BM sending ADHD kid to our home without meds - intentionally
TL;DR: BM intentionally sent kids home without meds - what are our options for recourse? We will be talking to our lawyer, kid's Dr., at the very least.
We picked up Kid 1, or SS10 (almost 11!), and Kid 2, SS5, from school on the Friday of our weekend per usual. We no longer pick them up from their BM's house unless it's a holiday. Well, things have been tense with the BM - she won't switch weekends for a quick getaway we scheduled for my birthday, she's being generally rude and criticizing us for how we spend our money (even though she's getting her child support on time, in full, without problems), and refused to do what we *and* both kids wanted for Christmas, eventually giving in when the kids begged her to do our routine Christmas plans. Usually she's horrible to us when there's a money problem, but we've paid her every cent that she is owed per parenting agreements etc., so we're wondering if she's having money problems with her fiance. Anyhow...
First off: we notice the kids have haircuts. BM and DH have agreed that it's DH's duty to get them haircuts; it's their thing, plus she can't tell what a bad haircut is on those boys. The boys say it happened last week and that they went to a barber, got some ice cream, and went to a movie.
When we ask SS10 where his medication for the weekend is, he shrugged and said, "I don't have any." He goes on to tell us that he hasn't had it for a few days, and we ask why not - if it's something the doctor is doing to look at his reactions again. No, he tells us, and then says maybe his mother "just didn't have the money."
Background: BM gets approximately $1700 in child support every month, is pursuing spousal support (despite being engaged to a felon who lives under her roof) for $600 per month (which according to our court filings is what I contribute to the household... plus she refuses to disclose financial information per our discovery request via our lawyer), and constantly sends the kids to us with clothes they've damn near outgrown, shoes that are wrecked, and keeps all their pants and good clothes that we've bought them (we have since smartened up and stopped sending them home in anything good so we still have clothes for them here). Also, request for spousal support states that she "can't make ends meet" or some BS but has a $300 surplus after expenses between her income, the child support, and the 0 that she says her fiance provides towards the household every month.
At this point, it's maybe the 4th time BM has "forgotten" pills, except this can't possibly be just a slip of the mind. Having not had these pills for a few days, yet it's clear that their mother has had the money to do nonessential things, plus no warning that she doesn't have pills; so to us it's completely, 100% on purpose. Whether it's because she wants to inflict on us the hassle of an unmedicated kid for the whole weekend or because she just doesn't give a shit about her son, who knows - it could be a little bit of both.
Instead of calling her out on this, like she wants - she enjoys us getting upset and we have decided that we won't play this game anymore - we decided that it's all just going to our lawyer.
As is the fact that, despite her telling us that she now works 40 hours a week (she and DH have been separated for 3.5 years and divorced for about 2, yet it's taken her this long to work full time), that she still hasn't provided childcare for the kids after school, and they are frequently left alone for anywhere from an hour to 4 or more without supervision. While this is mostly according to the kids, we need to know that someone is watching the kids.
I guess this post is for little other reason than ranting, but to see what you all would do. Yes, we're going to our lawyer with all of this to see what we can do. We're also thinking about having a conversation with SS10's doctor about his mother's refusal to fill his medication on time and per prescription. The prescription is only $15, and haircuts + ice cream + movie is quite a bit more. I mean, besides the fact that she gets a lot of money from DH to provide for the kids yet the most urgent of their needs is being blatantly and purposely ignored.
Also, what should we request from our lawyer? Has anyone dealt with a BM or BD purposely doing harm to their kid to be petty or simply doing these sorts of things out of negligence?
If you are picking the kids
If you are picking the kids up from school, there may be a problem sending the kids to school with medication in a bottle. Here that would not be allowed by the school. Here all medication at school has to be brought in by an adult and left in the nurse's office for administration. Children are not allowed to keep medication in their possession while in school.
Check the handbook or with the school about their medication rules. If the kids are not allowed to carry the medication you will need to figure out a way to obtain it for your time.
It has nothing to do with
It has nothing to do with school rules in this case. You might be right, but none of us have consulted that.
I guarantee you 100% this has nothing to do with school rules.
Kids can’t have meds on them
Kids can’t have meds on them at school if you are picking them up from school.
Never been a problem for us.
Never been a problem for us.
" We're also thinking about
" We're also thinking about having a conversation with SS10's doctor about his mother's refusal to fill his medication on time and per prescription."
"Has anyone dealt with a BM or BD purposely doing harm to their kid to be petty or simply doing these sorts of things out of negligence?"
Do not be surprised if the dr informs you that he/she is fine with the child having weekend free meds. Some children do get 'breaks' a day, a weekend, some do free summers.
I can , myself, tell you that unless laws on filling/refilling these meds have drastically changed in the last 7 or 8 years, getting these prescriptions can be a PITA , especially towards the weekend.
I use to be not able (nothing on my part) to get refills until the 29th/30th day exactly. Not day 26 or 27. I had to call the dr office (no automatic pharmacy refills) to request, go in person the following morning to drs office, sign for the prescription, take slip directly over to pharmacy and refill that same day.
If refill call day was a Friday morning on any given month, yep, kiddo got no meds all weekend until Monday. I made more than one trip to drs on a Monday morning, got slip, took it to pharmacy then raced back to school building to give DD her morning med.
And the above comments on taking this med to school are correct. Unless your school happens to have the exception to the meds at school 'rule', the kid can't just cart his meds to school leaving it in his bookbag . My daughter took one dose at 7:15am on school days so I never gave the school meds, and as I stated above, on the few times DD did receive her meds at school it was myself arriving with med and waiting in office for DD to be sent down and I gave child her meds directly out of the original prescription bottle in front of the office secretary.
And as to being neglectful or "purposely harming the child" (seriously, you do tend to roll dramatically) my daughter's dr knew and encouraged me to give 'free' days especially on weekends. It didn't change the prescription nor the bottle directions and no "harm" was being caused the child.
Just saying, because if you march into the drs office spouting all your 'legal' jargon you clearly tried to present here, he/she will not be impressed.
The other thought of suggestion you may be able to look at, is who carries the child on insurance? If your DH is the providing parent and his insurance covers the meds, you should be able to look online at the insurance and see when BM refills and the claim is entered.
We have already been through
We have already been through the no meds weekends. They tried, decided not to do it again unless we were changing meds. SS10 has confirmed that no such thing is happening.
DH has been through this himself. He as well as others who I know who have personally dealt with this know that taking a kid on and off these meds on their own volition is not OK. Plus, SS10 tells us that he feels bad without them. That being unable to control his impulses and getting yelled at by teachers/Mom is a horrible experience for him. Eye roll all you like, but sporadic decisions to take him off his meds because his mother just feels like it can also contribute to them being more and more ineffective over time.
School meds policy has never been an issue. We have not received a message from his teacher or the school; the teachers and administrators know that DH has been left purposely uninformed by BM, so they speak with us now via emails and a special app. I suspect nobody ever checked the rules, but suppose they did? No messages from BM or anyone else.
It sounds like you wouldn’t believe me if it were in your face, but this is not a circumstance. If she could not have filled it, either she would have told us (anything that isn’t her fault, we are clearly told it isn’t) or SS10 would have been given the line. Even when things have been bad before with her, she is not afraid to cover her ass when she does indeed have a circumstance.
As for what the doctors would say, his no meds weekends are tracked carefully. We are supposed to take notes every time. There hasn’t been a no meds weekend for a while and she was actually given instructions for emergency times if he falls short. She didn’t follow through with emergency meds this time either. Most of my family works in healthcare, as did my mother, and when I asked the NP in my family, she said not following prescription instructions like this purposefully can sometimes lead to reporting to child services if there’s a pattern or other reasons to be concerned. Besides, i don’t think fucking with your kid’s meds to spite the other parent is a very ethical thing and I’d be surprised to meet anyone who thinks so.
Also re: insurance, good
Also re: insurance, good question. I think they ruled that she provide insurance bc DH’s is outrageous and over 5% of his monthly income. He has different names on the bottles we do have, so i don’t know about tracking the Dr from that.
Run the names of the
Run the names of the different drs on the bottles you do have (google search). You may be able to see where they are all working out of one clinic/peds office.
Example, if child's pediatrician isn't in on that given day a dr working out of the same office and practicing group can write the script.
Makes sense. Thanks!
Makes sense. Thanks!
If you have a court order for
If you have a court order for visitation, just follow it. There is no need to switch weekends, just schedule your romantic weekends for when the kids are with BM. Do what you want with the kids when it is your time to have them. Simple.
If BM is spewing at you or DH, cut off contact. You don't have to listen to her stupid crap. Communication between her and DH and can be by text or email only. You only need to hear from DH what you want to hear.
BM can do what she wants with the kids when they are with her. If she wants to shave their heads and dress them in ball gowns, she can do that. Let it go.
It was a ticketed event. We
It was a ticketed event. We decided to give the kids a fun sleepover night with family.
New mantra in this house is no negotiating with terorrists. Told DH he should stop giving details. Hope he will follow.
My main point isn’t about the haircuts. But imagine if he did the same thing, infringed upon her requests. It would be hell to pay. (Actually I kind of told him he should do the same exact thing. What’s to stop him?)
In reality, we aren’t going to tell the kids if we explicitly break her requests that we don’t care and “screw it.” Because her doing so is going right back to the lawyer.
Let it go? Wow. Thanks. Actually, the point of not being so shitty as to say “screw it” when the parents have agreed on something, banal as it may seem, is because we don’t view this as a game of undermining their mother. Which is what she’s doing to us: undermining our ability to parent the kids when we have them, and undermining what their father has established as routines and bonding times with his boys.
So, no. Clearly you think I find the haircuts a big deal - it’s an aside - and to an extent I do, but really just the circumstances of this particular situation. She can pay ~$65-70 for a day out when she wants to “screw it” and do something spiteful, but suddenly she can’t pay for meds when it just so happens to be dad’s time. To be spiteful. It’s not so trivial when it comes down to what she’s trying to do to DH.
Let it go as an argument? Sure. But she will see it when the lawyer comes around.
Ok....can I offer a few ideas
Ok....can I offer a few ideas please?
Firstly, know that there are many families who also go thru this mess. Maybe that will help a little to know your not the only one.
About the medication: Years ago it was not uncommon for Doc's to say the kids need a break from the add/adhd meds on weekends AND holidays AND summer. In other words when ever the child was NOT attending school they needed a break from the meds. Hmmmmm, that is curious to me. Never the less here is what you can do.
Go the pharmacy Rite Aid, CVS or where ever the script is and ask for a enough to get the child thru the weekend. OR call ss's doctor and talk to doc directly and ask for a solution.
Don't forget to ask if the child should have a break during none school days.
Read up on ways mom and dad should use behavior modification. Dr. Craig Childress has valuable information regarding the topic. Great success to stop medicating our kids.
Next, do yourselves a huge favor and stop asking for changes to schedule. Also don't ask for any changes either. Start making your home schedule independent from a hint of asking BM for anything. THIS includes Vacations and Holiday events and of course, clothing.
In your home have all supplies clothing, undies, pj's, hats, gloves, boots, school supplies, pencils, crayons, paper.....everything they would need when the live with you.
Stop exchanging bags of clothing. This will benefit BM too. ANd make the kids feel more at home in your home which is best for them. 2 homes 2 sets of everything.
The clothing the child arrives in at your house you will wash, press and send the child home to moms house in the same outfit. The only thing that should come to your home from BM is the school bag they took to school.
Medication challenge will be addressed directly with dad and the doctor first.
Also includes the exchange of grades, school activities. Dad should already be on board with all things about the child. IF BM refuses to give dad access, going to court is your only option.
For more information regarding Parallel parenting you could look up Mr. Custody Coach Parallel Parenting.
Some folks refer it to low contact.
You don't need permission to have your own supply of anything for the child at your house. You don't need the courts permission to tell BM 'we don't need clothing for Johnny here, we have everything"
***always follow the court order. IF dh doesn't like something in it, go back to court and have it modified.****
If you live close to bm why not seek 50 50 physical custody. In many states it is the new standard. Just something to think about.
I appreciate it. Thank you.
I appreciate it. Thank you. We actually do a lot of this. The schedule thing was minimal. Just an annoyance. For reference, she asks for changes all the time. It’s omly an issue if we want it. But we will never give her a change again.
We will go for 50/50 when we have a bigger place. At this point it isn’t feasible.
The Mr Custody Coach was a
The Mr Custody Coach was a good suggestion - thank you!
The Mr Custody Coach was a
The Mr Custody Coach was a good suggestion - thank you!
Your welcome amodernstepmom
Your welcome amodernstepmom
Thanks everyone. You gave us
Thanks everyone. You gave us some good ideas.
What we're doing to do - while still talking to our lawyer - is cite the school policy on medication. She'd been giving him his meds to keep with him, but we think that this is a bad idea anyways. So we're going to request, by email, that per this policy, every time she comes to pick up the kids from us that she give us the next weekend's medication.
If she refuses, our lawyer will hear about it.
Also, going to continue on disengaging. She really feeds off the negative energy. Not going to let that happen.
Sounds like a plan. If you
Sounds like a plan. If you look in the school student handbook there is very likely a section addressing medication in schools of the district. Include the page number referring her to it with section ____ lines ____ through _____.
Some BM's are just bent on being crazy. There was one SM here (she might still be), her SS takes the liquid form. Her wacko BM was pouring liquid ADHD meds in a f-ing plastic baggie. Literally. The father was having the same issues as you of getting the BM to send meds.
Believe it or not, she
Believe it or not, she already replied to the email. Stated she won't have the money to get his pills until the 15th (wtf? She got $1700 in child support just 7 days ago!), said she will not be bringing them to pickups and offered to leave them on the doorstep of her house (which means going entirely out of our way to get them).
But, we have it all in an email for the lawyer.
Also, that's insane. WTF is wrong with people?
I really do appreciate all your responses though and I'm sorry if I get a little upset in some of them - we are just so frustrated. It's unbelievable to me that people behave like this.
Call CPS immediately and nail
Call CPS immediately and nail BM's ass to the wall. Call the Doc and get an emergency Rx for all of the meds and keep a supply at your house.
Keep nailing BM's ass to the wall when she pulls her crap.
Good luck.
Call CPS immediately and nail
Call CPS immediately and nail BM's ass to the wall. Call the Doc and get an emergency Rx for all of the meds and keep a supply at your house.
Keep nailing BM's ass to the wall when she pulls her crap.
Good luck.
I'm sorry but I just can't
I'm sorry but I just can't get behind the mentality of having to have a 10 yr old medicated for the weekend so he's zoned out and no one really has to parent. I've been working with grade schoolers for the past year and I've seen the ones who are on meds go from hyper to zombie in about 30 mins. It's great for the teachers because they don't have to deal w/behavior outbursts but the kid really isn't focusing on his studies better now he's just tired and blanking out.
Perhaps his father could work w/BM and find an alternate way to deal w/his energy. I was told that my son who has a LD should be on Concerta. I researched it and it's basically speed and it makes kids lose their appetite. I told his neuropsychologist that we'd have to look at natural alternatives so we went with behavioral therapy 1x a week, fish oil supplements and martial arts to help him focus more. It's a lot more involved than giving my kid a pill but it's been much more effective. In the waiting room I heard a mom ask the doc if it was ok to give the kid an extra dose the day he was having a test, doc said yes. So instead of studying more the kid gets more drugs, and we wonder why there's such an issue in our country with addiction.
How did teachers and parents ever manage w/out drugged out kids?!
So that was my original
So that was my original belief, until I spent more time around him and learned about why he's medicated.
He's definitely not zoned-out with medication. It's mostly his impulse control that is an issue without his medication. He will immediately get off topic and have a very difficult time adhering to any sort of structure without it. He's still a lively, imaginative, smart, and talkative kid with his medication.
Concerta does not make SS11 lose his appetite. He eats like a horse.
In the end, it's not my decision. I have suggested we try diet and some kind of routine in sports, but their mother does not want to change their diet ("they're too picky") and does not want to commit the time to taking them to extracurriculars.
Also, DH was ADHD as well.
Also, DH was ADHD as well. He's VERY good at managing SS11 when he's without meds. I'm sure if we had BM's help, a solution might be present. But she won't budge on anything. It's always a losing battle.