Stepdaughter's mom OD's!
I am SO happy to have found this site tonight! Now if only I could make all of you my close, personal friends! I swear, I'm like the only step mom in my whole subdivision! And it's like our family has the plague now that my step daughter has taken up permanent residency with us. Somewhat understandable as she brought alot of negative, baggage with her...
My question for anyone tonight is how to deal with the fact that last night, my husband got a call stating that his ex had died due to an overdoes of pain killers and alcohol? We are waiting until after school, Monday, to tell the daughter...my husband is not sure what to say. This is a woman who slept around with my husband's mom's husband! She's been an alcoholic forever and a pain killer taker too! Not to mention that my step daughter treats me like crap partly due to the fact that her mom used to say horrible things about me, not that she even knew me!
My husband's ex-wife's family keeps begging him to come to the funeral. I think he wants to go with his daughter, but knows that all of those people are drunks! And a bad influence!!
What a mess! Any comments...prayers, ANYTHING!
Closure is important.
I was really close to my grandmother as a child, but I wasn't allowed to go to her funeral because my parents were afraid it would be too upsetting. I never got to say goodbye to her and that has stuck with me for thirty-plus years. I think, regardless of the family, your husband needs to take his daughter to the funeral if she wants to go. They can avoid the rest of the family by showing up just in time and leaving as things are winding down, sitting apart from them, etc. She doesn't necessarily have to be part of the visitation or socializing that goes on. I don't think it matters much at this point what kind of influence the BM's family is... they won't get to exert too much influence at a funeral and once it's over, you never have to have anything to do with any of them again.
As for how to break the news to her, I remember having to tell my son when my grandfather, his great-grandfather, died. They were VERY close. There is just no good way to say it. I said, "Honey, I have some really bad news that I need to tell you. Poppy died last night." And then the floodgates opened for both of us and we cried together. Quick and to the point is best. You don't have to say anything ABOUT her mother, unless she asks specific questions. Answer them honestly, but without judgment and then just take your cues from her. Be matter-of-fact, because she will probably want details, but don't give any more details than she can absorb. It'll be a shock, even though it probably shouldn't be.
I'd forget about anything the BM ever said about you, because it's just irrelevant now. Show your SD by your actions that you aren't what her mother said you were, let her know that you're there for her and just do whatever feels right. This is a defining moment in SD's life. She has every chance of coming out of this better than she went into it. No matter how bad a kid's mother is, she's still that kid's mother and there's going to be a lot of emotional fallout from this. It'll be tough, but if you care enough to come here seeking guidance, then you obviously care enough to do right by this girl. It'll be tough going, so gird your loins!
But I think you'll do fine. My heart goes out to your family. I know a lot of us wish sometimes that our BM's would drop dead, but deep down not a single one of us would wish that on the kids.
By the way, welcome to our world... you've just made a whole slew of new close, personal friends! These girls (and guys!) are more supportive, less judmental and just better friends than many you'd find in your cul-de-sac, neighborhood, kid's school, etc. Living that common experience really helps. We all have different stories, but boy, can we all relate!
~ Anne ~
Mother to BS9 and BD4, stepmother to SS11, SD14 and SD15.
We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.
Whoa... there, hold the reins, Anne...
While I agree with just about everything that Anne said, there is something that I whole heartedly don't and that is once the funeral is over, ..."you never have to have anything to do with any of them again." Now, I'm hoping that you didn't mean this in the context that I read it, because let me tell you... that's this little girl's family regardless if they are drunks, saints, or prostitutes, if you catch my drift.
My SS's BM 'disowned' her own father for one reason was because he 'was a drunk', but the actual truth was because he divorced her mother, after the kids had all up and grown, but she took a stand against her father for reasons her mother wanted her too... the excuse was because, 'he's a drunk.' (BM's mother disowned her own father because he divorced her mother... like mother like daughter, the cycle continues.) Yes, the man did drink a lot during his marriage to BM's mother, but once he was divorced from her, he was sober as a Mormon... (no offense to anyone, but you know they don't drink, which is my point!) He also remarried, is very happy and quite different, and BM had two other children, one he never got to see.
One day, SS was about 4 yrs old, at the dinner table he sighed and made a comment about 'maybe one day I'll get to see Grandpa'. Puzzled DH and I looked at each other, thinking that perhaps Grandpa had passed away and BM didn't say anything to him, so DH probed SS just a little to find out that the last time he saw Grandpa was 6 mths ago and he has no idea why. He asked to seek Grandpa, but Mom just says 'maybe'. Concerned, DH just so happened to call the last place Grandpa worked only to find out that that was his last day there! He was retiring! Talk about luck! So, to make a long story short, BM never bothered to question her own father regarding what her mother was telling her, and he is never allowed to see her children again for reasons he has no idea why. We questioned BM and she bullsh!ted her way through it, of course upset that we were in her private life, but our reasons were because THAT IS SS'S FAMILY whether you agree with it or not and we were confused and concerned as to what was going on.
Just because you have a fall out with another family member does not mean that it should be taken out on the kids- the kids suffer for it- not you. If your are trying to 'punish the other person', um, the kids suffer too! So, in defense for SS, we took it upon our selves to take SS to visit his BM's father even though, we do not agree with him for some of his PAST choices, but he's not horrible as BM would make you believe either. She had people thinking this man was out of control, but he never was... turns out that DH's parents have mutual friends of BM's parents. BM's mom is out of control, and BM is just like her mother... Grandpa was just doing the best he could to keep the peace while the girls were young. Also, BM held this grudge for 7 years! 7 YEARS and her youngest had NO IDEA he has a grandpa or a father figure in his life... and he runs around like a wild banshee. The little girl remembered her Grandpa, and was confused too. SS was the one that was really confused because he used to play with Grandpa on his tractor, etc.
So, my point in all of this, just because your aunt, uncle, or (in this case, the BM's family) whomever has a problem, does not mean that you should abolish those relatives from the kids because you differ from them. This little girl has grown up with these individuals around her while in BM's care, so it's not fair to her that you immediately just up and remove them from her life- especially since her mother just died. She won't be able to comprehend all this. She will always question why? May even grow up thinking it's her fault!
Instead, if you have questionable behavior from these individuals, simply just have supervised visits and ask your SD what she would like to do. Meet them at the park, or a neutral location, but be present with them. Let them have their unhindered visit, but make your presence known. This will also look favorable to a judge, since by law, grandparents CAN take remaining bio parents to court for visitation. Treat it as a business transaction.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
No, no, no... YOU meant the SM, not the kid.
I didn't say it the right way. I was thinking if SM attended with DH and SD, then naturally she'd have to be around them at the funeral, but after that, there's no reason for the SM to have to have anything to do with them. That would be between the SD and the DH, if the SD wanted to maintain contact with them.
But... she did say something about all of them being drunks, although I have no idea how bad or pervasive this problem is in SD's family. With that in mind, I think it would be up to DH, since the mother is no longer living, to decide if he wants his child around that kind of influence. No, you never want to prevent a child from being a part of either parent's family, as long as it's not an abusive situation. But my rule with my kids is that if you're going to be drunk, then my child will not be in your presence or in your care and yes, I have said NO to my sister and my stepdad being around my kids when they are off the wagon.
~ Anne ~
We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.
Whew...
I was wondering... glad that's cleared up! LOL (I figured, but I figured, I better clarify something for the rest! LOL)
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
This is really sick....
but the first thing I thought when I read your title was.... I wish that my husband's ex.... I need to go pray now or something.... Oh! and WELCOME!!
thanks!
You all are so wonderful to share your views!
I've been the stepmom for 7 years now and tonight just solidified why I am qualified for this position! And why some of us are BLESSED to be stepparents! I've read several posts on here and they all ring familiar. But when you watch a child who's lived through hell and then at 13 lose their "mom" and reach out and hold on to you for almost 3 hours, all of the past just washes away!
So be strong all you step friends, if you're truly qualified and blessed, it'll all work out!
Welcome thestepmomSo sorry
Welcome thestepmom
So sorry to hear about the pain your family is enduring. It sounds like you will be exactly what SD needs right now. I am sure she is hurting so deeply inside. My father always said the children suffer the pains of their parents. Poor thing.
I agree she should go to the funeral with your husband and maybe even you by her side. You are her family as well.
Know that on this site you will get lots of love, support and tenderness. I, too, am the only SM in my very conservative neighbourhood. But they know me and my SD now and how good we are together and they accept us both. She is sad because she doesn't get to see her friends here as often as she likes.
Good Luck to you all...we will be thinking of you.