Step daughter has issue with step mom
I am an adult women. I am a mom with a 14 yr old sd. I have a step mom...whom I like to call 'step thing'.
My mom passed away when I was a teenager. My dad had a long term girldfriend whom I loved very much. My dad did not marry this girlfried. He married another women who really is a pain in my ass. She is a widow, like my dad. She has two sons, both just a little older than myself.
I can admit, my dad and I are very close. Not alot of fathers and daughters have the relationhip my dad and I. When my mom passed away, it was just my dad and I and to this day, we have a very close relationship. My SM has a real problem with this. Her sons and her aren't like this. Her sons were already out of the hosue and in committed relationships when their father passed away. And, they are boys. They weren't that close even before their dad died. Their family, was nothing like mine.
Just before my dad and SM married, my SM said to us both...why should they even get married...I was already just like his wife!!!! She seems very insecure in her relationship with my dad and come on....a daughter is not a wife....not even close....not even in he same ballpark!!!!
She wore black to my wedding. Bombed my wedding shower. Walked out of the room when I delivered a baby girl....and my dad was thrilled beyond words to have another little girl to steal his heart. She snips at me all the time. She harasses and digs and bites with her words and looks.
I back off. I back off further. My dad gets mad and his feelings are hurt. He phones, he asks why we aren't coming around. He misses his family. He wants us around. He is in the middle. I don't want to make him choose. It is easier if I just keep my distance. But then he is sad.
So, all you SM's out there who struggle with your adult step children...what do I do? How can I start to fix things?
I don't have adult
I don't have adult step-children but I've been in your shoes as far as dealing with an insecure stepmother. Except mine succeeded in preventing a solid bond my dad and I could of had.
I kept away like you do but I finally told him how I felt after almost 18 years of this. I'm glad I did because he finally sees the method to the madness.
Now, I wouldn't do what I did and waited almost forever. I realize I could have prevented a lot of pain if I'd spoke up sooner. Tell your dad whats going on with you. It would at least help him understand your side. Tell him by know means are you trying to make him choose instead you don't want to leave him in a state of confusion.
I hope this all works out.
You need to talk to her one
You need to talk to her one on one. As for the wearing black to your wedding. That is the norm now and I have been doing it for years. I would only wear black. Has nothing to do with the bride, that is fashion. Get over that one.
If you talk with her and tell her these things it will help. But, keep in mind she is very insecure in her relationship with your dad. It will take a while. I am speaking as a widow with a step-mom that came in the picture after having an affair with my dad. She may have issues from being a widow on top of marrying a man with a daughter that is as close as a spouse. Lot of issues there to deal with. Good luck.
I wouldn't talk to her alone
I wouldn't talk to her alone about this. I think being that you are so close to your dad you should call for a "family" meeting. I think you should air it all out. It will help prevent any pettiness on your sm's end and will keep you from badmouthing your dad's wife to him.
Don't stop having a relationship with him though. That would be a travesty. I am very close to my dad too and couldn't imagine anyone trying to put a wedge in that relationship.
I agree with Totalybogus,
I agree with Totalybogus, you can't let her insecurity keep you from having the type of relationship you want with your dad or keep your daughter (and your father) from enjoying that special grandfather / granddaughter relationship. It isn't fair to anyone and the only one who is happy with it (maybe) is your stepmom. She's being childish. I know you don't want your father to choose and that is so admirable and you sound like you love him very much and want him to be happy. You aren't the one forcing the discomfort. She is. Maybe she'll be open to talking about. If she is, great. You can clear the air and move forward. If not, then she has a problem. Let it be hers. Don't make it yours, or your dad's or your daughters. If she is uncomfortable with your relationship, she needs to deal with it. As long as your making an effort and you're respecting her role as his wife, there is nothing you can do to make her feel better unless she is willing to talk about it.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
If I was you... I would call
If I was you...
I would call up my step mom and ask if she would like to meet for a coffee or take a few minutes to talk on the phone even. Ask her if there was anything you ever did to her that made her dislike you so much. Be polite and see what she says...she may be interpreting something in a way that could easily be clarified. Then talk to your dad one on one and let him know whats going on..don't keep him in the dark. Then maybe meet as a family and talk. Once ervyone has been brought up to speed with their thoughts and feelings.
" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore