When bio mom spoils
This has been driving me nuts. So I wanted some feedback. First a little background. We are a blended family. I have 3 children from a previous marriage and my SO has 1 daughter from a marriage and then 2 boys from an ex whom he never married. So we have a rather large gang. My ex and his ex wife co-parent wonderfully and there is rarely issues. Now the bio mom of his two little boys- is a nightmare. They are 3 and 5. My SO has primary legal custody of the boys and a couple of months ago she could only have supervised visits, due to her abusing prescription medication and alcohol. Recently we went back to every other week for placement. The 3 year old is currently being screened for autism, which she is in complete denial anything is wrong. He doesn't talk. Just says "mama" and "dada". So it's been quite the ride so far.
Sunday was the little ones birthday. Since we can see just about everything on Facebook, I saw her birthday party for the little one. In one of her videos, there is the 3 year old with his cupcake and candles grinning from ear to ear, happy, they are singing happy birthday to him. Meanwhile there is the 5 year old sitting there with his own cupcake and candles. The 3 year old blew his out finally but while that is happening the 5 year old is yelling "I blew mine out! Look! I blew mine out"! Ok if that was the extent to it, it probably wouldn't have bothered me so bad. However, next video lol. The little one is opening gifts. The five year old is yelling "where is mine?". And bio mom gives him a present to open. Not one of the 3 year olds, she actually got the 5 year old a present to open. On another kids birthday. #facepalm!!!! When they come back to out house, the 5 year old is always rather bratty for the first day or two, he doesn't have a sleep schedule there, they are exhausted. We found out bio mom was giving him melatonin to sleep. My SO flipped his sh*t because he sleeps just fine, she just doesn't want him waking up at 6 am, which he always has, he just goes to bed early so we make sure he's getting his z's. And we've told her this. Point of it all, is she spoils them rotten, gives into everything because it's easier for her. He's talked to her about it but there is never follow through. We've had to be the responsible parents during all this due to her going on benders, having the children for long stretches and going through court processes. I know she feels like she needs to appease them due to her behavior however she's teaching them some rather horrible habits.
Any advice? Lol
My advice? Let it go. You can
My advice? Let it go. You can't control what she does in her home and none of it is abusive. She has the right to parent as she pleases.
Oh. And stay off her Facebook page, it will make you nuts.
I only saw the Facebook
I only saw the Facebook because the grandma posted the videos. She sent me a friend request but I think I may just at least unfollow her so I don't have to see the posts. I would love to let it go for sure, it's just frustrating on all levels to be the responsible ones. Sooooo frustrating. Plus I despise her and feel like I can never forgive her for what she's done to her kids in the past. So there is that lol.
I agree here... you can't
I agree here... you can't control what she does.
I will say though.. my brother and I got "unbirthday" presents when we were pretty young.. maybe in the same age range that your SS's are. I know other kids who had parents do similar things. I don't think it made the kids particularly bratty.. to have a small token something. It certainly didn't hurt my feelings when my brother got a small hot wheels car on my birthday when I was getting "more". The 2nd cake is a bit over the top.. but her life I guess.
Yeah I guess it's hard to
Yeah I guess it's hard to grasp the whole picture in one post, for sure. Part of me feels like she's over compensating for the things she's done- and I suppose if I were in the same situation I would too. She's tried committing suicide twice in the past year, went missing at least 3 times where no one knew where she was for days. So I'm sure she feels she has a lot to "make up for".
Or she's an essentially self
Or she's an essentially self-centered person who wants to be a friend instead of a parent. Either way, you can't do anything about it, so don't let it eat you up.
I agree with the others.
I agree with the others. There's nothing you can do so just let it go. Not easy.
I'm in a similar situation in that BM spoils SS9 rotten. While she and DH co-parent well on the whole, any mention of her spoiling him brings on tears and defensiveness. Basically, SS9 has always preferred DH and BM overcompensates by giving in to everything and basically bribing him. It's all insecurity-based.
All we can do is enforce our rules and values in our home and hope it somewhat counteracts what he's getting at BM's house -- that some of our values and rules will stick.
Also, when I was really young, my sister and I would also get a token gift on our sister's birthday. That stopped by the time I was five, though, and old enough to understand the concept of "her birthday/special day." Yeah. The cupcake with a candle seems a bit much, though.
I understand why this is a
I understand why this is a concern, and it's ultra-frustrating when you know that one of the kids is suffering from some sort of developmental delay that will require consistency and work and the other is sleep-deprived. Mix in her own inconsistency and mental health issues, and the impact that her parenting has on the kids when they return to your home, and it's very hard to just ignore.
I think some of this you'll need to ignore, some you'll need to develop a plan for home on, and some you'll need to document for legal counsel later on.
The things you can't control: birthday parties. If she wants to spoil the kids rotten, she can do that. If she wants to keep the kids up until midnight and let them sleep until 9am, so be it. Right now, these are things that she gets to control and do because she's Mom.
The things you can make plans for in your own home: a detox for when the kids return home. Come up with some sort of routine that can help them come down off their spoilt child high and lull them back into the well-behaved kids you expect them to be when they are in your home. Could be that they immediately come home and take a bath before story time, or you all play a board game, or do a wacky dance, or whatever.
The things to keep documented: her refusing to comply with doctor's orders in regards to the youngest. Any threats she makes about harming herself, or actual harming of herself, especially if the kids are there. Keeping the older SS awake late before going to school, and any misbehavior or other issues he experiences at school during her weeks. Anytime she sends them home in wholly inappropriate attire, or forgets to feed them, or anything else. Track if she starts missing her custody time. You don't need to follow up with an attorney on all of this, but it will be good to have if she goes off the deep end. Basically, plan for the worst but hope for the best.
No one can dictate how BM parents so long as she isn't harming the kids. But, if she crosses over into neglect, abuse, or threatening harm to herself or others, that needs to be addressed with an attorney/911/CPS, as appropriate.
Great feedback, thank you! We
Great feedback, thank you! We note everything. The melatonin was definitely one of them. Per there agreement she is not to give any medications to the children without approval. She has a history of abusing medication and over medicating the kids. She lives with her mom and she was the one that told us. I worry about those kids when they aren't here, it's scary.
Is her mom a reasonable
Is her mom a reasonable person? If so, I'd make sure she has just as much information as BM in regards to the CO, doctor's notes and orders, etc. If you can email the information to GBM and BM so there is a paper trail to show they received the same information you all have, even better.
Eh, so-so. She has some
Eh, so-so. She has some mental health issues of her own. She can be very wishy washy with all of this. Before we went to court she was saying how fed up she was with her daughter and how she can't deal with her anymore. Then while at court she swore up and down her daughter was sober and doing the best she ever has. Which was an absolute lie. So we are careful with our interactions with either one of them. Sucks you have to just wait for someone to mess up royally or just hope they are in a better place.
All you can do is cover your
All you can do is cover your a**. Make sure BM has access to the same information you all do. Make sure BM is involved in whatever capacity the courts say she can/should be. Basically, don't give her a chance to say in court that you all cut her out or made co-parenting more difficult.
Don't infringe upon the rights she has, but don't help her keep up with her responsibilities. She needs to show that she can succeed on her own merit. At the same time, your SO needs to make sure that he is keeping up with his own responsibilities and using any rights that the court has given him. I'm not saying he isn't doing that, but the less wiggle room you give BM, the less she'll be able to manipulate the situation AND the safer/healthier the kids will be.
Thanks! Yeah she's a real gem
Thanks! Yeah she's a real gem. It sucks that we are holding our breath waiting for her to mess up again. Hopefully she doesn't!
This child's Dx may have
This child's Dx may have significant impact on your life and marriage. BM should not influence you to abandon influence over this part of your life.
You and DH should work together to get the Skid whatever help is necessary, prepare your relationship for the challenges of an Autistic non joint child, and mitigate as much as possible BM's avoidance and denial.
IMHO of course.
I've had to tread carefully
I've had to tread carefully on this subject with my SO, mostly because it's not my child and I didn't want to step on his toes. Once he finally did realize, yeah there is most definitely something going on here, he's much more perceptive. He's such a sweet and loving little boy but some of the things he does, or doesn't do concerns me. I've been around since he was just over a year old, so I think I've grown a bond with him at a very young age. Which I'm grateful for, however it makes it difficult when BM is so in and out of their lives and I have no rights.
You have every right that you
You have every right that you choose to take that your DH agrees to.
You and I have a similar start point to our Sparenting journey. My bride and I met when SS-27 was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo.
Intermittent exposure to the opposing BioParent can make things even more challenging.
One thing that has been a foundational given in our marriage is that as equity life partners we are both equity parents to any children in our marriage regardless of kid biology.
I took and actively used any and every right I wanted to regarding caring for and parenting my SS.
Of course when my DW and I disagreed, as the BP, she trumped me.
SS-27 asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.
You are SS's parent. So parent. You have a vested and living interest in his wellbeing. I suggest that you have the equity life partners/equity parents discussion with your DH.
As it turned out for us, SS is an only child in our marriage. He is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock SoermIdiot spawned sibs burly three different baby mamas in the SpermClan. The youngest two share a mom.