The basics 101
Hi all,
I'm 44 divorced male. Currently engaged to a 46yo female with a 14yo daughter. We've been together for 2 years, lived together for about 15 months. I'm really struggling here.
My stepdaughter is extremely challenging to deal with. Her level of disrespectfulness is beyond anything I've witnessed in a child. She treats and speaks to me like dirt. She treats and speaks to her mother like dirt. Theres never any accountability or consequences for it. Her mom chalks it up to "normal teenage behavior."
My ex wife had 3 kids (2 of whom were girls) and never EVER did any of those stepchildren (who I still have a positive relationship with 5 years post divorce) display the types of behavior this one does. My fiance pleads for me to have patience, but the same behavior demonstrated 2 years ago still gets displayed as recently as this past weekend and last night. Its constant. When I speak up to address these crap behaviors its like the child's behavior falls to the wayside and my inability to understand this "normal teen behavior" comes into focus. Just a couple recent examples:
1) The child (in front of 2 sleepover guests she had) starting speaking inappropriately. Her mother confronted her and asked her to stop. Child continued. Mom said "if you dont stop, dont think i won't bring everyone home and shut your phone off." Kid replies (which is very typical) "Whatever brush, you just go ahead and do you bruh." Mom says nothing. Does nothing. Empty threat. Kid pushes. Mom backs down. I step in "thats really inappropriate and won't be tolerated." I got yelled at from mom. I was told "I got this, now let it go." Thais happens all the time. Mom always has "a talk" with the kid, but the behavior never ends. Theres always multiple warnings and empty threats.
2) I became infuriated to come home one day just before school started this year to a disaster of a kitchen. Food trash on counter, on floor. Oven lefr on. Sink full of dishes (that was empty when I left that morning) and an alarm system that said there had been zero entries and exits through the day. We have 2 dogs which she is supposed to take out. She told her mother she had been taking them out. That was a lie. I called her mother to let her know that the dogs had not been taken out and the kitchen was a mess and the focus switched to me not being able to wait until after work to call her about this and no further mention was made by mom about the kid leaving a mess or lying about not taking care of her responsibilities.
3) This weekend the daughter told her mom "girl, aint nobody asked you" when mom made a comment to a 9 year old nephew that he shouldnt be talking to strangers in a chat room. Mom said "dont speak to me that way." Daughter replies "shut your mouth before I slap it." I speak up and of moms "talks" to daughter. Nothing else. Behavior continues all thru the day and into the night. No accountability, no consequences. On Monday morning I addressed how i was still upset about the behavior and nothing was done. Behavior was once again swept under carpet and the focus became "really, youre still stewing over this from yesterday? This is your problem, you never let anything go." Its not that I don't let things go...its that there is never closure. Theres never a reckoning for the behavior.
Theres constant empty threats from mom and constant contempt/disrespectfulness from the kid. I feel completely unheard. I feel completely dismissed. I mean, a couple months ago the kid said something very rude. I demanded an apology. Fiance said she wouldn't make the child apologize. "Why should she have to apologize in her own home (which is MY HOUSE that I invited them to live in btw)." The same response was given when i asked about the lack of "please/thank you" manners that are non existent. We're in counseling (just fiance and I) but im fit to check out. After typing it all....i can see im just as disgusted with mom (who blames all of kids behavior on ex hubby) as I am with the kid.
Oh...lol. i guess my question
Oh...lol. i guess my question is what exactly is disengaging (because when the kid isn't around mom and I do pretty good) and how/where do I begin.
Where's the father in all
Where's the father in all this? How often does he have visitation?
He's in the picture. Not a
He's in the picture. Not a bad guy at all. He used to see her alot more often when they lived closer (but now they're about an hour away since they moved in with me). She actually likes to blame him as being the cause of her behavior. Im told that she is free to do as she pleases when with him. I've never really seen her and her dad interact in terms of her acting out in front of him. My fiance has called him a couple times when the daughter has been out of control and he seemed to level the kid out a bit.
Disengage from this whole
Disengage from this whole relationship...your GF is the problem, she doesn't parent her daughter and worse than that she undermines you in front of her daughter. A large part of relationships are respect for one another, nowhere in your post have you shown that your GF respects you.
Yes I'm sorry but your gf
Yes I'm sorry but your gf lackluster parenting will eventually chip away at the perfect vision you have of her as a partner. Can you imagine your SD never launching and you having to live your life with a disrespect adult who contributes nothing to the household.
I'm on the verge. I told her
I'm on the verge. I told her today after the kids most recent outburst that im worried it will always be this way. I told her I feel really unloved because you let her treat me (and yourself) like crap and there is never a accountability or consequence. Never. Just a "talking to" that does nothing because the behavior persists. Then another talking to. Behavior persists. Another talking to....endless cycle. We have therapy tonight and im gonna reiterate what I told her today. Oh...she did speak to the child and make her accountable. The daughter apologized last night for her behavior on Sunday. Thats the second time in 2 years the kid ever apologized. Ive been called (right to my face and in front of fiances) "stupid. Fat. Ugly. Dumb. Retard." I think I really need to out in some work to figure out why I haven't pulled the plug on all this already. I admit, im afraid of being alone even though I know I wouldn't be. I've never had a problem meeting women. I have some self esteem issues that really need hard put in.
Oh man your wife is fiancee
Oh man your wife is fiancee is a lazy parent and she won't let you fill the void. I picture your SD as one of the guests on Maury, just like that "cash me outside howboutdah" girl!
I would be worried about your SD doing drugs and hanging out with boys. A kid with that kind of attitude is not going to make good choices or listen when she's told she's making mistakes.i hope to God she is on birth control.
It's too late to undo the damage, at this point you just need to minimize its impact on you. Keep finances separate, it's not too late for a prenup, have a plan for her to launch when the time comes, if she does ok in school (I somehow doubt it) then what kind of education will she have after high school... These kinds of plans. If you don't make and stick to these plans then in no time you're going to be responsible for 3 generations of irresponsible bitches.
Omg yes, Danielle Bregoli i
Omg yes, Danielle Bregoli i think was her name, from the Dr. Phil show. Short of some type of boot camp program, this situation may be beyond repair. The mom has to first admit there is a problem and accept that she can't handle the girl on her own, then ask for help, and accept that help. If she doesn't, there is nothing a stepparent can do besides make sure the behavior doesn't affect them. The girl will learn she can't mess with the stepfather if he doesn't allow disrespect, but she will still likely turn out bad and not launch. If mom undermines him, that's a lost cause.
What about this failed woman,
What about this failed woman, failed mother, and failed partner is so appealing to you?
You are right, none of this is appropriate teen behavior, and none of it should be tolerated. Particularly your DF's spineless bullshit with her rude, nasty, spiteful POS failed family behaviorally and character polluted progeny.
DF is gaslighting you by attempting to deflect her total abject failure as a woman, mother, and partner, and her daughters complete lack of class or manners, onto you by creating the fantasy that your the problem rather than she and her hell spawned pelvic sputum being the problem.
Your home, you inform them both in front of each other that one more instance of behavioral crap from the pelvic pollution or failure of DF to to come down on her hell spawn like a ton of shit in a one pound bag will result in their immediate and permanent eviction from your home. DF and the spawn need to know with absolute clarity that it is not their home, it is your home, and their presence is at your convenience and only your convenience.
Boot them.
Enjoy your new life free of that multigenerational shallow and polluted gene pool.
Thats really harsh, but I get
Thats really harsh, but I get the sentiment. We have therapy tonight and ill be bringing this stuff up.
Whats appealing, well...she was extraordinarily kind and thoughtful for a while. It seemed like as soon as she moved in with me things shifted. The sex went from 4-5 times a weekend to maybe twice a month. There seemed to be alot of criticism. Like, im a hard worker. An hour commute each way and still do more than my fair share of shit around the house. By criticism I mean...like I make dinner prob 4 nights a week because I'm home first. She and the kid walk in the door and before I hear "ooh smells/looks good! Thanks!" I get "Why would you out yellow cheese and not white cheese on that." Or after I run a couple loads of laundry instead of "hey thanks for doing that babe" its "I just went to throw the last load in, why do you always put the detergent bottle (the kind with the spout on it) back on the shelf in the wrong position?"
I mentioned it in other replies here...i obviously have a self esteem issue if in allowing this to happen. I know i deserve better, but theres fear. They both have redeeming and endearing qualities, dont get me wrong...but this being the standard of living is really heavy. I prob already answered my own questions...I've said to myself "my lady needs a dude who doesnt give a flying F about what her kid does and it totally fine with missionary sex once every 20 days or so." That ain't me.
Agree
Sorry, OP, that you are having to go through all this BS. Im certaint that your DF has some good points, and how nice that things are good, when kiddo is absent, HOWEVER, you have the right to a good, peaceful life in your own home ALL the time.
Everyone else said it so eloquently, Ill add my particular flavor to the mix.
Dude, and I mean that respectfully, you can do SO MUCH BETTER!!!!
Yikes. When you are having your words twisted, when she allows you to be demeaned and diminished by her child, when she gets irritated with you for calling her at work regarding this childs lies and dirtyness, when she runs away from you in the middle of important disccussions - I believe that is an indication of narcissism. And you cannot win with those. Sure you can go to all the therapy you want, it will not fix this problem. She doesnt want any changes. Shes doesnt think that anything is wrong. She probably believes her own twisted version of everything being your fault and your problem. If you told her "hunny the sky is such a nice shade of blue today", she would probably say "you hate my child, I just know it". Shes been programming herself to truly believe this lie, so EVERYTHING you say, no matter how calm and detached, will come down to that.
So, you can disengage all you want to, but consider this: it will continue to get worse and worser over time. This happened to my SDnow21, Feral Forger. I met her when she was 15. She started screaming fights with her father almost every morning she was with us. She would leave messes in the kitchen, take food in her room and not return dishes, and they would mold. Laundry? Oh that was used as carpeting her basically trashed room. Attitude? Oh yes. Calling her dad names like fat? Oh yes. "daddy you look pregnant! hee hee". Called me names too, one night during an argument. Now Im just the "stupid wife". Not very original.
SO. NOW, SD21 Feral Forger, who still doesnt drive, no license, and no job, drifts between wherever, and sometimes stops at her mother, Toxic Trolls knarly apartment, and trashes the place. Has stolen checks and cashed them against multiple bank accounts. Mooches off friends...THAT will be your future should you choose to stay in this relationship.
Thanks for taking the time to
Thanks for taking the time to throw advice and experience my way folks. I appreciate it. Therapy (couples) tonight. We'll see how it goes.
'Tis better to be alone than
'Tis better to be alone than in bad company.
OP, could you possibly find worse than what you have?
Semper fi, my friend.
Semper fi, my friend.
Sounds to me like you're settling for the devil you know, rather than risking a devil you don't know. I'm sure your DF has some lovely qualities, but you are unhappy for a reason and, as others have pointed out, it will likely get worse, not better. Imagine a disrespectful and lazy adult living with you. Intollerable, at least for me.
Have you considered, in addition to couples therapy, engaging in individual therapy? That might help you identify your own boundaries and deal breakers, and come up wiht a plan to address them. You don't need to continue to roll this boulder uphill.
You owe yourself peace in your home.
ct1976,
I understand that at some point there was something about your SO that was appealing and even her hell spawn may have the occassional glimmer of nonnausiating behavior.
The balance sheet on each of them just does not add up as your SO being worthy of you. Her nasty daughter does not rate at all.
Take care of you.
Thank you for your service.
I really feel for you. This
I really feel for you. This doesn't sound like a good situation for you as the parents won't step up and actually parent, which will make disengaging impractical, unless you lived seperately. I would defintely call off the engagement and ask her and SD to move out. You can continue working through therapy but you need to take care of yourself first. If your fiance is unable to establish authority over her child then you should really consider ending the relationship altogether.
You sound like a decent and caring man, and deserve much better than this. Thank you for your service!
You said
That your gf changed after moving in. You long for how things were great before she moved in.
She may be a narcissist or other personality disorder. These ppl move fast n give you a fantasy at first. When they "got you" their mask comes off. Yet we put up with disrespect and abuse because we pine for the way things were so great at first.
The abuse cycle... love bomb, peace, tension, abuse and repeat. We stay in the abuse because the good times are so good. But abuse isn't part of a healthy relationship. Call the National domestic abuse hotline...they will validate if you are being abused.
If you are being abused, get out! Abusers rarely stop abusing because they love the benefits of abuse.
Thank you for serving our country!! Please go enjoy the peace n freedom of a happy life in a country you defended. You don't need to be in a war in your own home. Abuse will only add to your ptsd and prevent you from healing. You deserve healing n peace.
I read recently that love does not disrupt peace. Trying to apply that in my own situation.
We all fall for an abuser's charms until we learn to see and run from red flags shown while dating. No one teaches us about these ppl.
Dangerous Personalities is a great book to learn about disordered ppl and how to recognize them. I am reading it right now.
Try separating from her n sd. See if you feel peaceful. If you do, then you know to end the toxic relationship.
Best to you! Take care of you first!!
I wouldn’t allow it.
I'm having a hard time allowing the behavior that happens in my house. I'm doing my best to do what I can do to try to have patience with my partners kids. I feel like I'm staying in someone else's house. I don't feel welcome when they're here. I constantly feel the need to tell them to get out of my space but I've been told to not "tell them what to do" or "target them". I'm constantly being told what I can and can't do in my house.
I don't know how long I can last if I keep being put in this situation. It's not fair for her to ask you to just be okay with this and leave it to her when she's obviously not handling things. It's incredibly disrespectful.
Allowing toxicity?
Why?
I am on team zero tolerance and bring the pain for toxicity. Tie behavior to consequence/results. Appropriate behavior returns a reasonably pleasant normal existance, stellar behavior returns an enjoyable elevated existance, toxic behavior returns abject misery.
Lather, rinse, repeat. Toxic behavior should never be tolerated. For any reason. By anyone. There is no justification for it regardles of who the perpetrator is and regardless of the why associated with their choice to be toxic.
The great news here is YOU'RE NOT MARRIED...the bad news is
they're in your home but that's also GOOD NEWS, because you get to dictate the rules and procedures in YOUR HOME.
1. The mother is the enabler, and refuses to find her inner parent and confront the crappy daughter she birthed.
2. The daugther will keep doing what she's been doing, only exponientially worse as time goes by, because nobody is reigning her in. Do you really want your future to look like the present on steroids? It will if you refuse to make changes.
3. DO NOT MARRY THIS PERSON. You deserve more and are a great catch for the right woman.
4. Thank you, endlessly for your service.
5. PUT YOURSELF FIRST!