vacations and being unincluded
Hi everyone! I'm new here. So here's my background. Ive been with my bf for 3 years. He has a 4 1/2 year old son and I have a 9 and 13 year old sons. We moved in together a year ago. Now I have a few concerns and was hoping to get some insight. Anything would be appreciated.
My 13 year old lives with us, my 9 year old stays with my exhusband. I get him every other weekend. BF has unlimited visitation with his son. He's lucky that his exwife lets him do this and he gets to spend alot of time with him. On every given week, he has his son M, T, Th and every other weekend. Tues(and sometimes monday and of course every other weekend he stays the night at the house) The days (except wed) that he's not at the house with us my bf is spending one on one time and takes him back to his BM house. He gets home on those days around 8pm.
---ok----if I haven't lost you yet.
The days that he does have his son at the house, My son and I are ignored. BF runs ragged (in a disneyland dad way) by bike riding, daily ice cream, playing one on one. Everything they do has to be top-of-the-line and all out. We aren't included but asked if we want to come along and do 4 year old activities a quarter of the time. The 13 year old is never asked by bf what he might like to do. Every day is planned out to cater completely to the 4 y/o with no consideration to the 13 y/o, 9 y/o or myself.
We do have our family camp outs we do all together, but again it feels divided even then with the majority of his time focused on his son and not the other boys. I see it like this. There isn't "his" kid and "my" kids. To me, they are kids and should be treated equally. That's not the case.
Then I got an email from him today telling me what his plans are for the next week. He's planning week long vacation excursions with his son. Ok-If it's a few days I don't mind. But all week? He said he'd spend a few days at a amusement park and then a few days doing something local. My dillemma is
1.) the only day bf and I get quality time is on Wed after we both get out of work. I was told that I'm not going to get it because he reserved the week for his son and his son only. I miss him alot and our time to me is precious. I make sacrifices at our expense all the time so he can better benefit from being around his son. (even on an off weekend when BM calls and has something going on and has him come get his son)
2.) My 13 y/o is sitting at the house on summer vacation and bf unincluded him as well from even one day of spending time with 4y/o and bf.
3.) this isn't the first time he's decided to go on some trips/excursions with his son only and deliberatly uninvite us.
He has never really went out of his way to bond with my boys. I think it would be benficial for him to spend some time with the 13 y/o in order to bond. He doesn't see it that way. I have however spend many days following them around and participating in the 4 y/o activities. But often felt invisible and interferring so I have backed off. And the 13 y/o doesn't get much enjoyment out of a park with slide and swings anymore.
I feel torn because I like spending time with his 4 y/o but it feels as though the 4 y/o doesn't want anyone else but his father. It's great that bf spends time with his boy but at what point do you stop playing favorites and blend the family entirely? I'm afraid that all this one on one time with him and his son is going to teach his son that no one else means anything. One on one time with the BP is a great thing. But when it happens almost on a daily basis how should I approach and react? I've tried talking to him about this and he replies that I'm trying to come between him and his son. That is not my intentions at all. My intentions are to be a family together. It feels like it's being ripped out my heart and he doesn't want to even consider anyone elses feelings. Thanks for listening.
The favoratism is
The favoratism is unacceptable if you two are to be a blended family. It is unfair to you and your children. Talking to him seems to be your only option, other than leaving that is. It isn't fair for him to not include your children. Your household should not revolve around him and his son, while your children get left behind. In this situation you need to put your children and yourself first, and think of your happiness if he wont.
Let me clarify. On the every
Let me clarify. On the every other weekend when all the boys are home, we do try to do everything together at least one of those days on the weekend.
OMG. I am having almost
OMG. I am having almost exactly the same issue with my partner, except his girls are 15 and 18. Me and my kids 16,17 get excluded from everything they do together.
He doesnt think there is anything wrong with wanting to spend time alone with his girls. Well, neither do I, but I did not start living with this man so that he could do things alone with his kids and I could do things alone with mine.
His girls dont like me, but I think that maybe finding things to do (like amusement parks) gets everyone away from anybodys "territory" and that it would be a really unthreatening way to maybe spend a fun day together where they can see that Im not the ogre that they think I am.
The more he allows the girls to alienate me from them - I dont see anything ever improving.
I know how you feel.
Wow. You are in the same
Wow. You are in the same situation. It's hard to deal with but in a way feels good that I'm not alone. I also did not move in with him to watch him be a parent by himself. I can be a single parent on my own without him in the picture.
The Disneyland dad comment
The Disneyland dad comment cracked me up! That is my partner exactly!
lunch
mini golf
go carting
movie
dinner
hockey game
ice cream
Why dont you squeeze something else in there too??
So of course, the day usually costs about 250 bucks too.
Ughhhh.
To me, he should plan things
To me, he should plan things just as if all the kids are yours together. Yes, some one on one time is fine but it should be the minority not the majority. That's my opinion. You are living separate lives together, like roommates.
I totally
I totally agree.....unfortunately, unless its their dads birthday or some holiday occasion they refuse to do anything that involves me. I think there has to come a time when he says 'enough is enough'.
I think its important to spend time with them alone, but I also think its important for all of us to spend time together and for him to try to promote some quality "together" time instead of letting them have all the control all the time. I just think it sends them a clear message that they are still driving the bus.
Am I making any sense at all?
I'm afraid that my sons will
I'm afraid that my sons will develop a resentment towards his son because of all the special treatment. I asked him to comprmise. I asked him maybe if he could take 13 yo with him on one of the day trips sometime next week. He replied no because that's him and his sons time. It breaks my heart. I asked him how he thought my son would feel once he hears they are going on vacation and he's left to sit here all day while I'm working. His reply to that was he thinks 13 yo will think its ok since he takes all of us camping here n there. He also said I'm completely off base on this one
That drives me insane because it's to the point he does not consider me or my children when making any decisions like this. He also told me that this is how it's going to be and if I don't like it I can bide my time and find my own place. That to me is a slap in the face because we should be working together to find a solution or comprimise. I think that is looking more appealing to me now. He's just shown me once again that only his feelings count. No one elses. Thank you for the insight everyone. :?