First Father’s Day with the kids. My step kids are young. 9 and 2. Who should be responsible for taking care of Father’s Day gifts? Should I reach out to an extremely difficult bio mom and ask?
No matter which forum you post this question, the answer will be the same.
Don’t engage with her.
If you want to do something for him (from his kids) for Father’s Day then do that, but don’t engage with BM regarding it, and don’t include her, because chances are she’s not going to do diddly squat, right? I mean, you *did* say she’s “extremely difficult.”
Nope, don't reach out. Biomom may see you as over-stepping as these are her kids. If you want to get something for your partner you can, but stay away from difficult a ex.
So, I’ll just assume it’s another responsibility that I’m supposed to take care of without any other knowledge? It’s so confusing. If I do, I’ll step on her toes. If I don’t, I was surely supposed to.
Why do you assume it is your responsibility to do anything? Is he your father? Is he the father of your kids?
I don't know if you response is sarcastic or obtuse, but if you want to stick your head in a hornet's nest, go ahead and do it. Generally, you do not engage a difficult ex, but if you need to get stung a few times to see why, go for it.
Please remember that when you defer to BM on this, she may expect you to defer to her on other matters too - see that as giving up any power you do have in this dynamic when you feel it necessary to consult with an ex in a relationship where you really have no power or standing.
Got it. My response was really only a reference to past experience. BM didn’t help the young kids with gifts for Christmas and I was scrambling at the last minute trying to help a sad 8yo stepson. On the other hand, their dad always makes sure the kids have gifts to give mom for any occasion just as he’d always done. I wrongly thought that would be reciprocated. I just feel like I’m not navigating this well. Thanks for the wisdom.
Unfortunately there is no text book to help the "How To". You end up playing things by ear. Sometimes you win, sometimes you will lose because it goes with the territory.
Your best bet is to do what feels right to you and consult with your partner. The less you have to do with BM, the better things will go for you. Consider your partner, the kids, yourself (in any order you need to), but please do not give a high conflict BM an inch: you will always end up worse off for it, even if your motivation comes from kindness, inclusiveness and consideration.
Ask the 9-year-old if he/she wants your help in getting DH a present for Father's Day. Or maybe he wants to give DH something he/she made, or a coupon for something he/she will do with DH. Have the 2-year-old draw him a picture or something of the sort (or put his/her name on whatever the 9 yo picks out).
Do NOT reach out to BM.
If the 9yo says no, then so be it - no gifts for DH on Father's Day. You can't be responsible for what his kids do on Father's Day beyond asking if they need help.
I hate Father's day the most of all days, because it's when SS19 shows just how little he cares about DH, and has done so for years.
Good Lord, do NOT reach out to a high conflict BM.
When my SD was young, I personally did not involve myself with Father's Day. Had she asked me to help her with something, I would have, but she never concerned herself with it.
And, no, it's really not your responsibility so don't feel bad for not taking it on.
I would talk to your DH about this. Ask him if he wants the kids to do anything for him and if he is expecting you to do it, or he expects the kids mom to do it.
I always ask my DH what he wants the kids to do for him then I go make sure they do it.
Thank you. Best to just let him take the lead. It’s my nature to want to help and want to be sure everyone is happy. It’s difficult to be in a situation where that is impossible.
First... as other's said. Don't contact the BM. Even if she is getting the kids to do something for her EX.. it really doesn't matter. Do not engage her.
If you are willing to or interested in helping your SK's do something for father's day for your DH.. that's fine.
What I would do is ASK the 9 yo.. "so, are you guys doing anything for your dad for father's day? It's this Sunday".
If they say.. no.. look a bit worried.. you can offer.. "we can always pick him up a card and a cake at the store on Friday.. does that sound good to you?
If they decline.. fine. (I mean basically the 9 yo.. 2 yo I wouldn't worry about that just put their name on whatever card or present if there is one).
Usually, the visit before a holiday, I ask the boys if they need/want me to take them to get something for their dad. They tell me either yes or no. If they say no, I let it go. If they say yes, I take them out shopping or do something else. I do this because the boys are respectful towards me. If they weren't, I would leave them to their own devices.
I don't interact with BM on this. The boys are old enough to talk to her if they want her to help them out. I merely offer to assist them on DH's time. If they don't want my help, so be it.
ETA: We also ask the boys If they need help getting a gift for BM for holidays. For DH, it's not about expecting BM to reciprocate; it's DH teaching his kids to be thoughtful in spite of his relationship with BM. I agree with that parenting objective, so I carry it over in regards to getting gifts for DH.
When SDs were younger I would help. No longer. DH doesn't help them with my birthday or xmas so I no longer help him. If YSD would ask, I would help, but she does not.
The last Father's Day both OSD and YSD were here they made breakfast for everyone BUT me. Yep. Cover wasn't included. So I was totally done.
This year I will be visiting a friend for the weekend.
I do not reach out to BM. She showed her crazy early to me and I cut her off without any regret.
In the early years, I used to ask SSs if they wanted help with Father's Day, Birthday, Christmas for DH. They have always declined my offers and never gotten anything.
For Father's Day, I usually get DH a present or two that are clearly from me. Last year, I got him nice socks and some shorts. This year, I got him a Father's Day card that is from a wife, not a child. I can acknowledge him on Father's Day, so someone's doing it, but I don't feel the need to pretend that his kids helped or showed any interest.
My SDs are 4 and 6. They are not old enough to go alone to the store to get my DH a father's day gift, nor do they have money to buy him something. I'm not even sure they know when Father's Day is. Because I want my DH to have a good Father's Day (and the same goes for Christmas, his birthday, etc.), I will help the girls pick out something to give him, or I'll help them make a craft for him, and I'll give them supplies to make him a card. I do not count on BM to do any of this, although I think she might have before DH and I got together. But I would never reach out to her to see if she's handling it, because it's not my place or her responsibility, and although she's not difficult and we have an OK relationship, it just doesn't seem right to me. On the off chance that BM is helping the girls do something for their father, either they'll let me know or he'll have extra presents. I do this for HIM, not for the skids.
Nope, don't contact the BM. If she does nothing, that is on her. I would suggest that you do something with the Skids for their dad. Make sure it is obvious that BM had nothing to do with what you initiate with the Skids to recognize their dad on father's day.
I wouldn’t engage the BM (tho the Skids have gotten SO cards/gift cards every year). I will say MY Ex is terrible about this stuff (Morhers day, Birthday, holidays) however he was terrible about those things our entire relationship so while it’s frustrating that Ex doesn’t make sure that DS gets me anything to recognize these occasions what can I really do about it at this point?
Navigating divorce is interesting - you still have all of the bits you didn’t really like about the Ex in play without any of the benefit you may have received when you were together :lol
Never reach out to an
Never reach out to an extremely difficult BM unless you absolutely have to (e.g. an emergency, a medical emergency).
Co-parenting is something that bio parents do, not bio parent and the other bio parent’s significant other.
I might be in the wrong forum
I might be in the wrong forum. I’m new here and probably using a lot of terms incorrectly.
No matter which forum you
No matter which forum you post this question, the answer will be the same.
Don’t engage with her.
If you want to do something for him (from his kids) for Father’s Day then do that, but don’t engage with BM regarding it, and don’t include her, because chances are she’s not going to do diddly squat, right? I mean, you *did* say she’s “extremely difficult.”
Nope, don't reach out.Biomom
Nope, don't reach out.
Biomom may see you as over-stepping as these are her kids.
If you want to get something for your partner you can, but stay away from difficult a ex.
So, I’ll just assume it’s
So, I’ll just assume it’s another responsibility that I’m supposed to take care of without any other knowledge? It’s so confusing. If I do, I’ll step on her toes. If I don’t, I was surely supposed to.
Why do you assume it is your
Why do you assume it is your responsibility to do anything?
Is he your father?
Is he the father of your kids?
I don't know if you response is sarcastic or obtuse, but if you want to stick your head in a hornet's nest, go ahead and do it.
Generally, you do not engage a difficult ex, but if you need to get stung a few times to see why, go for it.
Please remember that when you defer to BM on this, she may expect you to defer to her on other matters too - see that as giving up any power you do have in this dynamic when you feel it necessary to consult with an ex in a relationship where you really have no power or standing.
^ This.
^ This.
Got it. My response was
Got it. My response was really only a reference to past experience. BM didn’t help the young kids with gifts for Christmas and I was scrambling at the last minute trying to help a sad 8yo stepson. On the other hand, their dad always makes sure the kids have gifts to give mom for any occasion just as he’d always done. I wrongly thought that would be reciprocated. I just feel like I’m not navigating this well. Thanks for the wisdom.
Unfortunately there is no
Unfortunately there is no text book to help the "How To".
You end up playing things by ear.
Sometimes you win, sometimes you will lose because it goes with the territory.
Your best bet is to do what feels right to you and consult with your partner.
The less you have to do with BM, the better things will go for you.
Consider your partner, the kids, yourself (in any order you need to), but please do not give a high conflict BM an inch: you will always end up worse off for it, even if your motivation comes from kindness, inclusiveness and consideration.
Ask the 9-year-old if he/she
Ask the 9-year-old if he/she wants your help in getting DH a present for Father's Day. Or maybe he wants to give DH something he/she made, or a coupon for something he/she will do with DH. Have the 2-year-old draw him a picture or something of the sort (or put his/her name on whatever the 9 yo picks out).
Do NOT reach out to BM.
If the 9yo says no, then so be it - no gifts for DH on Father's Day. You can't be responsible for what his kids do on Father's Day beyond asking if they need help.
I hate Father's day the most of all days, because it's when SS19 shows just how little he cares about DH, and has done so for years.
Good Lord, do NOT reach out
Good Lord, do NOT reach out to a high conflict BM.
When my SD was young, I personally did not involve myself with Father's Day. Had she asked me to help her with something, I would have, but she never concerned herself with it.
And, no, it's really not your responsibility so don't feel bad for not taking it on.
I would talk to your DH about
I would talk to your DH about this. Ask him if he wants the kids to do anything for him and if he is expecting you to do it, or he expects the kids mom to do it.
I always ask my DH what he wants the kids to do for him then I go make sure they do it.
Thank you. Best to just let
Thank you. Best to just let him take the lead. It’s my nature to want to help and want to be sure everyone is happy. It’s difficult to be in a situation where that is impossible.
First... as other's said.
First... as other's said. Don't contact the BM. Even if she is getting the kids to do something for her EX.. it really doesn't matter. Do not engage her.
If you are willing to or interested in helping your SK's do something for father's day for your DH.. that's fine.
What I would do is ASK the 9 yo.. "so, are you guys doing anything for your dad for father's day? It's this Sunday".
If they say.. no.. look a bit worried.. you can offer.. "we can always pick him up a card and a cake at the store on Friday.. does that sound good to you?
If they decline.. fine. (I mean basically the 9 yo.. 2 yo I wouldn't worry about that just put their name on whatever card or present if there is one).
As my DH's partner I usually
As my DH's partner I usually will offer to take SD shopping for something for her dad. I don't expect BM to be paying for gifts for her ex-husband.
Usually, the visit before a
Usually, the visit before a holiday, I ask the boys if they need/want me to take them to get something for their dad. They tell me either yes or no. If they say no, I let it go. If they say yes, I take them out shopping or do something else. I do this because the boys are respectful towards me. If they weren't, I would leave them to their own devices.
I don't interact with BM on this. The boys are old enough to talk to her if they want her to help them out. I merely offer to assist them on DH's time. If they don't want my help, so be it.
ETA: We also ask the boys If they need help getting a gift for BM for holidays. For DH, it's not about expecting BM to reciprocate; it's DH teaching his kids to be thoughtful in spite of his relationship with BM. I agree with that parenting objective, so I carry it over in regards to getting gifts for DH.
When SDs were younger I would
When SDs were younger I would help. No longer. DH doesn't help them with my birthday or xmas so I no longer help him. If YSD would ask, I would help, but she does not.
The last Father's Day both OSD and YSD were here they made breakfast for everyone BUT me. Yep. Cover wasn't included. So I was totally done.
This year I will be visiting a friend for the weekend.
Used to ask
I do not reach out to BM. She showed her crazy early to me and I cut her off without any regret.
In the early years, I used to ask SSs if they wanted help with Father's Day, Birthday, Christmas for DH. They have always declined my offers and never gotten anything.
For Father's Day, I usually get DH a present or two that are clearly from me. Last year, I got him nice socks and some shorts. This year, I got him a Father's Day card that is from a wife, not a child. I can acknowledge him on Father's Day, so someone's doing it, but I don't feel the need to pretend that his kids helped or showed any interest.
My SDs are 4 and 6. They are
My SDs are 4 and 6. They are not old enough to go alone to the store to get my DH a father's day gift, nor do they have money to buy him something. I'm not even sure they know when Father's Day is. Because I want my DH to have a good Father's Day (and the same goes for Christmas, his birthday, etc.), I will help the girls pick out something to give him, or I'll help them make a craft for him, and I'll give them supplies to make him a card. I do not count on BM to do any of this, although I think she might have before DH and I got together. But I would never reach out to her to see if she's handling it, because it's not my place or her responsibility, and although she's not difficult and we have an OK relationship, it just doesn't seem right to me. On the off chance that BM is helping the girls do something for their father, either they'll let me know or he'll have extra presents. I do this for HIM, not for the skids.
Nope, don't contact the BM.
Nope, don't contact the BM. If she does nothing, that is on her. I would suggest that you do something with the Skids for their dad. Make sure it is obvious that BM had nothing to do with what you initiate with the Skids to recognize their dad on father's day.
I wouldn’t engage the BM (tho
I wouldn’t engage the BM (tho the Skids have gotten SO cards/gift cards every year). I will say MY Ex is terrible about this stuff (Morhers day, Birthday, holidays) however he was terrible about those things our entire relationship so while it’s frustrating that Ex doesn’t make sure that DS gets me anything to recognize these occasions what can I really do about it at this point?
Navigating divorce is interesting - you still have all of the bits you didn’t really like about the Ex in play without any of the benefit you may have received when you were together :lol