Seriously? Are people so dense?

How hard is it to figure out that a small child would be insecure when a parent remarries, and might need reassurance of her place in the new family and her mothers heart?

And how hard would it be to realize that the clingy behavior and trying to "push out" the new husband is her childish way of saying "Change Back!"

SMH.

This is entirely your fault. You need to parent rather than whatever it is you have been and are doing.

Your DH should not have to be confronted with a kid who's parents won't effectively deal with inappropriate behavior. The two of you need to sit DD-8 down explain how the marriage thing works and inform her that she is loved and will always be loved but that her behavior is unacceptable and if it continues she will be punished.

The children are the top responsibility in the marriage but the marriage is the only and top priority for the spouses.

You are not the one in the middle, your DH is. HE is in the middle of the woman he loves and a kid that is out of control. Your DD needs comfort and to understand that she is part of the family. She also needs to understand that your DH is to be respected and if DD does not respect him and you she will be held accountable for her behavior.

IMHO of course.

Take care of yourself, your marriage, and your family.

You are not a victim caught between two people you love. You are an adult in charge of a young child. It is your job to teach her to deal with life and life is full of change. Yes, the child is craving normalcy. The more upset you let her act, the less normal life is. Show her there's nothing to be upset about. Rules are still in tact. She is still the kid. You are still the adult. You do not need her nor ALLOW her to tell you what to do (control your body space, etc.) because that would be the ultimate in not normal. She will feel safe when she finds big people are taking care of her, not the other way around.

You are also your husband's spouse. A person who signed a legal contract to stand by his side, not on a fence. If you do not teach this kid that life is just fine, there's nothing to be upset about, the sun still rises, and little children are still not allowed to whine, tantrum, act snotty, get away with murder, then you will get yourself an ever weakening marriage and raise up an insecure, helpless, angry young woman.

As for the child's dad, help your child fend off his inappropriate comments by teaching her to say "I don't talk about your house at mom's and I don't talk about mom's house here." And other such things. Tell her all her life she will love new people and more people and her heart will be big enough for all of them. You can list them off -- gramma, bff, new puppy, favorite cartoon character, new baby cousin, etc. All these people make her heart bigger, everyone will just have more room, no one will ever be crowded out. Tell her stuff like that for comfort and keep the rules for behavior in place. Show your husband that his feelings are important to you and you would defend him like you expect him to defend you. And let your ex feel as irrelevant as he is.

Now I can't resist saying about your marriage -- you are not special because you brought a child into it and he didn't. You don't get a special free pass from your vows. You don't get to treat him like 2nd, 3rd, or worse on your priority list. You have to take those vows seriously and make him feel you are loyal and BY HIS SIDE. On the same team. Not standing outside the circle chewing on your pinky fingernail looking helpless while a 3rd grader snips and snaps at him like an angry terrier. Are you his partner or aren't you? The good news is being a good wife will require the same course of action as being a good mother. No matter what you're feeling, you don't take it out on other people is a good lesson to learn and I've seen mammas teaching it to babies still in diapers so don't tell me she's too young.

I do wish you well and hope you take some of our advice to heart. It would be nice to think ST got a train re-aligned before it fully went off track.

PS Oh, by the way, nobody taught this stuff to my SD when she was 8 or otherwise. Now she's 15 and on the verb of flunking out of high school cuz she just can't follow any rules or care about a single other person. Do you really want this for your daughter?

Eight year olds are in the prime of their emotional development...With that being said...It sounds like she is insecure that she is being replaced by your "new husband". Perhaps if you sit her down with your dh and explained to her her that she is your daughter, and no one can replace her....God chose to put her in your family and no one can change that...Circumstance may change, but nothing can change her status... just what her role is in the family will help define boundaries for future challenges...Having your dh there will help because she needs to know that he knows this also. It will also help him see the reality of that truth.

Then, you need to explain dh's role in your life, and how different it is from her role...(this will help confirm his status in front of her so they both are aware of this truth. Yet, while each one of them own a piece of real estate in your heart...you love them both...how important it is to you that two people that you love so much not fall into the trap of competing with each other...You love them both ...It's just "different for each one"...Each one plays a unique role in your family...Clarifying boundaries will help a great deal...You may have to repeat yourself many time to re-affirm your position...

He doesn't get to be jealous of your daughter...and your daughter will hopefully grow to trust Him that He is not trying to replace her...Second marriages are full of challenges, but with a bit of patience,,,I think this one can be worked through successfully...You sound like a great mom...I am glad you got her some counseling...eight years old is pretty young to try and figure this stuff out on her own...Hang in there....