SD9 is running the show
SO glad to have found this site! I'm no longer alone in seeing how manipulative a 9yr old girl can be... My bf of 4yrs has a 9yr old daughter who I felt I was close to when she was younger, & before we lived together- once we moved in together everything changed. I have two kids from a previous marriage, my son is 13 & my daughter is 8. She & SD9 have a seemingly bipolar relationship, sometimes they get along well, other times its nonstop fighting. I've long known that SD9 is beyond spoiled by her BM, she never leaves the store without a toy/clothing- something. My bf is more frugal financially- but her constant parade of new toys & things became a quick issue between her & my daughter. Bf suffers from severe guilty dad syndrome, even though he & BM broke up when SD9 was very young, (under 2yo). He cannot say no, gives no rules, boundaries or discipline under the guise of (she's such a good kid, & because I only see her every weekend I don't want her to be upset when she's here). I've told him until I'm blue in the face that NOW is the time to practice discipline as once she's 15, its going to be too late- & because she IS a good kid, you've gotta take advantage of opportunities to say no, implement some parental authority, etc. In the past two years, SD9 has told everyone in her family & my bf's family that I'm mean to her, that my kids are mean to her, & that she wants things to go back to how they were before we lived together (the whole 'mean' allegation rocked my world- i love kids & interact with them well- never had my character questioned like that EVER! )... I've disengaged from her because she doesn't listen to a word I say, won't eat anything I cook, & is quick to point out to my own daughter how mean I am- which is upsetting. SD9 is typically here every weekend as bf & BM have very casual arrangements. She's had lice 4 Times in the past four months, is already pretty overweight & gaining weight rapidly, has really poor personal hygiene, no sense of table manners & wears clothing that's too tight & inappropriaye for her age. Everytime she is sick with strep, the flu, she's rushed to my house. Bf has acknowledged his feelings of guilt, but doesn't see a relation between SD9 behavior & how he interacts with her. She's clingy, uses a baby voice, insists on holding his hand constantly outside of the home & would still be sleeping with him had I not put my foot down... she's recently begun choosing to not come over on the weekends because 'my daughter is so mean, I'm so mean, etc'... I see this as 100% manipulative, she's withholding herself to hurt her dad! & while I've told him she shouldn't be making these decisions for herself, nothing changes. I think he also has guilt because he has a great relationship with my kids, who are here all the time. Even my kids see SD9s behavior as being demanding, spoiled & void of any discipline. Since I disengaged with her, I feel like they spend more time together, but now bf is upset that I "ignore her".... I can't change this situation- but I want him to see that allowing SD9 to decide when she's visiting isnt appropriate. & I want her to stop being nasty to my daughter, 8yo... Thoughts??? Lost cause????
Well, same here gal I was
Well, same here gal I was really recommending this site for my friends because aside from that fact that it really has a lot of things to learn about it is also full of people trying to make a name in the industry. - Lindsay Rosenwald
Wow ! I could have written
Wow ! I could have written every word you wrote several years ago. You situation sounds almost identical to my life. I wish I could say it's gotten better over the years but that is so not true. In fact things have progressed to a very tense ackward silence whenever we are all together. Once you add teenage drama and attitude to a mix of guilty dad you get a very nasty result. I have pulled back almost 100%. I refuse to allow them to make me feel bad about myself any longer. I wish I had any suggestion to give you but I don't. Until these men deside to be parents there is nothing that will change.
Same here. We have a 16 year
Same here. We have a 16 year old headed down a dark path and her father realized it way to late.
How has it been with a
How has it been with a teenager? I feel that SD9 is likely to experience depression at some point based on her current personality, & if dad can't handle this when she's this young- no way he's gonna handle an angry resentful teen. Ugh. Hope you get some peace PrincrssFiona.... do you feel like disengaging from SD in & of itself is 'bad'?
I agree that depression and
I agree that depression and or other personaility problems are a real possibility. I have seen it with my SD. She has some disturbing personality quirks. I urged DH many, many times over the years to get her some help to deal with whatever is causing her to act out. We actually got far enough to get an appointment with a therapist but BM pulled the plug on it after previously agreeing to it. I think that was the start of my disengaging. If this child has two parents who arent' interested in her well being then who am I to step in and think I can make them, or change anytihng. And I do think that disengaging in and of itself is not necessarily good for the child, it's only good for me. It definately is not good for my relationship with DH. But in the end it was the only alternative to leaving.
How has it been with a teenager? In some ways better. She is often shut up in her room for hours at a time with no interaction with anyone else in the house. She sleeps, showers, grabs a little food and goes back to her room. However, as is typical of teenagers she has that underlying 'attitude' about everything. Eye rolls, face scowl, haughtyness. I choose to ignore ALL of that. It is not worth my effort. I get on my own DD for each and every one of those things because I am her parent. I think her relationship with DH is deteriorating. There is not real substance to it. She doesn't treat him like a parent or even like someone important in her life. But then again he doesn't act like her parent either. You get what you put into it.
SD's relationship with my DD is still like you described it. Sometimes they are best of friends others SD acts like everything DD does is dumb and annoying and she lets her know it. When my DS and DD act like that with each other I correct it. You know, try to teach my kids to be kind people and to be tolerant of others. It's kind of a life skill. However, DH does nothing when it's SD doing it. In fact he is quite skilled at NOT seeing any of it.
Move out! Don't subject your
Move out! Don't subject your bio children to this mess. Date him and live separately.
Totally I've considered
Totally
I've considered it...
This is so sad. It breaks my
This is so sad. It breaks my heart. Look at that poor child and see she's 9... do you think she's equipped with all the experiences and common sense you have? No... and you can't rly teach her because she is a growing woman in this whole situation. So she eats constantly... beside the fact that that may be disgusting to you, she probably isn't doing it to make you go ewwww but probably because she doesn't know what else to do. I bet u she gets in trouble and after yelling at her ppl go "u want a cookie?" So all she wants is to feel good and be good.... yes you need to have constant and reliable disciplining... but have you thought about constant and reliable love too? Not that you aren't good enough or loving enough... just that love is a pre requisite for all of us.. and when we don't feel we have it we act crazy...
As far as the pooping thing... think about it.. does she have a mental condition that prevents her from going to the potty... or does she just not care bc when she does poop she finally gets talked to like a person and she finally counts as someone. ... you know what I mean?
Love is the only thing that
Love is the only thing that has kept bme hanging on here- this little girl & I used to be really close buddies until she was 7 & her dad & I moved in together. I'm the one that's assured her everybody gets lice at somepoint, done her school projects with her, taken her to the ballet & tried to teach her healthy eating habits. & I'm the one who gets the evil eye if u ask her to pick up a sock from the floor. So I leave that to her dad, who doesn't ask her to do anything. I don't expect 'constant & reliable' discipline- I don't do that with my own two kids, but I also taught my two kids manners, respect & a small degree of personal responsibility when they were much smaller- so its not as though I'm nagging the kids in this house constantly for attention. Nothing I do is ok with her- from the food I cook to the gifts I get her for her bday. The past years ive watched the gifts I've purchased stay in gift bags on the floor in her closet. This year I got her an initial necklace, asked her dad to give it to her without her knowing it was from me- & she loves it. You can only show love & be rejected so many times before u beGin keeping your thoughts & feelings to yourself. Love is about giving kids tools they need to grow, not allowing then to believe every adult should cater to them.
I'm in a similar boat as you,
I'm in a similar boat as you, Cat. I'm recently married to my husband who has a 10 yr old daughter. We've been together for 9 years. When SD was younger, we got along well. Even when we moved into our house 3/12 years ago, things were fine. When husband and I got engaged is when things went to hell...SD didn't want to hangout alone with me or with she and her dad anymore, she wanted BM, dad, and herself to hangout. SD is also clingy with her dad, although that has gotten a little better in the last year. She whines and talks in a baby voice. She's a good kid, but she can be annoying at times. It didn't come up until the last few months where SD told her dad and BM that she doesn't like me. She has said I'm mean but can't give any examples. I, too, am frustrated and upset cause I put my time and effort into spending time with her, buying her things she likes, making meals she'll want, etc...and for her to say this?? I don't get it!
I agree with disengaging. If that's what it takes for you to have your sanity, so be it! You're feeling frustrated for DH not parenting and feeling unappreciative from your SD. Your DH is going to parent this child the way he feels is best, which may be not parenting at all, and there's hardly anything you can do. All your efforts have backfired. I have disengaged slightly too, and my DH sees it as having his daughter "win" cause she gets daddy all to herself. I see his point, but I can't be around them as much as I used to between her attitude and his (lack of) parenting skills. He's trying to be a better parent and put his foot down (only took him 10 years), so hopefully (some) things will change soon. Maybe with you disengaging, your DH will come to his senses and attempt to parent this little girl. Hopefully he does come to his senses because like you said if things continue, SD's behavior isn't gonna be pretty when she's 15.
LTeach25, I'm sorry you're
LTeach25, I'm sorry you're dealing with this two, but really psyched someone understands! This isn't the sort of thing I'm comfortable bringing up casually with friends as I'll likely sound like the wicked stepmom I'm accused of being!
I've just ordered the book 'step monster', & found some really good articles. Hoping that him reading these articles will help him. He really thinks I want him to be hard on her because I don't like her, which sucks. Game point SD. The way these dads can feed into all this drama is insane! His first reaction to her claims to BM that I was ' so mean ' was to suggest he couldn't stay in a relationship his kid wasn't happy with!
Because she's typically at our house every weekend, its damn near impossible to make plans for an occasional date nite- he makes plans with BM without talking to me, (why should I determine when he sees his daughter?? He says )... so I basically have to make an advance reservation with him to go to dinner every few months, & god forbid we argue anytime relative to this- cause then I'm " trying to keep SD away because I don't like her"... but then other times he seems to grasp the cycle here, how her total indulgence mom has influenced her, & how his guilt parenting has effected everyone.
Sigh... exhausting.
I just ordered Stepmonster,
I just ordered Stepmonster, too...how funny is that? I'm waiting for it to be shipped.
DH started to put his foot down with SD after he, SD, and BM went to a therapist together about 6 months ago. This was BM's idea because SD was always calling her from our house complaining about how she hates it here; how DH doesn't let her do this. Anyway, the therapist said how both parents are giving this child the power and letting her run the show. DH's mom and I saw this the whole time and tried to help him out but he always had excuses for her behavior. Maybe it's possible you and DH can see a therapist..just a suggestion. It seems though that your DH doesn't see any problems with SD therefore doing nothing to correct them.
I've been reading online how when stepkids say their stepparent is mean or don't want to form a bond with them, usually has to do with being in a loyalty bind with the biological parent. They say some signs of this are when the stepkids are nice & polite to other people but not their stepparent, the biological parent makes the child feel guilty for spending time with the other parent & stepparent, the child and biological parent are more like friends. Those were some that stuck out with me cause my SD and her BM are more like friends, and BM will make SD feel guilty if SD doesn't wanna do something that BM wants to do. This could be why your SD is saying you're mean and wants things to go back to the way they were.
Another thing I read online is how stepkids do better with one-on-one activities with the biological and stepparents rather than DH, SD, and myself doing things together. I've asked my SD to do things with just me but she's not interested. However, my SD is great when DH will leave me alone with her to go to work. She listens to me and doesn't give me a hard time. DH's mom says the same thing, but when DH is around she's not as nice, doesn't listen the first time, clingy, & babyish. Have you tried spending one-on-one time with your SD even with your other kids not around?
Lastly, what does the court order say about DH's visitation with SD? From what you're saying, how he gets SD every weekend by making these plans with BM, that this is not in the CO and he's getting her extra. It'll be nice if you to can talk it out and come to an agreement on having a date night at least once a month. That will help your relationship. It's great he wants to spend time with his daughter, but he needs to make time for you too. It must be difficult with having three children around, but it is necessary in order for your relationship to grow. Otherwise you're just gonna be frustrated even more cause your needs are being met. When it gets to that point you might just bail.
I'm wishing you luck!!! I hope by disengaging and having your DH read the Stepmonster book, your DH will not see "you" as trying to hinder a relationship with him and his SD.
I think all the things you
I think all the things you described are ongoing issues here ... & when SD & I are alone together, she's always pleasant & appropriate! Throw one other person in the mix though, & it changes the entire dynamic.
interestingly- BF & BM have NO court ordered visitation agreement! & no child support orders! How does this happen you might wonder???? I haven't a clue. The state we live in is hardcore about pursuing child support if a child receives Medicaid, which I know SD does, but they've never been to court. No custody/visitation/support. Bizarre, right? I've even wondered silently if perhaps he's not named on her birth certificate? he's admitted paternity was questionable at the time she was conceived, but BM said he's dad, he's been there since birth, that's his daughter & he doesn't want to know any different now. But why wouldn't she want to pursue child support? Because court would order paternity established as they were never married? (Standard practice in our area). Its a mystery........
Just last weekend SD told her dad she wasn't coming over because my daughter is so mean to her & she doesn't like it here.... he dropped by BMs house an hour later to take SD on a walk to the nearby park to discuss why she felt this way- & she had four friends over spending the nite! So was it that she really didn't want to come over, or that she wouldn't tell her dad she'd rather have friends over so she blamed not liking my kid & our home? & get this- so this weekend, he's Planning to take her camping, (which I initially misunderstood- thought we were all going & was excited) to spend time with her alone to figure out what's up with her feelings. Talk about positive reinforcement! She's totally got it down- blame stuff on my step fam & make my dad feel awful, & I get rewarded with special one on one time! This is MADNESS I tell you!
I agree with all of the
I agree with all of the comments except Dassia. I am sure she made you feel worse about your situation. This is a site of support for the step parent not an advocacy site for children. I think most of us are good people here, really want to be the best to our step kids, love them and have a harmonious life. I just don't see that you are doing anything wrong here.
I too have disengaged to a point and then things are better. Then I see the SD 11 making progress. Then my SO relaxes his rules. Then she slides back. I get frustrated. And round and round it goes. I have recently been speaking to the SD when my SO is not around, telling her things in such a way that she knows I am unhappy with her behavior but not to the point that she runs to my SO tattling on me about it. I have to be very careful because she is intelligent and manipulative. I have my own child so I tell her things indirectly so she will get it, like,...."I don't let Mickey get away with...xyz". All she would be able to do in that case would be to go to my SO and say what I said about my own kid. Frustrations run high though because my SO is so inconsistent in enforcing the rules and it is like the SD never learns. I get to a point where I almost blow my stack. I am at that point today as a matter of fact.
I am lucky because my SD is not a little snit and not outwardly rude to me. My SO would never tolerate that. He does let her be lazy, sloppy, poor dressing, unkept, babyish and just plain weird sometimes. I try to bring order and age appropriateness to her life. Her basic nature because he has made her that way is to be completely helpless. She knows I won't tolerate that. I am going to have to speak to her today about some things I have been noticing. I am going to try and be as kind as I can even though inside I feel like screaming at her. I never would because I wouldn't want my SO to treat my kid that way. I always have to constantly think how I want my kid to be treated. Good luck to you!