Rock and a Hard Place
My wife vented on me yesterday, saying that I don't like her children, but I dote on my own.
This is true, and I couldn't argue with her.
I've been with her and her children for almost four years now.
Her son is untreated ADD (she refuses to put him on medication, feeling that it only numbs him)
In the last four years, he has had violent outbursts...he once picked up a cat and hurled it into the sidewalk out of anger.
He's left marks on my three-year-old daughter. He has calmed down alot, but overall he's very whiney and lazy. He's 12 yrs old now. To get to even clean his room is a big ordeal of whining and fighting.
Her daughter, almost 12, has a mouth from hell. She routinely tells her mom off, argues over everything and comes and goes as she pleases, and lies about where she's been and what she's been doing.
In my mind, I know I can't address these issues. Mom let them run the house for years befor eI came along. So no, I don't like them. This is about to break up our marriage, but I cannot for the life of me even bring myself to want anything to do with them.
My two children are the same ages, and I've never had such extreme behaviour issues with them. My wife tells me that they are just as bad when I'm not around, but I know them, and I know that they have a very strong sense of respect, even when they don't get their way (as in having to eat what everyone else is eating for supper, even if they don't care for the food)
If anyone has gone thru this, by all means, tell me how you handled it! Thanks.
I think because these kids
I think because these kids have had the run of things for so long and are about to enter their Teen years, you have very limited options, especially without any cooperation on your Wife's part. Even if she wanted to do something about it, she would have trouble because it's gone on for so long; this behavior is part of their personalities now. Sadly, it's likely going to get worse as they hit those Teen years full force.
I would be honest with her and tell her due to the way she's raised the kids that they are not very pleasant to be around and if nothing changes, the relationship will likely end. This is not an ultimatum--you are not telling her 'do this or else'. It's simply a hard truth that maybe she needs to hear because not only is she setting her kids up for future failures as Adults, she's also ruining her Marriage. Ask her if she'd be willing to go to Parenting Classes and Counseling (individual and marital). If she is not willing to do anything and is content with how she's Parenting, you are out of luck. You have to protect your kids from whatever damages this family structure is going to create. (If the 3yr old is your shared child, you'll have to file for joint custody in a divorce). If your wife is willing to seek professional help, there's hope, with hard work. Good luck to you sir!
Thanks guys. Really taking in
Thanks guys. Really taking in all of the advice and related situations. My wife is cracking down on them alot more now, but as mentioned, it's too little, too late. Counselling might be an avenue, but in truth, I only hope they move out soon or go to their dad's, who basically ignores them when they're over there. I'm not beyond separation if it becomes an issue of her feeling she needs to run to the side of her children while resenting her husband for not "liking" them, all the while trying to pretend that their behaviour should be somehow forgotten. I sit in the shadows watch the circus unfold every day, and I would be willing to try to bond with them if there was even an ounce of respect shown and alot less whining and blaming and cursing...but it isn't even remotely about to occur that way.
All said though, I can't help but think down the road when the Sks are grown and gone..do we, as step parents in such a situation ever look back with regret, that perhaps we should have/could have had more influence or tried harder with them as children, or is it ok to say goodbye and good riddance..even if the SKs know as adults that you really didn't want them in the picture.
I never want my own children to feel that their dad could have done better, and I doubt they ever will..but the SKs...like it was said, mean no more to me than the kids down the street.