Vacations - Then and Now
My DH started talking about our upcoming summer beach trip, and it obviously tickled him to death to think of taking all our boys (my two sons and his three sons - all under the age of ten) to the beach for a week.
I did my best to look and sound as excited as he did, but inside all I felt was dread. I HATE family vacations now.
I was a single mom for five years, and I really looked forward to going on vacation with them. We never did anything expensive or lavish, but we'd go stay at the beach for a week with my mom every year, and it was always a lot of fun.
Now we have my three stepsons added into the mix, and it screws everything up. They're not deliberately messing up anything; it's just the way they are. They whine, tattle-tale, complain, leave messes EVERYWHERE they go, can't do anything for themselves, and are just a pain in the ass all the way around. About all I have to look forward to is a week of drama and "Do this for me" and "Do that for me" and "Go get me this" and a house that's trashed beyond belief. Going anywhere with them is a freaking nightmare.
I knew things would change after I got married, but I truly had no idea how needy, whiny, and messy they were before DH and I got married. I guess I'm stuck with it now, and it makes me sad to think that my vacations with my boys from now on won't be anything like they used to be. Now there's just drama and skids trying to order me around for seven days straight, with no break and no real enjoyment to be had by anyone but the skids (and hopefully my own, if they can go five minutes without one of the skids either breaking one of their toys or tattling on them for looking at a skid the wrong way or doing any other stupid thing to make them run and tell).
If only it were possible for us to take separate vacations! Is it wrong to want such a thing? Probably so, but I'm going to be SO glad to get back to work the following Monday morning just to get the hell away from them!
Awe, that's really too bad
Awe, that's really too bad your happy time will be tainted
I feel for you - we have "fun killers" too... To the point that I don't want to take them with us anywhere either... Yours are still so young, that I don't know how you could ever get around it. Maybe book 2 or 3 little breaks just for you? A manicure/pedicure/massage maybe?
There is some hope, as your kids start to develop their own interests - for example, my son is big into sports, so there are opportunities for just the two of us to get away for a day or two on a sports related trip. I don't think that I would try to go on a cruise just the two of us LOL but it makes sense if we're just doing something that only he's interested in.
How much vacation time do you
How much vacation time do you get each year?
There's nothing wrong with doing a joint trip and one with just you and your boys.
I get about two weeks of
I get about two weeks of vacation per year, but I end up using up at least a week of it on snow days or sick kids. (I don't have time to get sick!) My kids' father would laugh in my face if I asked him to take care of them. Ain't gonna happen, trust me.
My DH is so against us doing anything separately. He seems to think that all seven of us have to be joined at the hip at all times when there's any fun to be had. It's sweet in a way, and I know where it comes from. He comes from, quite possibly, the most perfect, happy family I've ever seen. He can't imagine even THINKING about doing things separately. Having grown up in Dysfunctional Family Hell, I can't even relate to how happy his parents are together, and how well he gets along with them and his two siblings. It's like something straight out of Leave It To Beaver. It almost irritates me to see how well they all get along, but I know that's MY jealousy, not the situation.
DH is against us doing things separately, but I've talked to him several times about it. My family did almost nothing together. Shoot, we didn't even eat dinner together very often. To me, it's normal to do things separately. It gives me more time and the ability to focus on my own kids, which is still very important to me. I don't want to try to carry on a conversation with one of my boys with 2-3 of his kids prattling on in my ear about whatever stupid thing they want to use to interrupt us with. (My skids LOVE to do that, I've noticed. They can't stand to see me giving attention to my own kids and will do anything and everything to interrupt it.)
I do make an effort to go out and do things with my boys when the skids aren't there, but it doesn't happen as often as I'd like. Maybe that'll change when they get older.
My DH isn't lazy when it
My DH isn't lazy when it comes to his kids, which I'm grateful for, because if he were, this marriage wouldn't have lasted a week! I've already been a custodial SM to three kids (with my ex-husband), and I'm not about to go back to the hell-on-earth of bowing and scraping and being anybody's slave. Somehow I ended up in that role with my former skids, and I REFUSE to be put there again by anybody!
DH's family may not be 100% perfect, but I've spent quite a bit of time around them, and it really does seem to be genuine. It makes me jealous because I never had that in my own home growing up. My parents were a classic case of two people staying together for the sake of the kids, even though they hated each other. Their heart was in the right place, but it wasn't what was best for my brother and me.
DH mentioned doing some surf fishing while we're at the beach, and I let out a groan before I could stop myself. Really? Surf fishing with these brats? Dear God. He has these super-expensive rods and reels and will spend the whole time yelling at the skids to not drop them in the sand because they have no idea how to take care of anything whatsoever. My 9-year-old would be fine and would take care of the rod & reel (and my four-year-old would just wander off someplace), but I'd spend the entire time running from one skid to the other, either baiting hooks, casting out, or begging them not to drop the rod & reel in the sand AGAIN. I love to fish (in fact, DH and I are going to the Outer Banks alone (!) to do some surf fishing Mother's Day weekend), but there won't be any fishing for me. One of my skids will spend the entire time complaining about being bored/cold/hungry/thirsty/itchy/tired/whatever, and the other two will follow suit shortly thereafter. I just think it'd be best to forget the fishing. It'll just end with at least one kid crying and at least one adult screaming (and if it's me, possibly crying, too).
DH has such high hopes for us to be this perfect Brady Bunch family, but the dynamics of this group just won't allow it.
I agree with you, step-thing, about taking an ungrateful kid anywhere. My middle SS is the same way. He bitches and moans about everything we do and never has any fun anywhere. I say, leave his ass at home with BM where he can bitch and moan without costing us anything. Well, I don't say it out loud, but I definitely say it in my head! }:)
We only had one kid in our
We only had one kid in our home and that was my SS so our situation was far less complex than what you deal with. My bride had a similar opinion to your DH and for many years all fun stopped while SS was on Sperm Land visitation.
I finally put my foot down on that noise. I would no longer forego vacations while SS was in Sperm Land. If we did something that he would enjoy then we could do it again later with SS if the opportunity presented itself but no longer would I not take advantage of my increasing vacation days bank and our increasing resources to take cool vacations. We started taking some very nice vacations while SS was on his summer Sperm Land visitations.
As SS got older we gave him the choice. Go on Sperm Land visitation on the weeks they stipulated or tell them when he would be there. No need to disclose why he would not arrive in Sperm Land on their stipulated dates. Summer visitation was not on set weeks. They got 5weeks as they stipulated as long as they gave us 60day written notice and SS did not miss school. We finally just started telling them the earliest and latest start date for their 5weeks in the summer. They bitched but SS got to go on some cool vacations with us and on some very nice summer school trips.
On a few occasions we also shit canned their winter visitation due to visiting members of my family internationally. We always added the missed days that we caused to their summer visitation. We would not allow SS to miss his spring break visitation with the Sperm Clan. Even though he wanted to go on spring break trips with his friends his Jr and Sr year of HS.
Not an easy issue to deal with but good luck.
Skeeter, we do take things
Skeeter, we do take things for them to do, but just like when we're at home, they always end up just fighting over it and/or breaking it so no one can play with it. It's almost like they enjoy being unhappy. I'm starting to think they do!
If nothing else, it gets them lots of attention (from their father, at least - I'm learning to walk away and ignore it).
Oh, yeah! I know that phrase
Oh, yeah! I know that phrase well! I use it a LOT!
I also have learned to stop cleaning up all their shit, and then when DH comments on how trashed the place is, I just look at it and say "Huh. Yep." I'll be damned if I'm touching it!
Wait wait wait! This sounds
Wait wait wait! This sounds like you are your own worst enemy here hun.
Let DH clean up after them. Let DH bait their hooks ect. Let DH worry about his rod and reels. Let the man parent his kids! lol.
You said that you are not going to fall into same trap here as you did with your EX. I hate to say it,,,but I think you already did.
The problem with these kids
The problem with these kids is that they're so high-maintenance and so used to adults doing everything for them, that I'd still end up working nonstop while they fished, and that's WITH DH's help! He'd be working nonstop, too! Otherwise, I'd tell him where he could put those rods!
These kids are truly amazing. I've never seen anything like it. They're 9, 8, and 7, and they carry on like toddlers. They can't do anything for themselves, and then when you ask them to, I swear they do everything they can to muck it up so you won't ask them to do it again. I'm having to detach from so many situations with them just out of a sense of self-preservation. They're learning (slowly but surely) that they need to go ask DH to help them, because the wicked SM ain't about to do it, especially when it's something that by now they damn well ought to be able to do for themselves. I have two kids of my own that I have to look after, and even my 4-year-old can do things for himself better than these monsters can.
It's not their fault, though. I do realize that. They don't know any better. Their mom does everything for them and has a royal hissy fit when anybody expects them to take care of themselves.
Still, I don't see it as my problem. I just know already that it's going to eff up my one and only week-long vacation this year.
How would u like a 20 yo bf's
How would u like a 20 yo bf's dtr whom has said on numerous occasions that she will never have any respect for me, and pulls some sort of shit every time she visits, " aw, I want to go too!" When I mentioned going on a vacation this year? Lol!!' Yeah that will happen when he'll freezes over!!! She'd like nothing better to do than have me pay for a vacation for all of us, then start shit with me any chance she got. And " dad" would not say anything. Screw that--I " disengaged". I'm going to plan a trip for me and my son. Dad can stay home and have his dtr visit with her bf and screw all over his house when he goes to work.