The only comparable situation I have is my 2 bio daughters and my DH, since they never acquired a step mother - my exH didn't remarry. My daughters have never called my DH "Dad" they call him by his first name, as my SDs call me.

I can see why this upset you, but I don't think it will make your son feel any differently about his step mother and you - so does it really matter what he calls her? It's probably just a convention in their house.

Try not to give your son mixed messages in any case - saying "it's OK and it's fine" when it must be obvious to him that neither of these things is true - is going to be pretty confusing for a 7 year old.

I am sorry you are hurting. "Mom" tends to be seen as our special name... What your child calls YOU. (Or Me.) It can come as a shock that it is a title that can be applied to ANYONE. And worst still, used by YOUR child to address some one else.

I really believe that even though this must hurt you to your very core, to your son, it is a form of address used to call a female care giver. Your son KNOWS who his MOTHER is - that is you: Mom! I am also sure that because there is another minor child in X's house who refers to HIS mother as MOM, because X's SO is the female caregiver to someone with DAD, it may seem normal to call that person MOM, especially if DS has not been told what to call her. I do think you may be reading far to much into who calls whom what... (And yes, it doesn't mean it DOESNT hurt.)

I also do not mean this in a hurtful way, but you must recognise that your own behaviour and statements with regard to this situation is dishonest and ignorant?

By ignorant, I mean you assumed that your ex would not let your DS call X's SO "Mom". This is based on how you feel about the situation and the convention in your own home, not based on anything you previously discussed with your X. It appears as dishonest with your child in that you never actually told him the truth: 1) either he can not call the SO "Mom" because YOU dont want it; and 2) that you are OK with DS calling someone else Mom.

You are sending your child a mixed message and he probably knows something is wrong. Please have the courage to speak to your child honestly, as well as having the courage of your convictions to decide what it is you want (with regards to names / how to address people) and follow through on that by telling your son.

I would also recommend that you speak to your X and you two discuss this issue. You can decide between yourselves what the naming convention will be. Understand that because you may prefer that MOM and DAD be exclusive titles, your X may not feel the same way. Come to an agreement for the sake of your son on this.

I personally am not going to be possessive over my "title" my son(12) uses. He calls his step-father by a nickname we all agreed on. If there was someone else that played the "mom" role in my son's life I doubt it would bother me if he called her that. I am secure enough in my relationship with my son, to know that he knows who his MOTHER is and who his MOM is. He can call me anything else: it doesnt change the nature of the relationship I have with him. I think this needs to be considered especially if Dad's new partner treats your son ok or well. Too many people here can not stand their stepkids. Where I do believe healthy boundaries are important, dont give Dad's new partner reasons to resent you or your son. Your son can have multiple care giver type relationships with people: He will ALWAYS know who his MOM is, based on how YOU treat him.

Hoping I can offer little perspective here.....my SDs are older (now 16 & 18) so they're able to express themselves. They always called me Miss XXX. Earlier this year, they asked if they could call me something. They refer to all non-relative adults as Miss xxx or Mr xxx and they felt closer to me than that. They asked me if they could call me mom (they refer to their own mother as mommy). I said sure. It doesn't take away from or diminish their feelings for their mom - it was just a way to solidify our relationship since I am more than just a family friend. My own kids call their stepmother by her first name. Sometimes, my son will call her MommaXXX. First time I heard him say that, it made me pause (because he calls me momma) but it was only for a moment. He's in his early 20s though and I know my kid loves me so I don't mind at all. Your son knows who #1 mom is.

Meh…I am one that thinks a kid should call their parents mom and dad. Unless real mom and dad are out of the picture.
And my opinions have nothing to do with insecurities or such. I think that being a mom and or dad is a pretty special thing and the name should be for the bios only. And PS…I have heard of A LOT of dads that get livid if the SF is called Dad, it is not just a mom issue here. And dang it, it just gets confusing for kids.

Maybe ask your ex to stop him from calling SM mom. Then tell your DS that yes, you are mom and no one else. Maybe you and he can come up with a special name for SM. (be nice…lol). Or tell him that he and his Dad can come up with a special name for SM.

I would be livid if my kids were calling someone else mom. They can call them anything else but I've got the scars, wider hips, bigger feet, and stress lines in my face that have earned me the sacred title of MOM! I would threaten court if my ex did something like that. Hill to die on in my book.

Your son can call her anything else but mom is for you. The younger sibling will be just fine if older half brother is calling his mother something besides mom because she's not mom. Sounds like your ex and his SO need to have a talk w/the youngest child explaining the dynamics.

My perspective on this is from the StepDad side. Though I can certainly understand how this might be an issue for a BioParent .... the fact is that I am my SKids Dad. The only REAL dad he has ever had though his BioDad... the SpermIdiot... has always been in his life.

My wife and I met when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. I was the first person SS ever called "Dad(dy)". My wife nor I ever gave a thought about what the SpermClan would think or feel about that. It is none of their business.

My wife nor I ever encouraged SS to call me Dad(dy).. he just did it. So.. that is who I am to him. I am Dad. He is now 25yo and for his entire memory I am dad. So much so that when he was 22 he asked for me to adopt him. We made that happen in 4days flat. Ignoring the SpermClan makes things a whole lot easier in our blended family adventure... particularly when they cant say crap about it since SS was an adult.

Kids are smart. They know who their REAL parents are. Being a REAL parent has nothing to do with biology and everything to do with taking the responsibilities and actions of parenting. A kid, particularly in a blended family situation, can have a number of REAL parents be they either a REAL mom or a REAL dad. In our case our son only had one REAL mom and one REAL dad. The SpermIdiot was and remains a waste of skin and flotsam on the shallow and polluted end of my son's gene pool. The kid made his choice.

Your kid is working through it. He is young. And by all indications he may be one of those fortunate Skids that has both a REAL BioMom and a REAL SM. Do what you can to work through your feelings on this and come out the other side in a place where you can do what is right for your son.

Our son chose to call me Dad(dy) and to call his BioDad Dad(dy) FirstName when he was in our home... where he lived full time except for 7wks a year visitation (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) in SpermLand. When he was there he would call me dad and they would jump his shit for it. It was confusing for him when he was young but that fact that he stood his ground used to piss them off to no end. As he got older we had a couple of incidents where he returned hom from visitation and commented that "(SpermGrandHag) says I can't call you Dad and that you are not my real dad, you are only my StepDad." These incidents were not catastrophic for our side of the equation because we had always spoken with the SKid about BioDads, StepDads and REAL dads. His mom and I focused on keeping it positive and workable and helping him work through his SpermClan's toxicity on the subject.

Our definitions are:

BioDad - The dad that made you with your mom.

StepDad - The dad that is married to your mom.

REAL dad- The dad that works hard to provide a nice, safe, warm and dry home for you to live in, safe transportation for you to ride in, good food to eat, a safe neighborhood to live in, good schools for you to go to, helps you learn to tie your shoes, read & write, ride your bike, reads you a bedtime story every night, coaches your sports teams, and loves you and your mom very much. (Yes, we said that which I know is a bit snarky... but... it is what it is in our case.)

The SpermIdiot never married after he divorced the 16yo he was perpetrating statutory rape with when we went to court to battle the SpermClan's attempt to gain custody of SS when he was a toddler. He didnt want us putting her on the stand to nail his ass for repeated statutory rape in court (My DW was 16 when SS was born, the SpermIdiot was 22, so he is not only a statutory rapist, he is a serial statutory rapist.) He married her so she could not be forced to testify. Since then he added three more out of wedlock spawn with two more baby mamas. He is a dirtbag.

So... it worked well for us in raising my SS.

Good luck and stay positive.

This is can be a tough one.

Sincere regards,