Why do I always feel like I'm tattling on an 8 year old??
My situation is not the norm. I live with my boyfriend, his step- granddaughter who he has guardenship over and my 2 kids. So in all , BF, SD8, BD9, BS6. SD8 has rads. If you want to know about rads go to radskids.org. the relationship with bf is great. We have both done the step family thing before. Both of us for 12 years. In his last marriage he was raisingsd8's mom and his own daughter. Both have the same mom. So we have experience in the step families and have really good communication. Since he works nights I watch his kid. That is where the problems come in. This post would be really long if I posted the information about reactive attachment disorder, so please understand we are not talking about normal kids here. My kids are pretty well adjusted. I have sole legal custody of them, and their father sees them 3 weekends a month.. I get 2nd and 5th weekend and everything in between. I have a restraining order against their father and there is zero co- parenting. But I don't have to coparent I have sole legal.
When bf is home, sd8 doesn't talk to me and will do anything to get in between us. When he isn't home, I have had to restrain her to keep her an myself safe. I have a 4 inch long bruise on my leg and a bruised hip bone from her last outburst. Bf and I work well together, I just need support on how to get past feeling like I am failing him and tattling on her. Please help
did you say, "Failing
did you say, "Failing him...?"
Seriously? His child is beating you, and you are worried that you are FAILING him??
I know. It sounds crazy. He
I know. It sounds crazy. He is really supportive and has told her if she can't control herself he will have to send her to a group home for RADs to get help before she can come back. I do worry about failing him. Even after his first divorce he raised his step kids and is now raising his step- granddaughter. He is the type of man that would make himself unhappy to make everyone else happy. And I wish I could be more of a help to him, rather than add to it all.... Someone please slap me.... I reread what I wrote and it makes no sense, but it is how I feel.
Well, after his divorce from
Well, after his divorce from his daughters mom he ended up with sole legal and physical custody. Than mom abandon her kids.. No one in her family wanted them so CPS called him. He raised his step daughter from 11 on, by blood this kid might not be his but she is his. He has all legal rights to her. His step- daughter signed rights over to him....
I've read the definition and
I've read the definition and he has a child who isn't going to get substantially better - is always going to be at arms length to anyone who wants to get close.
Like my dog who refuses to be hugged because its just not one of the things that dogs do. No I'm not comparing the kid to a dog but like the dog who just cannot accept a hug and may react with a bite this child cannot accept love or caring emotions. They're just not on their list of acceptable behavoirs.
This fellow is to be commended, too bad all of us are not as caring. But if this kid decides a knife is his next method of rejecting a hug someone may lose a eye or a life.
I think you owe it to your kids as well as yourself to get away from this kid - either the kid permanently to to an institution where there are no knives or you absent yourself from the home whenever this kid is present. Let professionals deal with this just as you let a professional pilot the aircraft you take when you fly cross-country. This is no place for amateurs.
We just started work with an
We just started work with an attachment specialist. She can heal. If she was a teenager, you would be completely right. At 8 there is hope for her. We do have plan B , which is to be together but live separately. But we both feel we must put full effort into this to prevent any further emotional issues with all 3 kids. My kids love my bf but my son hates her, my daughter loves her. So it is a mess....
Your getting beat!!! She's
:jawdrop:
Your getting beat!!! She's leaving bruises!!!
It's time for plan B.
You sound like you are doing
You sound like you are doing a fantastic job to me, your partner is lucky to have you, you do a lot for his family, many people would not tolerate what you have to put up with, I have just read about Rads, poor kid, she is lucky to be with a loving committed family, I think you need to pat yourself on the back not doubt yourself, I know you love your bf and you say that you do not want to fail him, but you so are not, this is never going to easy, Im giving you a big cheer, as for tattling, tattle away, everyone needs support, since I have found this site I have been tattling constantly lol.
Thank you, Jan. I know most
Thank you, Jan. I know most people see what she does and scream leave now. But how can I blame a child for a disorder that was caused by her mothers choices?? BF is really support of me, in fact hasn't been to work for 3 weeks to be here. Goes back to work tomorrow. She is a child that has never know stable lifestyles accept for my bf. so it is a long road, but she is worth it. My relationship is worth it. Most don't get she is the size of an 8 year old but emotional 2. So yes, we have emotional outburst that cause damage but it is the temper tantrums of a 2 year old.
My pleasure, I think that
My pleasure, I think that with your care your sd will improve with time, what do you do when sd has a tantrum?
When she has a tantrum I will
When she has a tantrum I will remove her to her room. I stand in her room against the door she she can't leave. At the point she becomes a threat to me or her I restrain her until she calms down. But tonight was awesome!!! Tonight bf is at work, she had no melt downs very small issues and enough applogized for her attitude. AND I got an I love you!!!!!
It will NEVER be easy, but she is a child who has been told most of her life no one loves her. She is not to blame.