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Kiko83's picture

Submitted by Kiko83 on Thu, 09/19/2019 - 7:02am

Forums: 
Disengaging

every week when the kids go to their dads.... I swear to myself....   I will disengage ..... I willl walk away when they start to behave crazy,,,,, I will let their mom handle it all.   But when the moments happen ... temperature rises,,,,,  mom lets things slide.... and I start to become livid ....   I don’t know how to disengage..... I live here too... this affects me also

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Thu, 09/19/2019 - 8:10am

Is your partner custodial parent to her kids?  If so, it will be a lot harder to disengage than if you only had kids on weekends etc. As you say, you live there too.  I have been disengaged for many years but we only had SDs every other weekend, and tbh, if I could go back and change it all, I might not have disengaged.  It is frustrating and lonely sometimes. 

Do you and your partner have different ideas about behaviour?  sounds like she puts up with things you would not.  Have you talked to her about this?  How long have you been together - and what age are the kids? 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Submitted by DHsfamilyfromhell on Thu, 09/19/2019 - 9:29am

Disengagement for beginners - go and make a cup of tea or coffee and go and have yourself 5 minutes of well earned peace and quiet. Then resume normal service. 

Kiko83's picture

Submitted by Kiko83 on Thu, 09/19/2019 - 4:30pm

I am sincerely so happy to have found this website.   I have been feeling super alone lately and starting to feel depressed. thank you guys for taking the time to respond and provide feedback. Kate and I have actually only been together 4 a year, however I have known her for 19 years. The kids are 2 4 + 7

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Fri, 09/20/2019 - 12:19am

OK so thanks for answering my question.  Considering the ages of the kids, ie quite young, and the fact you've been together only a year, in your place I would definitely try and thrash out agreement with your partner about rules and boundaries concerning behaviour and that you both enforce these.  If necessary I would have a few sessions with a couples counsellor, preferably one with experience of helping blended families.   In this kind of situation, the step parent can often end up feeling marginalised or invisible and their needs are ignored.  Pls make sure this doesn't happen to you, as very often this then ultimately leads to the end of the relationship.