Drained after winter break... manipulation? or red flags? Help!
Good morning everyone! Happy new year! lets hope for a better one...RIGTH??
Ok, we had SD9 from the 27th to yesterday... and God help me, I am drained... It wasn't as bad as I pictured it to be, but she is so needy and just...exhausting!... She felt the need to share A LOT about BM and what is going on in their foreclosure palace, BM has a 6 month old baby and she is pregnant again...SD9 busted into tears at breakfast 4 days ago, she was acting very funny, very silent, so I asked her what was going on? and she just let it alllll out, by all I mean, this kid usually is very secretive because her mom drills her against us... but anyway, she told us her mom is pregnant yet again, and she ran to the courthouse at some point and got married to the baby daddy (mine you, this is the truck driver she was dating, got pregnant with, kicked out, took back all while calling my husband worthless and "ghetto" for having 3 kids in a 3 room house) anywayyyyyyyyy this was just the beginning of this long arsss laundry list of complains, she told us her mom and SD want her to move to the room in the basement (horror, BM send DHS to our house because SD and BD6 share rooms!!), she said she is her mom's maid, that mom is acting lazy, and that her mom is calling her fat all the time, asking her to suck her tummy, and telling her her face is round and fat...it went on and on and on... I was sitting there, looking at her like WTH? why are you sharing this with me? ...basically she said she needed to vent, because she feels her mom doesnt like her, because she is fat and because her mom is popping babies none stop, so she doesn't get any attention...she also had the need to say that her mom hates me bacuse I marry her "ex boyfriend" and because i am not fat...REALLY?! how do you think is a good idea to tell all this to your child!?
After this conversation, she was very needy, wanting to hug me all the time, tattle telling on my BD6 all the freaking timeeee almost like trying to make brownie points... RED FLAG...I would never allow this kid to move here! not until her dad parents her! my DH is a great parent to my children, but he is a playmate to his kid and she is noisy, mean and manipulative...
Of course as a mom and sane adult, I feel horrible for the kid, she does have a serious weight issue (110 pounds at 9 year ) and eats NONE stop, she eats twice as much as I do... but I would never call her fat, or pick on her... is this an attention cry or manipulation? I feel like my husband is going to ask me anytime to "go to court and try to get her full time" .... I don't think I can handle that!
Some of you know my record with this kid, she lies a lot, some of the things she said about her mom don't surprise me at all... some realllyyy do...I am not sure what to think...
what do you guys think ?
Oh forgot to add... her mom
Oh forgot to add... her mom is forcing her to use eye contacts instead of glasses because "in her experience she is so dumb and clumsy, they will be broke in 24 hours!" she is scared to use the contacts, she says it hurts... uuughhhhh
Sounds like the poor kid is
Sounds like the poor kid is going through a lot. I don't blame you for not wanting her to live with you until her dad steps up his game.
Do you think that he would get custody if he tried?
I honestly dont know... from
I honestly dont know... from the outside, her mom as always being a "dance mom" and this kid has being showered with gifts her whole life, but it almost feels like it all image, like behind close doors, she is being abused by a very insecure, mean person... So I truly don't know if her mom would allow that, because it would damage her fake image of the perfect family...
I deal with similar issues
I deal with similar issues it's so frustrating and upsetting too! My sd just turned 7 and her BM treats and talks with her like she is 17! I am with you I feel bad for my sd but that's her mom and I foresee her having issues as she gets into her teens cause her mom is a whack job, I pretty much just informed my sd to do what she needs to do to make her mom happy and that is about the best advise I can give her in dealing with that thing she calls a mom! Sd shares a lot with me about issues and feelings she has, I try to just listen and understand and help her to problem solve to deal with things differently at her BM house. It has seemed to help unfortunately doesn't make it any less upsetting for me!! Sounds like your sd has had some similar issues we experienced.
That is basically what I am
That is basically what I am doing, she has said to me that she CANNOT tell her mom she and I get a long because she will be in serious trouble and mom would scream at her... so I told her hunnie this is not a beauty contest, I don't care about your mom or what she thinks so do whatever you need to do... the sad part is that I have a daughter too, and a son, and my children are my life, at it makes things very difficult that my BD6 is skinny tiny and is a ballerina, this makes SD9 very angry and jealous, because she reflects on my BD all the things her mom tells her she is not, its so tiring!!! I tell her, you are an artist, you are smart, have beautiful eyes, but she is just so angry all the time...
I feel so lost... I am seriously starting to feel like this is more that what I bargained for!
Thank you!!! I loved every
Thank you!!! I loved every piece of your advise!!
As a mom and a sane adult,
As a mom and a sane adult, your feelings are valid. It must be heart-breaking to hear all this stuff coming from a child.
HOWEVER, that's her mother... the one that your man chose for her. SD won't die from having a shitty mom (hopefully!) and may become a better person because of it. In your position ("the woman who married mom's ex-boyfriend"), there's a 96.5% chance that you won't get out of this unscathed especially if you care too much.
Let your sane lady lead...
Keep your guard up, and your sympathy under wraps because YOU will be the miserable one if she comes to live with you full time. My heart breaks for SO's kids when I think about their situation, then my good sense kicks in and says: Blayze, they are the younger version of every other troubled teen you've worked with...you just have a ringside seat this time so the dysfunction is magnified.
No matter how much we want to care, because of our "role", compassionate, helpful, fixer-type SM's bear the brunt of the misery. What I've gotten from ST is the realization that these kids ain't worth it!
I agree...I completely and
I agree...I completely and fully agree.. I also fear that if she ever attempts to make the move, both her and my DH will be out of the door.. I just cannot deal with that! she is very destructive for my children, who are not perfect by any means, but are very well adjusted!