When its his turn to have there daughter they usually meet between our towns at a service station. But like I say sometimes he has been to stay at my girlfriends but she stays with me. He doesn't get to make rules as far as know. They just try to keep thing amicable I think but yes it does sometimes feel like I am watching a family from the outside.
My girlfriend works a full time job and I think it was probably the only spare window she had to arrange something when she interupted time with my family to call him.
Is your GF trying to keep a
Is your GF trying to keep a "side dish", as they call it?
Big red flags here.
Be careful and cautious here. Don't let anyone take you for a ride.
I would say proceed... with
I would say proceed... with Caution. They may still be in the "honeymoon stage" Where things are supposed to be amicable. This almost always goes away and turns into big big bloody wars. If he has feelings they'll surface especially when stirred by something like her moving in with you. (Expect him to be upset, especially if it means no free hotel when he's in town) If not, know that animosity will most certainly surface with more vengance than it has at some point, and be prepard. I think your biggest question here is are you and your lady ready to face the world together?
How do/would others feel
How do/would others feel about your partners ex/step childs parent staying in your home?
Wingnut is not allowed in my
Wingnut is not allowed in my DRIVEWAY, much less my home for an overnight visit.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
It's not an option. Plain
It's not an option. Plain and simple. Regardless of circumstance that is a TOTAL boundry issue, and wise of you to ask this as it seems you will want to present this to your lady before joining homes. I would simply not allow it. It's setting someone up for temptation be it comments/action of the ex, of your gf or perhaps altered behavior in the child, it's simply going to add to tension.
My DH's Ex is not allowed in
My DH's Ex is not allowed in the driveway, let alone my house (same for my Ex). If his Ex, or my Ex wanted to attend something locally and they lived out of town - GET A HOTEL!!!
I would definitely set the boundaries early - and stick to them. Tell her how you feel right up front.
SD has been told that if she
SD has been told that if she ever allows her mother into our home (sometimes we are not there when BM has picked her up) that she will not be allowed to have her mother pick her up at our home anymore.
I got mad because SD was skyping with Screech and she was carrying the laptop around the house showing her all of our stuff and the way I had decorated. Hearing her shrill voice all throughout my house as she commented on the things SD was showing made me want to crawl out of my skin.
Sometimes my girlfriends
Sometimes my girlfriends daughter puts the telephone on hands free when shes talking to her father and we can here them both in conversation while sat watching tv. Sort of tolerable but at the moment I'm in a position where I can leave and go home anytime. My concern is that if I lived with them this kind of thing will get to me.
I just think if roles were reversed and it was my child I would ask them not to put to put it on hands free for no good reason if it's going to disturb other people. I have not talked with my girlfriend about this telephone issue at all.
thank you for all replies so
thank you for all replies so far. food for thought, any opinions from guys also appreciated (don't know if mens opinions make any difference to womens but don't think I have any yet.
I have wondered if she is
I have wondered if she is being gamey myself but i really think she is just oblivious to it.
Another example. My girlfriend bought her ex husband a birthday card while we were out at the shops one day. The card was a humorous one and on the front said something like "us womenfolk have the perfect invention for keeping you menfolk from hassling us" inside the card it said "golf". Ha ha very funny. I thought the card was rather couply but she just couldn't see my point of view. I also wondered what my girlfriends ex husband's new girlfriend he lives with would have thought of the card. When I mentioned this to my girlfriend she said she didn't think the card would be a problem with her ex husbands new girlfriend.
I really hate to say it but
I really hate to say it but if she's that oblvious, she's also oblivious to her own emotions.... At times like this I wish we had the chat feature!!!!
chat away
chat away
I get a strong sense that no
I get a strong sense that no matter what anyone says to caution you, you are going to justify her behavior. That is okay, but you do need to understand that you need to put down boundaries and expect her to respect them or you're in for a world of pain.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
How to go about doing that
How to go about doing that though? I always end up feeling like I'm muscling in on something I shouldn't be and end up feeling like a big bully because it's all for the sake of their daughter.
A. You shouldn't have to
A. You shouldn't have to feel this way. She needs to be on the same page as you. You are a singular unit, you discuss things and make a united front. If you can't get ehr to work with you on things, maybe this isn't right?
B. If you are going to live together, you are officially part of the parenting process. Like it or not you will babysit, guard your posessions, and play a role in this childs safety.... If you are part of her life, and your SO's life, she needs to start respecting your input.
The difficulty I have here
The difficulty I have here is that I end up thinking I'm not even sure what i expect the boundaries to be. Sometimes I think to myself "just chill out with it all and go with the flow and let them get on with it. These things really don't effect me that much do they? maybe it's all about acceptance" But other times, like now, I have these worrying concerns.
I'd like to tell you more about us but not on the forum.
Private message me, I'll
Private message me, I'll help you as best I can. Click on my name and you'll get a chance to send me a message.
I had a whole list of what I
I had a whole list of what I would and would not tolerate before I agreed to marrying DH. It has worked pretty well.
1) Wingnut (his x) would not be a participating member of our marriage. She can parent SD in her home. We will do it in our home.
Furthermore, if she lands her ass in major trouble as an adult, you will not use marital assets to bail her out.
2) Note I said "we" will do it in our home. I can not live in a home where I have no authority to tell a child "no that is not okay and be able to send them to their room if they don't listen
3) I DO exist when SD is here. I will not fade into the background so you guys can have your family time and then fade back out when it is convenient for you.
4) My needs will be considered when planning dinners, vacations, weekend outings, holidays, etc. (not just SD calling the shots)
5) I am not a babysitter. I will do you favors here and there but don't expect me to take over your responsiblity
6) I don't believe in over coddling / over indulging children. I believe they need to learn independence and have chores and expectations
7) If you do not raise her properly and she turns into a mini-wingnut she will not be welcome in my home (this means she will earn her way with chores, good grades, she will be respectful to others, including me, she will not act like a spoiled brat or be a bully.
9) She can stay with us past 18 if she goes to college and works PT or works FT and pays rent.
There were more, but you get the idea. You need to agree on what is tolerable or you'll end up with SD and x husband living in your house on your dime and leaving their shit all over the place for you to clean up. I am not exaggerating! If her x staying in your house when he travels is okay with you. Fine, but there needs to be rules for those visits. Where does he sleep? Does he get to determine you family life while he is there? Does he get to rule the tv? Sounds silly but these are real issues causing real people real anxiety.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I hate to say this but if
I hate to say this but if she is using the line "it is all for the sake of my daughter", you're in big trouble. Any good therapist will tell you that an adult couple must come before children. It is the only way for children to understand relationships and their place in them. Read some of the posts on here about what people are tolerating everyday for the "sake of the children". She is bullying you into her neat little box by making you feel guilty. If you are going to be a part of her life and home, you get to have some boundaries. She doesn't have to like it, but if she won't respect it, you need to move on or figure out how much of your life you are willing to give up because it could be 2 months from now, 2 years from now or 20 years from now, but there will come a time when you will have a strong disagreement about SD or her father and if your GF response will be "tough, deal with it" and not "lets discuss it come up with a solution that we're both comfortable with", you're life will suck because every decision that affects you will be made without an ounce of concern for what is good for you.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I couldn't agree with Sovery
I couldn't agree with Sovery more. How long has lovely lady been seperated/divorced? I am getting a very distinct honeymoon phase impression here.
divorced 5 years
divorced 5 years
How long have you been
How long have you been together, have you had enough past experience to know this is LOVE, do you have confidence that she is all about you?? I'll be honest. I used ot basically be a @%$@#bag after my divorce. I've been around the block, I was divorce (never cheated) and dated for years then finally met my perfect match. Anyways... tell me more about him and her, and her and you?
yes a chat feature would be
yes a chat feature would be better
Sometimes my girlfriends
Sometimes my girlfriends daughter puts the telephone on hands free when shes talking to her father and we can here them both in conversation while sat watching tv. Sort of tolerable but at the moment I'm in a position where I can leave and go home anytime. My concern is that if I lived with them this kind of thing will get to me.
I just think if roles were reversed and it was my child I would ask them not to put to put it on hands free for no good reason if it's going to disturb other people. I have not talked with my girlfriend about this telephone issue at all.
It's one of a zillion things
It's one of a zillion things that will come up. I had to start freaking out recently. SD 17 LOVES to skype with her BF and loves to just waltz into the LR with the laptop full blast while the rest of the family is watching a movie and have a really loud convo... we nipped it. Unfortunately where youre lady doesn't always seem to back you, you may have a larger set of issues to deal with. It's especially inconsiderate that it's this child's father, I certainly wouldn't allow it to happen, and you do in fact deserve better regardless of what you've done in your life to think you deserve it.
Another example of something
Another example of something I'm not sure if I'm ok with.
On the run up to mothers day last year, my girlfriend told me that because it was mothers day over the same weekend that it was her ex husbands weekend to have their daughter that she was going to arrange for the three of them to go out to our local pub for a pub meal together so that her daughter and her daughters father/ex husband could still have their time together at the same time as not missing out on mothers day. I didn't say anything about it at the time and just tried to accept it and not let it bother me. It ended up not happening anyway and as far as I remember the ex husband just went home early and dropped their daughter off for some mothers day time. Which in my opinion was probably the best thing to do.
Doesn't change the fact that my girlfriend's original thought was that the three of them go out for a pub meal together and that she thought it was appropriate.
Others thoughts on this senario?
Seriously, she is acting
Seriously, she is acting like they're still married. And my BIGGEST concern for you? What will her daughter think when you move in? All of the sudden the rules change. She realizes they aren't going to be a "family" together with daddy anymore and she is going to rebel against you. Unless of course you're okay with having random dinners with her, her x, and the kid and sharing Christmases with him at your home, having his opinion on anything that may affect your home?
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I can't see that charge ever
I can't see that charge ever sticking. If I put it to her that she's acting like she's still married she will be able to defend herself because strictly she isn't is she?
She is, the key word there
She is, the key word there is acting. There is no real defense for what she is doing, my fear for you is you are too quick to allow yourself ot be stepped on in lieu of making ripples.
OK now you're getting into
OK now you're getting into the meaty part of this problem. Run away. Why werent you invited. These two have some unresolved issues, and she's not ready to be with you.
It's not that we haven't all
It's not that we haven't all been at family events together with her ex husband and myself their at the same time. Even with the mothers day thing my girlfriend might have invited me when it came closer to the time but when she told me about her idea she didn't mention that I would be welcome, perhaps I would have been or perhaps she thought it was taken for granted that I would be going too and that it didn't need even mentioning that I was welcome. Do you know what I mean? like.. "of course your welcome, you should know that"
It's still all quite
It's still all quite strange. She either gets custody of the kid that day or she doesn't. It's mother's day, he would in all likelihood understand, the guy seems reasonable enough. Her desire to see him in that light terrifies me. I'm divorced, and definately wouldn't want anything to do with EH ever again, not dinner, not flowers, not anymore time than I've got to. Why are you with her?
I enjoy being with her. We
I enjoy being with her. We have good times. I'm attracted to her and care about her. She's kind and likes to keep the peace and likes to keep everyone happy. I have no problem with her daughter, she's a lovely kid who has a lot of time for me and I have a lot of time for her. I have no problem with her ex husband either he's a decent bloke.
How hard have you fallen for
How hard have you fallen for her? Do you when the two of your are together feel like she is truly and 100% devoted to you. Maybe the wisest choice is just to hold off on moving in for a while. I know it's hard not to, it seems to make life easier for everyone...but... think of her child first, and the child's best interest. If things don't work out it's more changes for her, and at such a young age, it's a hard pill to swallow. You also need to start voicing your opinion, and not let your concerns be dismissed. I know you dislike tension, she likes ot keep everyone happy, and that's all well and good, but if you can't resolve issues as a team you have no business living together. I hope this doesn't come off as too harsh, I really do hate seeing people end relationships and etc. I just hope when you move in you have confidence to back your decision, and I feel like you don't have that yet!
Could it not be said that I
Could it not be said that I am just being jealous and paranoid?