Undisciplined and disrespectful stepsons and completely non-confrontational wife
:?
Hello all! I cannot believe there is a forum for this! Thank you!!
Quick background - been remarried nearly 4 years. Went through horrible divorce, job loss (out for 11 months), grandma passing all about 6 years ago. Meet my now wife going through a similar situation. We talk, hang out and learn to trust and love again. Never felt better.
Present day - She continues to allow her ex to belittle, demean, call her names (you should here what he calls me) all in front of her boys. He calls nearly every morning the boys are hear to make sure she has lunches for them and that they are ready and to continue controlling things. AND she talks to me and says explains everything about what she doing. She listens to him and says ok, ok.
Well her oldest will do the same thing to her and she responds exactly the same way! I cannot take it!!
I have 2 house rules, 1) respect - others and their property & 2) pick up after yourself!
I work from home and come up after work yesterday, her boys have trashed the place and she is sitting there eating a bowl of cereal before they leave for football practice. I stop right there and ask them to pick up their mess on the counters, in the living room, etc. One doesn't move, one starts giving me lip and she sits not saying a word. Then I'm the bad guy always telling them what to do!! I'm the same guy who hears the bitching and complaining from her about how she's always picking up the house and I'm always barking orders about every little thing!
I am not asking them to mop the floors, I'm asking them to pick up their own stuff and put it away, that is all!
This morning - I'm shaving back in our room and I hear her oldest and youngest going on and on about shoes for school, finally she chimes in calmly, and her oldest tells her she doesn't know what she's talking about, in a major condescending and disrespectful tone. So after 10 minutes of listening to this I finally come out and tell the oldest to let it go. If the youngest messes up his shoes its on him. And to focus on himself and not to worry about the youngest. I walk away and here him make some snide comment, but couldn't tell what. So I ask him, what was that. No reply. Then she yells at me!! I have it under control!!
Excuse me, I just heard your 11 year old talk to you exactly how his father does and you had nothing under control!
And now I'm once again the bad guy with all the rules!! WHAT?! It's Rule #1 RESPECT, same old rule.
I'm at a loss. And don't get me started on bedtime and where they sleep!!
Whew - thanks for letting me vent!
Sometimes we all need to
Sometimes we all need to vent.
You've got a couple things going on, and I think you need to separate them. One is how the boys treat YOU, and your house. The other is how they treat their mom. Now, if you and DW (Dear Wife) were on the same page you could tackle those together, but obviously you're not. DW doesn't want you "interfering" in her relationship with her sons. Fair enough (if hard to listen to) and you have to respect her decision.
BUT. That does NOT mean you are a doormat. So tell your wife that when it comes to her interactions with the boys, she's on her own unless she asks you to help. But when it comes to YOUR interactions with the boys, you will deal with them as YOU see fit. If that is not acceptable to her, then she better get them under control.
Ultimately what that means for you is that you will not tolerate any disrespect towards YOU. That bit with the back talk and eye rolling? Internet / cell phone / electronics are gone for the day. (Even if you have to pack it up and take it to work with you.) Stuff left on the floor of your home? Toss it in a garbage bag (preferably one with coffee grounds and other crap in it) and if they want it back the first time they can dig through the trash. The second time it happens it's just gone for good. They will learn quickly.
Yelling isn't doing it though - you're going to have to take action. But again, ONLY when things directly affect you. Otherwise you're going to have to learn to ignore them, because your wife has already told you she doesn't want your help there.
Flabbergasted but shit
Flabbergasted but shit happens !!
Your DW has beaten dog syndrome ~ she is do used to being treated like shit ~ she just takes it. She takes it and swallows it to avoid confrontation. She needs therapy to raise her self esteem and self worth. That's her issue n if she wants to change how people treat her.
You are entitled to have your rules n expectations respect by these boys. There Daddy doesn't live in this home ~ it's your home with your wife and they live in your house. Id tell those little pricks ~ you will show respect for your mother in our home.
Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for your time and replies, I truly appreciate it.
Well, she seems able to stand
Well, she seems able to stand up to OP. To me, the worst problem of all is her ignoring him placidly eating her cereal when he was making statements that required reaction. SHE was treating HIM with contempt.
OP, take control of your life. And certainly take control of these kids. At 11, you still have a chance. No adult needs to allow himself to be treated like that by a kid and no spouse should be treated like that by the other spouse and no homeowner should be treated like that by some creep at the door. I don't care if you're not the parent. Just a put a stop to it. Deal with your wife behind closed doors. No more bickering in front of kids, it's like handing them a loaded gun. Plus it's unpleasant and you just don't want that in your life, especially not your home.
"We teach people how to treat us" -- start teaching your wife, your stepsons, and the other dad right now.
Belt applied to lippy teen
Belt applied to lippy teen ass... end of problem. Each and ever time light that ass up. Inform XH that every time he calls to give your bride lip he will be recorded and harrassment charges will be filed and an RO will be pursued.
Then limber up your belt forearm stroke and hone your harrassment charge filing pen and do it.
Each and every time. Tell your bride that how people treat your bride is not her choice, it is yours and if she will not have the self respect to directly deal with how others treat her that you have no problem addressing them treating your bride with disrespect adn will deal with it in the most direct and unpleasatn way possible for those who disrespect YOUR bride.
IMHO of course.
Light 'em up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You hit a child with a belt,
You hit a child with a belt, and you're going to go to jail especially a stepchild would would love to see their stepparent in jail.
In the US only in Delaware is
In the US only in Delaware is it illegal to spank a child that you have enloco parentis responsibility for. Corporal punishment is proven to be an effective child disciplinary method for the entire course of human history. Why rule it out?
Check out your state laws here:
http://kidjacked.com/legal/spanking_law.asp
Spanking with your hand. If
Spanking with your hand. If you use an object, your are asking to for CPS to be at your door. I work for the local school district and am mandated reporter. If I heard about a student being hit with a belt, I am required to call CPS.
In our school district last year, a mom hit her son with a tv remote and he was pulled out of class and placed in foster care. CPS here doesn't fool around if physical abuse is involved. Neglect is another story.
Works for me. Build up those
Works for me. Build up those calouses and light Skid ass up with your hand then rather than using a tool.