Update vent
So I guess it was a week of "clicking" for me- I saw things in a different light and was feeling pretty good when SSs6 went back with their mother last night. DS6 and DD5 had gone with their dad so DH and I even got a "date night" out of it- a good thing because he camped out with the boys Sunday night while DD and I had a sleepover (not enough room in the tent for all of us)...boy does that girl kick in her sleep! Not the best night's sleep ever...anyway...
I figured something important out about myself. Nutshell history is that I used to be very close with SSs6, before DH and I officially got together and BM began her campaign of hatred, spite and CRAZY against DH and me. They were not permitted to see me or my children for about a year (DH acquiesced because of scary custodial stuff- he was afraid he could lose his kids if he didn't comply) and when we all got together again, there was a distance between SSs6 and me that hadn't been there before. She had been practicing regular PAS and SMAS- stepmom alienation syndrome- things like they couldn't kiss me, they couldn't ever tell me they loved me, etc....etc.....
SO, fast forward. I realized this past weekend that I have clearly different feelings about other people's kids than about my own. If there is a kid here for a playdate who lacks manners, does not pick up after him/herself, is careless with our things (toys, furniture, etc....) I cannot WAIT for that child to go home. Yet, with DS and DD, who are after all children and therefore make mistakes regularly, I have the patience to teach them why these things are important and to help them learn. But I have been relating to SSs as someone else's kids, and have been getting increasingly impatient with them. I realized that the key lies within my mind. I cannot control what their horrendous hate-filled BM does. I can control how I view them- and that is, as connected to me, as my (step)kids. So, that learned, we had a wonderful weekend all together! And we even accomplished something we'd put off for a while- finding appropriate SM and SF names so that each time we address the kids as a group we don't have to list the different names that our bio and step children call us. And, a special name felt more loving than first names. (In days gone by the twins had called me "Mama MJL"- their parents are not American and I think it's a cultural thing where they're from- but with BM going off the deep end they have just called me "MJL" up til this past weekend.) Anyway, we did the whole family talk and had begun preparing them for the "renaming" several weeks ago. I spoke about how their "belly mom", whose belly they grew in, loves them more than anything in the whole world and though they didn't grow in my belly, I love them and am another mother to them- their stepmother- and I said the same thing about DH and my kids' dad to my kids. Then they all came up with the new names. It was decided that my children would call DH "Papa (his name)" and SSs came up with "Mommy or Mama MJL (initial)" for me.
We told them that it was going to take work to change what they call us, so we would work to remind each other. Every time they called me that for the rest of the weekend, it would feel warm and I would light up. I knew we had found the right names. And things that I had been getting really annoyed with them about didn't seem to matter as much. I had a niggling that the sh!t might hit the fan when they went back to BM- though I had this fantasy that they are smart enough now to know her 'buttons' and to not want to push them- and thought that maybe they wouldn't tell her....
So this morning when we got up and found five texts on DH's phone, one of which said that the boys had told her that if they didn't call me the new name, they were sent to their room (which is not only a lie but a really far-out-there lie, as "punishment" for forgetting to call us the new names would never have been even thought of, much less discussed!)......
I guess my story is turning to a question. Would six-year-olds say such a thing for pure drama, manipulation, to hurt me? These boys have known me for years and I do think they love me. I am not sure what to feel. Feeling healthy SM love for DH's boys feels one heck of a lot better than the stuff I've been feeling lately, and I don't want to go back to feeling upset and angry with them. But I am disappointed!!!
I do not think Mom or Dad
I do not think Mom or Dad whatever should be used by Non-Bios. My SK's call me by my first name. I am not their mom and I do not have the right to use that name. I would be livid if my son called someone else mom. You diminished her status and she is mad.
My DH even has it in their DD that no one can be called mom or dad but the Bios.
Sorry but I think you and your husband are wrong on this one. Find another name.
Thank you for your reply,
Thank you for your reply, Jsmom. I find it interesting how some BMs really get upset about this and some, like me, do not- a name is a name- and no matter what they call me, their BM will always be their BM....their BF will always be their BF, even if psycho remarries- nothing will ever be able to change that wiring because it is primal. Should my kids' BF remarry, and my kids call his new wife some version of "Mom" with her name included in it- not plain "Mommy"- but something to indicate that she is a kind of mom to them when they are with her- I do not anticipate being upset about it. I know that my children will not be confused about who their mom is.
I have a cousin who calls his BM "L-mom" and his stepmom "K-mom"- and it is perfect for their family.
That said, I respect your concern over this issue. I guess it is a hot topic in our world of step- and bio- parenting. I do not, however, believe that we have overstepped, as the kids came up with these names, and I do believe that for them to call DH and me something other than clinical cold first name, after they called me "Mama MJL"- which BM and BF (now my DH) called me for years- is only for the good of all when they are at our house (which is their house for fifty percent of the time).
Maybe I wasn't clear enough,
Maybe I wasn't clear enough, rereading my OP. My stepkids call most of the mothers in their lives by "Mama ________"- mothers of their friends at school, their mom's friends.....so the fact that they were reduced, by BM, to calling my *only* by my first name, after they had called me "Mama MJL" for years, drives a wedge. That they called me *only* MJL, at the same time they are referring to women they barely know as "Mama Jen", "Mama Heather", etc....has added to their discomfort, all created out of spite by BM....and this renaming is only a positive thing. This name doesn't diminish her status at all, because she calls all adult females in their lives "Mama (Whoever)". It does, I guess, go against her vilification of me, her PAS/SMAS, her desire to control the situation though.
Purplecrocuses, no- it is
Purplecrocuses, no- it is part of *her* culture.....so therefore, she thinks that her kids should be addressing all other women in their lives as "Mama So-and-So" but that they should address me, their stepmother, with *just* my first name.
That is spite and control, pure and simple. I have told her time and time again that I do not wish to "take her place" and that no one ever could- she is their mother. This is also common language in our blended family, with the kids- we speak of SSs' BM and my kids' BF respectfully as their mother and father.....but we tell them how lucky they are that they have another mother and father in their SM and SF....
Obviously she is upset by it
Obviously she is upset by it and you should respect that. These kids are young enough to be retrained to call you something other than mommy whatever.
I still think despite your explanation that this is wrong. Respect her feelings on this one and it will go a long way in your future dealings.
I disagree that a name doesn't mean anything. It does, it is part of our culture that your name is who you are. This is why some women keep their names. It is their identity and this is BM identity. Not yours, this is one of the reasons that some people have issues with Stepmoms overstepping their relationship with their stepkids.
Well, I am a SM and a BM. My
Well, I am a SM and a BM. My DD is 6 yrs old, almost 7...She loves my DH, she really does BUT if given the oppurtunity to push his buttons or mine, she will. She will tell me one thing, then tell him another just to get him going or to spark an argument in an attempt to force DH and me to pick a side. The kids might love you but doesn't mean they won't try to manipulate the situation if they think that they can. Maybe the BM took them for ice cream to make up for the "awful" weekend or something...who knows but kids in this situations can be very devious. My SS is only 4 and he already knows how to get his mom/dad going by telling stories.
Ah- we have had resolution.
Ah- we have had resolution. DH spoke with her, about other issues but it came round to this one. It turns out that BM (as only makes sense, considering that she has them call every other female they know "Mama (So-and-so)" is ok with them calling me this....AND that they did not say that they were sent to their rooms for forgetting to call me the new name. Also, SSa told her in their conversation that he was the one who thought of it! AND, (as also makes sense) she would simply prefer that when they speak to her about me, they call me by my first name. Understandable. I love moments of BM lucidity!!!