Soon to be Step Mom - How do you handle vacations/holidays when SD is with her mom?

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Hi! I'm new here & a new soon to be step to a terrific 16 year old girl. I have 2 kids of my own, boys ages 8 & 19 who's dad has been 100% absent for the last few years. While for the most part, things have gone well as we continue to blend our families - I'm encountering an issue I'd love advice from other blended families on.

For the past many years, I have taken my boys on vacation during Thanksgiving - always to the same place with the same group of friends. Last Thanksgiving we were beginning to merge families & it was my fiance's year with his daughter so we all went & had a wonderful time. Now the sticky question. My oldest will not be able to miss his college classes so can not go. This year she is scheduled to be with her mom for Thanksgiving week. (They live 2 hours away, we have her for the summer, some weekends & split holidays) The question is - is it unfair for my fiance, myself & my 8 year old to go on this vacation if she can't go? Should none of us go? My hunch is that she will be upset if we go without her & will emotionally guilt both her dad & her mom - ultimately potentially making it her moms fault, which is never good.

As far as vacations this year - we went on a family trip in July. She went on a trip with her mom in July. She & her dad also so a daddy/daughter trip every year, which although shortened to 4 days this year vs a week did happen in August. My boys & I did not take any separate trips this year but did some bonding while they were on their trip in August. My fiance & I took a weekend with no kids in May.

How do other families handle travel & vacation while a child is scheduled to be with the other parent? You replies, experiences & insight are much appreciated by this newbie!

Catlyn, while I understand

Catlyn, while I understand you are trying to be considerate, you must continue your normal life and plans when SD isnt around. You cant put things on hold just because she isnt there!You still have another child who is expecting to go because that is what y'all have done in the past, you will probably make him start to resent you, step dad and SD. My DH and MY girls took 2 vaca's without DH's daughter...of course whe didnt like it, but she was with her mother and we asked her to spend the week with us and she said she had plans, we didnt explain we had a vaca planned because WE WILL NOT HAVE HER COME WITH US JUST BECAUSE SHE IS GETTING SOMETHING out of her time with us. Go and have fun is what i suggest!!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^I

^^^^^^^^^^^^^I agree^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Thank you all for your

Thank you all for your replies. This is how I felt but needed to ensure that I wasn't being unreasonable in this new territory. If the situation were reversed, my child/ren would not go either.

Understood & yes, it is both

Understood & yes, it is both a vacation & it's a holiday. We have always used this time to get away with our friends for the holiday so I do not have to take as much time off of work & my youngest son's school is closed all week. STBSDs school is not closed the full week - but that's a separate issue. The real point is that her mother gets Thanksgiving week with her this year & we have her again Thanksgiving week next year.

I'm curious that you say "my" money & "my" vacation in your response. Would you feel the same if you did not need to use vacation time & if it was your partners money? (Yes, in this instance - although I prefer "our" money - I am the sole provider for the family which includes child support & orthodontia etc... for STBSD while he is establishing a new business.)

Would a better solution be to leave my partner home alone for the holiday week & take my 8yo? I don't think so. I'd love an adult vacation, but unfortunately my son's father is unable to spend the holiday with him.

Are you paying this man's

Are you paying this man's child support, too??

Is that relevant to the

Is that relevant to the question at hand?

I was wondering the same

I was wondering the same thing. HRNYC's logic makes no sense (go figure)

What the heck does she think the BM does when the SD is at OP's house??????? Just sit on the couch and wait for her to get back? I guess it's ok for her to eat, since HRNYC says the family without the kid can at least do that. }:)

What it boils down to is that HRNYC thinks that the stepmom and her kids need to suck it up and neverdoanythingever without SD, but it is perfectly ok for BM to do what she wants.

Considering where this is coming from....

OP, what is your son doing

OP, what is your son doing for Thanksgiving? THAT is what I would have a hard time with. I wouldn't leave my college age kid at home for the holidays alone so that I could take a vacation.
Yes, I know that 19 is an "adult." I have older kids, too... I just can't imagine taking off and leaving them behind for the holidays. :?

He will be spending the

He will be spending the holiday with his girlfriend & her family.

Why did you assume that she

Why did you assume that she was leaving her college aged kid home alone? Some 19 year olds do have friends that they spend holidays with. :?

I suggest you go on and don't

I suggest you go on and don't worry about changing it up for the daughter who's going to be with her Mom. You said she's a terrific kid so she probably won't try to guilt trip anyone. If she does, she's not such a terrific kid in my opinion.

Now all of that said, have you considered that maybe she CAN go? She's 16, not 6 and in most States, at age 13, kids have some say in which Parent they stay with full time. So I'd think she'd have some flexibility in choosing where to spend Thanksgiving regardless of the agreement. Those things tend to 'loosen' up as the kids get older b/c they start making their own decisions. While she may opt not go, I don't see the harm in her Dad talking to the Mom and then inviting her if it's agreed by the Mom. If Mom says No, then okay--move on with your plans, you tried. And if Mom agrees and daughter doesn't want to go with you guys after all, then problem solved.