Really need advice ... struggling step mum!
Hi everyone... this may take a while !
Mum just looking for someone hopefully who can either relate, help or just give advice.
I am currently with my partner of over 3 years, we have lived together the past year, I have a little boy of 7 from a previous relationship and he has a little girl of 4 going on 5 to previous also.
The children get on sometimes and it is mainly on her terms, when she wants to. But other times when they don’t eat on it’s because ‘she doesn’t want to be near him’ or ‘she wants her space’ or ‘daddy he did this’. So very much under her control. My little boy has always idolised her until lately when he’s giving up interest and to be fair I don’t blame him. But my little boy can be a wind up (as all kids can) and when he knows sh doesn’t want to be around him he winds her up massively, then one of them if not both start crying. My partner cannot deal with this and goes crazy (usually at my child) but to me it is very normal child behaviour.
On top of all of this I don’t seem to think things are right with his little girl. Her attitude, her anger, the rudeness when she talks, she didn’t say hello or goodbye or goodnight (without a fuss) she has no empathy apart from towards her parents, she is becoming to enjoy routine (more in the sense of doing the exact same things at certain times of the day) she likes her own space, she hates going to play centres or parties or being around a lot of people. She is very sensitive to clothing and smells and loud noises. I have questioned ASD, mild. However the plot thickens...
i have pointed out my concerns to her dad who became defensive although admitting he thought something was wrong however he seems to not be doing anything about it?!
I am struggling and beyond breaking point. I’m drained the way he is with my little boy, I’m drained with heow his little girl is .... (if there was something there and we could address it believe me I would, but I can’t when he’s not pushing anything!) her mum either had played a blind eye to it all labelling her from birth as ‘shy’ ‘rmbarrased’ ‘Worried’ ‘OCD’ ‘anxious’ ... so believes she is all of the above???!!!
i literally have no idea what to do? There’s only so much you can do as the step parent.
Please help !
I had concerns about my
I had concerns about my oldest SD too.
After living with her for a year and doing a lot of reading, I started trying to talk with DH about her not kid normal things like extreme food sensitivity, touch sensitivity, extreme emotional reactions to a normal experience, hyper focus on an activity to exclusion of everything else...etc. I gave him articles to read, books, etc. He'd read on or two paragraphs and then get overwhelmed and refuse to read more.
So yes, I stopped. I stopped helping with food, clothing, and advice. He got to deal with it. He recently told me he thinks something wasn't connected right with her...yes DH I had been trying to tell you for years! He just said 'yes' and changed the subject.
There is nothing you can do but reinforce behaviors you want to see and enforce basic rules. Be firm and consistent but withdraw from what you cannot do.
Step back, take a deep breath
Step back, take a deep breath and quit focussing on why she does what she does. Focus on what she does. Confront her toxic behaviors.
Set the standards of kid behavior for your home and hold each kid accountable to those standards in an age appropriate manner. When any of them deviate from those standards for whatever reason apply escalating age appropriate unpleasant consequences. Kids behave in ways that return some result or reward that they want. Be it attention, control, etc, etc, etc... Remove the reward and apply an unpleasant painful consequence and the behaviors change.
When she pulls her crap apply the consequences.
Lather, rinse, repeat.