Trapped. Unheard. Unappreciated. Resentful.
I usually come on here when things are getting tough, or just to find some sort of justification of my feelings. The short history is that I am engaged to my fiancé of two boys 5&7, I have a bio son of 6 and we have a bio daughter of 4.
The shared agreement with BM is that she has her boys every weekend while we have them throughout the week for school. Though with this arrangement happening for going on 2 years we have learned that she hardly has them on the weekends that she should and of course this comes out in behaviors with the children. I have the most issues out of the 5yo who thinks that it is okay to blatantly talk back, not listen, and just go about what it is he is doing rather than what is expected of him. Dad works the damn night shift now so he is hardly with them. I just feel defeated that I have to call him and tattle about his sons dumb ass behavior that has ceased to improve at all within the 4 years I have been present. Dad thinks I should pity him Bc of their moms short comings and I just really don't give a fuck. I have blantanly told him that I don't think this is something I can continue to carry out and he is just oblivious to how upsetting it is to me.
I guess I would just like to know if anyone feels the same? Am I ridiculous for feeling that I should be the one picking up ALL the slack of BM that doesn't do shit and dad who is "working so hard for everyone". I mean I work too. What's the difference? Does being engaged or even married mean that even more responsibility is to be expected? I already feel taken advantage of. I already feel I should leave. I've already said these things and it just seems like nothing really goes HEARD.
The most recent events of shit mom have been that of last week where she is expected to pick her kids up she gives dad lip and he just offers to drive them 45 mins out of the way. Well it actually ended up being ME driving them 45 mins out of my way. Why is it me, when she does nothing the entire week? This weekend went a little something of the same. He called to see if she could take them to the Dr the excuse is that she works 2nd shift to which he stated "she acted like she couldn't" and he rashly decided for them to be here for the weekend. Mind you I am under the weather myself. And he is working nights... so in the bed all day. Gone all evening/night. So yeah, more responsibility. AGAIN. And I'm supposed to think this was the better option Bc she said "she would have to find a sitter Bc she works Saturday and Sunday". I too work this Sunday. I am an ER RN. Basically fed up with anything extra at this point.
how the fuck do I escape.
IMO
In my opinion, her weekends are her weekends. Regardless if she has work or something going on. If she needs to find a babysitter, for whatever reason, then she has to find a babysitter. If you have to work, you find someone to care for your children, right?
She needs to have more responsibility or none at all.
Agreed
I completely agree. But not everyone understands responsibility I guess. I just wonder what about if I were not here ? The live in baby sitter gone ? They'd prob miraculously live with mom.
What are YOU getting out of
What are YOU getting out of this relationship? Seems like your future husband is the only one that is getting benefit from the partnership...well, except it isn't much of a partnership.
Lopsided relationships like this rarely remain intact....and why would they?
I think you should re-evaluate if this is the right relationship for you and your kids.
Lopsided
Lopsided is the perfect visual for this. The fact that he deflects with feelings of him "not doing enough" and "what else should he do" and "can't make her be a mom" just all sounds like NOT MY PROBLEM. I am sick of being aggravated at all times in my own home.
Oh, and I get basically
Oh, and I get basically nothing out of this! Hardly even a moment of peace and quiet.
Yeah, you are being used for
Yeah, you are being used for built-in nanny, by both your fiance and BM. Set some hard boundaries now. DH needs to get a day job (or whatever shift works best for your family). You will no longer take over for things BM or DH need to do. If they can't do it, it won't get done. If BM can't keep them for the weekend, you will not care for them, DH can set up a babysitter or get his parents or BM's to help out. Take your son and daughter and go away for the weekend if you need to, to make a point.
Lots of men find a GF and wife and dump all the parenting on her. You can change that dynamic, it's been done, if you aren't ready to leave, but it will cause a lot of conflict, so be prepared.
Dynamic change IS tough
So I have tried numerous times to set boundaries. Share my feelings regarding the matters. But it never really
makes an impact unless I do leave. I feel that if I am getting away for the weekend then why not just always? Ready to just let him know this is not for me and see how things pan out. Disengaging and splitting up will be a major challenge at his point but needless to say I am no less than independent. Any tips on how to set boundaries before moving to the ultimate?
Boundaries have to be
Boundaries have to be enforced. So if you set a boundary and he violates it, you have to do something in response. Sharing your feelings isn't setting a boundary.
You say, DH, if BM can't watch the kids on her weekend, I will no longer do it for her. DH argues with you. You repeat, if she can't watch them on her weekend, I will no longer do it for her. You can take time off from work and do it, or set up other child care, but I will not be that child care.
Then when BM asks, you say no. If she tries to drop them off, you don't answer the door. If DH insists, you say no. If she drops them in your front yard, call the police and say the children have been abandoned at your home. If they are already at your home, leave for the weekend so DH has to take time off to watch them. Etc. Obviously, DH will blow his top, but maybe he will realize you are serious. Though personally, I'd have a hard time being married to a man who expected me to be his nanny.
Time for a new visitation
Time for a new visitation schedule. Either EOW or EOWE. No more letting BM be in control.