A few months ago I found myself doing the same thing - trying to be nice to SD so she would say awesome things about our house. But then I thought, why am I trying to please anyone? I know I haven't done anything wrong, and I shouldn't have to bend over backwards to please SD, BM and GBM.

Last time SD came, my husband wasn't feeling that great. On Saturday, I took our DD to the mall and then we went swimming. I didn't invite SD to come because she is not my child. She doesn't come to spend time with me, she comes to spend time with her father. My husband wasn't coming because he felt crappy, so SD couldn't come either.

When I got home and SD found out I had been swimming (she loves swimming), I could tell she was kind of upset. I felt a little bit bad, but reminded myself about the reasons why I don't take her with me anywhere anymore.

I also went grocery shopping that weekend and SD asked to come. I told her she had to stay home with my husband.

I'm feeling a little bit evil and almost HOPE that she went home and told BM how mean I am for excluding her from doing things with me and DD.

"I'm feeling a little bit evil"

So am I. I still get a twinge of guilt at holeing myself up in my room and not cooking or conversing with SD13, but then she does stupid shit. It's a dose of reality every time. I just posted under Tennaged Stepchildren "SD13 has pissed me off!!!!!" and I am livid. She's old enough to feed and water herself, so she doesn't need me. I am just so sick of her screwing up my house.

I am at that "I don't care" level, as well. It gets easier the more sinister you become. Must be a damn defense mechanism for us STs!!!

~ Moon

I think it's healthy in the long run to disengage early. That will save you the heartbreak of being ousted from your stepkids life courtesy of BM influence after you thought you had a good relationship with the kid and loved her. Might as well protect your heart, it's the only one you have.

It's so sad to see when this happens...the kid is stuck in the "loyalty" head game...She tells you what you want to hear...she tells her bm what she wants to hear...I watched my skids do the same thing for years...they did not dare say they had a great time at our home...the bm would play head games like plan shoe shopping trips on the day when she knew we were supposed to pick up the kids...and watch her child leaving, crying, emotionally tormenting her own child...while waving with false pity in her eyes goodbye...pretending it was because the kid wanted to stay home w/her mother, but in reality the kid just wanted new shoes...all kinds of ways I have watched the bm devour their own children to feed their personal emotional void...The poor kid is just trying to survive the battle of the immature parents...

Unfortunately they do not leave this experience unscathed...because no one effects a child like the influence of their bio parents...that is just the way this gig was set up from day one when God created the family...the parents are supposed to have the biggest influence over their own children...It's too bad that when there is a broken home involved...there are so many unintended consequences that come out of that situation...

You are probably right...unless things change...the kid will probably grow up to be just like her bm...because it is what she is being marinated in right now...all the beliefs, the behaviors, the examples of how to do life are conditioning her to become the legacy her parents will leave her due to their own choices...and there is not a whole lot a step mom can do...because we do not carry the weight of influence or authority (in the sk's viewpoint) directly, that is, ...sometimes the way we influence our dh's has potential to indirectly help the s kids ...

I too have been disengaged for 2 years now...all my s kids are full grown adults...it is still hard to hear of their struggles in life...but I can honestly say, at this point...I have come to the realization that I am not to blame for their "issues", and I cannot fix them...that is up to them now....

But, in hindsight...I can see where the mistakes of their parents not recognizing soon enough that the decisions they made along the journey effected their children in a very adverse way...which now have morphed into adult obstacles they will have to learn how to overcome...some, of which, go to the deep core of their identity.....and unfortunately, you can't turn back time.....

I have always struggled with the concept of disengaging. To me that is abdicating responsibility, authority, and leadership in one’s own home.

Kids in my home have a clear understanding of the expected behaviors and of the consequences for failing to behave appropriately. If they choose not to comply they are held accountable and experience the consequences. For each family acceptable behavior and appropriate consequences may be different but IMHO a parent should never abdicate responsibility, authority, or leadership in their own home, marriage, or family. The individuals that make up the marriage are equity partners in life as well as equity parents to any children in their home regardless of kid biology.

In our home my bride and I have been partners and as my brides equity life partner I was also an equity parent to my SS. We married a week before SS turned 2yo.

Though we are committed equity partners in life and I was an equity parent to my SS-22 for nearly his whole life my bride and I did have occasional disagreements on parenting and discipline. When those disconnects arrived we would discuss them and if we could not come to a compromise I took the stance that if she did not like how I was parenting or disciplining then she could step up and get it done before I had to. That worked. In fact it worked so well that the kid pulled me aside when he was in his early teens and asked ….. Dad, can you please go back to being the one who disciplines me? You lecture me, discipline me, and then move on. Mom never forgets and tortures me for weeks on end when I do something stupid. You lecture me and ground me or spank me and I can get back to my life until the next time I screw up. Mom lectures me for weeks, grounds me, and spanks me, and gives me crap about my screw up so I can never forget it…….

So, rather than disengaging I would suggest that you own SD’s butt. If DH does not like how you parent or discipline SD then he can step up and get it done before you have to or he can STFU until you can discuss in private.