Should I Stay or Should I Go?
I'm in quite the pickle here. My boyfriend has 4 children of his own - ranging 16 to 11 years old. They split their time 50/50 between him and their mother. I have no children, never been married and I'm still relatively young. We've been dating for a while and our relationship has been going from strength to strength. He truly is a wonderful man and partner. However, I am having serious reservations about taking the next step and moving in together (all eventually in the hopes of getting married, which we've both discussed openly that we want).
When it's just he and I, things are great. His children are kind and respectful so behavior isn't something I'm necessarily worried about (at least not right now). What gives me pause is that I can't help but feel that if we "take the next step", so to speak, I'll feel like a stranger in my own home. One child would be much easier to deal with, but FOUR?! I can't even imagine myself sitting at a restaurant with all of them if we were to go out to eat....it makes me sick to my stomach to even think of it. I've also expressed to my boyfriend that I'd like to start having my own children within the next few years. So that would leave us with seven people in one house.....and I want more than one child of my own.......
I go back and forth between feeling that I'm being superficial and would be passing up on a great guy, or just feeling like I need to run and get the hell out as quickly as I can. When I share these fears with my boyfriend, he says I'm being naive and selfish - that no one's family life is really neat and tidy, even if there are no step children around. But I can't help but feel that he's trying to sell me on the whole situation. Obviously it's in his best interest to make the (potential) future arrangment sound like it'll be great.
Has anyone been here before? None of my friends have step children so I have no one to bounce these thoughts off of.
I have four bio kids and one
I have four bio kids and one step kid but I always wanted a big family! I love the chaos, until I don’t. Then I become thankful that I don’t have a sixth. Haha. When ss is here on his time, I feel like we have a visitor in our house. Sometimes I feel like I need to keep him entertained and other times I feel like I can’t be myself in my own house. That feeling goes away as the week progresses, however. My kids love and adore their big brother so it’s nice when they all get to be together. Adding one more to four was not a big deal. Haha
I actually completely
I actually completely understand that and it makes sense. Just one, or even two, step children, and I wouldn't feel so outnumbered. But with four, it's just a nightmare on a lot of different levels.
"It's just a nightmare on a
"It's just a nightmare on a lot of different levels"
You answered your own question. Correctly in my opionion.
Even having 1 skid at home is enough to make
you feel unwelcome if they shun you and go out if their way to make you feel uncomfortable. Also often skids play this image of being nice during dating time but they can’t keep that image for too long. Eventually their true colours show through.
also he has 4 kids aged 11-16, meaning he had 1 kid per year, i’ve often found when people had that many kids that close, there is no effective parenting and kids have been neglected to an extent. Having 2 kids close together with a gap of under 2 years is hard enough, this guy has had 4 kids in 5 years..
also what is the plan on these kids moving out? Should you really have 7 or say 10 people (if you had 3 kids) living together in your home indefinitely? What is this mans vision on his kids of working age? Where i’m from even rich parents forced their kids to get a casual job at age 13-14 or latter years of high school and they had to contribute some money to home even if it were say $50 a week.
Is this man expecting all his 4 current kids to be in their 20s and living at home? Also when you have kids what will their sleeping arrangements be? Is he going to make existing kids share a room to make way for new siblings??
there are alot of questions needing to be answered here and don’t get sucked into this whole facade of he’s a great guy. Bad parents have a way of sucking you in and conning you that home life is fine when they know full well it isn’t but they crave a normal healthy relationship that their kids can’t provide at home because of the dysfunction and selfishly lie to you to suck you in
before you know it you’re knee deep in it, pregnant or just given birth to a child and asking yourself how stupid i am to bring a child into this marriage
i am lucky because my inlaws know all 3 skids are dysfunctional and see how ss actually treats us and when they’re around he plays this its all good image. They berate him for it especially his 1st cousins. They don’t get how he can’t treat his half siblings as a sibling and be a good example and show affection and attention. In the 3 years i had our 2 kids aged 3.5 & 2, my husbands niece and nephews out of state show my kids more affection, attention and soend more time with my kids then ss living at home. That isn’t normal!! That’s something my inlaws shake their head about.
if i were to divorce hubby, they know what its over so hubby can’t play the innocent game. So op unless you can guarantee these are normal healthy skids who will love your kids and treat them like their own siblings, remind yourself of this image “your kid at home with its half siblings 100% ignoring them” then telling their dad and inlaws how he is incapable of showint any affection or attention and that he doesn’t know jackshit about kids and shouldn’t be made to be forced to spend time with any half siblings that live in the same home as him- because thats what mine said. What my 20yr old ss doesn’t realise is his dad has given up on him an wants to retire overseas away from skids. They’re major disappointments but also a result of his and their bio mums lack of parenting
This is a really, really
This is a really, really helpful way to look at it. Thank you!
Trust your gut. Move on to a
Trust your gut. Move on to a partner that will make you and your joint children his focus. Do not play 5th fiddle to his prior relationship children and do not subjigate your own children to his first set of four.
Your gut is telling you something. Listen.
Nope. They’re all early to
Nope. They’re all early to preteens. You don’t want that “chaos” (as another put it) in your life. Date him until atleas half of his kids age and move out of the home. You can be together but live separate. Blame it on not wanting to be crowded or appear to be intruding on his kids space.
Think about it: how does moving in with them benefit you?
Wow, someone who isn’t so
Wow, someone who isn’t so blinded by their “amazing” BF that they can’t see what’s coming! Good for you for thinking this through.
Sounds like your SO is at least a good parent, but 4 skids is a lot. And having your own will change the dynamic in ways you can’t envision.
He may be a great guy but his baggage is very real and will have a huge impact on you.
Run
I am in the situation where there are 7 of us:me, husband, my daughters from ex marriage 15 and 8, stepdaughter 15, stepson 12, our baby 1.
Despite my love to my husband, if I knew all this.... It sucks out all the energy and desires, makes me feel frustrated, unappreciated and empty.
In my case there are at least 2 even parts: 2 kids from both sides, but in your case you start from a blank page. The affection and love will be gone (or decrease) quickly, unless you really feel like you cannot breathe without him. But considering that you ask yourself and even created the topic, there is a strong hesitation. So, run.