SM to toddler with deceased bio-mom
My SO has a three year old son with his ex who passed away unexpectedly from heart failure. While I enjoy and have no issue at all with his son I get really anxious about his family's reactions and can't help feeling insecure. Though his family is welcoming there are little things that make me feel uncomfortable such as my SO's name in his mothers phone saved as "(ex's name)'s buddy" though she apologized to me when I saw it and said she needed to change it, it was another reminder. I guess I still feel like a puzzle piece trying to be pushed in where it doesn't fit. He even talks about her other two children from her previous relationship coming to stay with us and it makes me uncomfortable, I just feel like we'll never be our own little family and that it's THEIR family and I'm the outsider in it. It's hard because he's truly the love of my life and I really do enjoy being around his son and want to develop a close relationship. I just can't help feel insecure. It'd be different if they had split up by choice but since she passed away unexpectedly it makes me feel like I'm second best and will never be the true love of his life like he is for me. it shouldn't matter I know, and I feel terrible for even feeling this way but I can't seem to stop. Even when the topic of having our own child comes up I feel uncomfortable it took away my desire to even have children since he already has one plus the other two he raised for 4 years. I don't want to have a child who is less loved than his sibling and I certainly don't want to experience my first pregnancy feeling like my partner isn't excited at all. It would be a high risk pregnancy for me to begin with and when I mentioned that he immediately told me how his son was also a high risk pregnancy, the comparison made me less want to do it honestly.
I guess I'm hoping someone out there has experience with something similar and some advice? I haven't been able to find anything online that helps or is similar. I don't talk about it with him because I don't want to make him feel bad or judged. He's only ever loving and supportive and wonderful it's my own mental demons messing with me. I don't want to be constantly thinking of her and feeling bad it takes away from the special moments I have with my SO and his precious boy. It helps a little that his son and I are developing a closer relationship he also doesn't have much memory of her because he was only a bit older than 1 when she passed. Honestly it could just be that in my own family after my mom remarried and had more kids I felt like the outsider in my family being from a previous marriage so I always wanted my own family that needed me that I was a part of but I don't feel that way in my new family either.
She passed away 2 years ago
She passed away 2 years ago we met around 11 months after, but his son has been living with his brothers with BM's parents since she passed, he'll have full custody back soon though. Yes they were together when she passed. I think it's hard because there's still quite a bit a don't know about because part of me rather not know or I'll end up dwelling on it. He still has her on his Facebook as engaged but he's never once told me that they were engaged and he doesn't know I've seen his Facebook page he no longer posts or uses it anyway and I wouldn't ask him to replace it with me instead but it's definitely a bit awkward to think about.
I'm definitely glad that I can be around to give his son attention and affection right around the time we met I was diagnosed with a disease that will complicate my chances of having children which broke my heart and so when I met a man with a motherless child it seemed like a potentially wonderful fit since I always wanted children. I guess I just failed to consider the BM aspect of it, I wonder if later on he'll resent me and if I'm just the runner up woman to my SO. He was raised by his stepmom since he was four and he exclusively calls her mom and has zero affection or thoughts about his bio mom and he's extremely optimistic of my relationship with his son and confident that he'll be so happy with me around since that's how he feels about his stepmom, but the situation is different and every child's reaction is different so I really am not sure.
What you are going through is
What you are going through is a bit different than dating a divorced dad or someone who was not a couple with BM at the time of her death. Some people would love not having to deal with BM but it's also not easy dealing with a ghost.
I think you do need to find a way to talk about it with your SO, maybe even go to counseling, on your own or with him, if he's willing. You do not want to just continue on feeling this way, trust me. You need to work through these feelings before getting married or continuing this relationship for years.
My dad's wife is a prime example of somebody who should not have married a widower with kids. It was hard for her (she was very jealous), and she in turn made it very hard on the rest of us (me, my sisters, and my dad).
I think it's also important that your SO has grieved properly, which is why I suggested counseling together. It may help him with any unresolved grief. Maybe, subconsciously, you feel that he has not completely dealt with her death and that is why you feel the way you do.
It's difficult because I
It's difficult because I genuinely have no issue at all with his son but I want to please everyone around me but I really don't know how to respond in the situation. I want to do right by him, my SO, his mother and their families all while trying to adjust and figure it out for myself. I definitely think he's grieved enough I know it was very very difficult but I overheard him tell his brother (who brought up his BM) that he wasn't grieving and is the happiest he's ever been, which made me very happy also. But there are just certain reminders that are always present that makes it hard for me to be in the moment with them without thinking of her and feeling lesser than her. He has a couple large tattoos dedicated to her including one on his left ring finger which he got before he met me but now every time I see that finger I see the skull tattoo there and it makes me feel weird. If we get married one day that tattoo will be cinder our wedding ring and it's not really pleasant as small as it may seem it just bothers me a little. Nothing his son says or does in anyway makes me uncomfortable though, he's been through so much I just want him to be happy he's deserves it and I'd love to be the one who makes him happy and takes care of him but I feel like maybe I won't be enough for any of them because at the end of the day I'm just not her.
Sadly, I agree with
Sadly, I agree with Heavenlike. You self-describe as a people pleaser. Why be like this? Why make this bunch's acceptance of you so vital? They had their family dynamic going on long before you appeared, and if they don't pretty quickly welcome you with love and acceptance, then no amount of pleasing effort on your part is going to change them. In order to get through stepparenting as a sane person, you must be mature enough to care most about YOURSELF. Be prepared to exit if THEY dont meet your needs, and not the other way around!
As for the tatts, nothing you can do about that. I can see how it's an annoyance. What would worry me more is, this guy is possibly showing signs of loving the role of love bomber. First, he takes on a girl with two prior spawn, has one with her, tattoos her on his bod, then she evaporates and he's got three kids on his hands. Bad luck, but he now has a problem.
So, what does this make him....desperate for a babysitter. So he draws you into the mix, you have the perfect attitude "I'll do whatever it takes to be liked" etc. and bingo....no need to treat you with respect because you dont demand it. Most confident women would at this,point be in touch with their inner bitch already (read the book) and have some boundaries and expectations. You seem to be just sitting there quivering and trying to overhear "how he feels".
Don't keep using the "I lurv him" excuse...oh, he shows me a good time.. No! He needs help with the kids. And, you are competing with a dead saint whose name is tatted on your man's body. Decide if you like the deal or if there is something better out there. There is.
It was 100% not his decision
It was 100% not his decision to not live with his son. He's been fighting for custody long before he and I met and is finally now making headway. The BM's mother seems to want to keep custody of all three sons for whatever reason, she got the oldest two's father to sign over custody because he never cared to be involved anyway but my partner is desperate to have his son living with him again. When the three of us spend time together he takes full care of him and is both very doting and disciplinary when necessary. He also doesn't expect or ask anything of me and even has a sitter lined up for when his son moves in. Since he was raised by a single father and eventually his stepmother who he adores he doesn't consider the possibility that his son may eventually resent me because he thinks his son will react positively like he did to his SM even now 20years later after his SM and father recently split she is still his "mother", I think that relationship makes me feel more at peace because I know that's what he wants to happen between his son and I, but I realize it's not quite so easy. As of now though things are really good his son enjoys playing and talking with me and feels comfortable enough to let me feed him which is a big deal for him and be alone with me (if his dad steps away for a few minutes) which makes me happy that he's getting comfortable with me.
I think primarily the issue is that I don't feel like his family will ever accept me and do things that reinforce that feeling and insecurity. Like his brother bringing up the BM during uncesseary and awkward moments and his mother having his name saved in her phone as "BM's Buddy". When they do this is it makes me doubt myself and my partner. He has never given me any reason to think he's still in that chapter of his life or that he's unhappier with me or comparing me. He also is very much on my side and would sooner fight with his family than let them say or do anything rude of hurtful to me. But it's hard when they do these things subtly in a way that I can't really outwardly say is hurtful it's more just hinting at their discontent and every time I see parts of him I see her memory inked into his skin. I know they didn't expect such a young woman to pass so suddenly and expected her to be in their family long term but eventually my partner was going to move on and best case scenario find someone who would help care for his son. I guess since his mother is stepmom (from when he and his brother where 2 and 4) I at least expected more support from her since she can relate. I'm way too insecure to spend my life feeling like I will never measure up to the BM and I don't know how to mention it to my partner because it's probably sad to talk about and he isn't the one who's ever made me feel inadequate he really tries hard to make me feel like a part of the family.
Well you do have the choice
Well you do have the choice of deciding that, actually, it doesn't matter a toss what his BM "thinks" of you. Be your own confident person, and if she chooses to act like a beotch, then so be it. As long as you feel your partner has your back when it comes to jibes from his kin, then I guess you can't fault him for what they do and say. However, anyone who marries into an established family dynamic is always likely to feel like an outsider at times, unless that family make an exceptional effort to include you. This is exactly why it's necessary to tread your own path and to heck with what they think.
His BM passed away so she
His BM passed away so she really doesn't "think" anything of me. It's more the about my SO's family not letting go of her and feeling like I will never measure up in their eyes, my SO's or his sons.
I agree with heavenlike. He
I agree with heavenlike. He is lying to you why he has no custody. It's nearly impossible for grandparents to win full custody if the other parent is alive. It's only possible if a parent willingly gives up custody or deemed completely unfit.
The guy is asking for custody only now after you came around. Take a note of it.
He's never lied I'm fully
He's never lied I'm fully aware of the situation and know why and how she got custody. The issue isn't about his custody drama it's about the difficulty of blending a family with a bio-parent who has passed on. Dealing with the insecurities of feeling second best like your partners real love passed on and your a consolation prize, feeling that his family will always like the ex better, and how to stepparent the child(ren). I was hoping to hear from women in a similar position especially who have been a part of the children's lives since they were very young to see how the relationship turned out so that I have some kind of advice/idea of what to expect. I naturally expect that I'll be resented once he's old enough to understand what happened to his mother.