I had the 3 SKs living here with my 2 bios after 4 years of visitation.  In the early years, I worked to blend us and it was more real once they lived here.  My relations with each were different: SD was volatile, manipulative but also needy so we had/have an up-and'down relationship.  OSS was/is a kind gentle person and we always got along.  YSS was/is a witty person who held me at arms length due to his loyalty bond to BM.

I acted as a mother to them all once they lived here but disengaged from YSS in his teens due to a number of factors.  I left it all to DH and frankly, it seemed like a relief to DH, YSS and me.  So, yes, it can be done.

I stopped driving him around, stopped going to school for disciplinary meetings, just stopped my efforts.  I wasn't unkind but plainly, my efforts weren't desired.  I still shopped and cooked for the family but if he didnt like the food, he usually walked to a nearby fast food place.

Again, I think he was relieved not to have to deal with me.  It felt like a failure then, now I can't think what else I could have done.  DH didn't parent him like I would have but over a long life, I've realized there are many parenting modes and the end result is they all grow up.  YSS still holds me at arms length but he's an excellent father and makes a good living.  I think his judgement is still weak and I'm secretly relieved that he lives out of town but we have what seems like a mutually respectful relationship nowadays and thats about all I can expect but that's enough.

Good luck.

I have but my situation is different, 2 BM's, one lives with us and the other out of state.

However, with SS being in college, it would be easier to build/keep your relationship with him seperate from SD. I think you can do it and wouldn't blame you a bit! There comes a point where you have had enough and you are absolutely there! 

I never treated my sons the same, each had a special type of needs/wants/personalities. That should apply to SKiddos too. 

I am disengaged from SS20.  SS24 and I have a wonderful relationship.

If SS20 comes to dinner or any event at our home, DH makes the meals and makes SS20 help clean up.  I do not do any of it.  SS24 lives with us and the 3 of us take turns cooking, cleaning up and deciding on dessert.

I also do not attend nor pay attention to anything that SS20 has.  After he pulled his stuff, I stopped taking him to baseball, football and hockey and he needed to get rides to and from.  We live over 45 minutes from fields, friends, etc. but if DH was working then SS20 needed to get his own way there and home.  

At first it was hard, but my DH knows why it is this way and he supports me fully on my decision.

I responded to your blog post question about this too. But I'll summarize here.

Yes, you can disengage from one and not the other. If one is refusing to participate in your household or communicate with her father (and/or you) then why would she be considered "part of the household?" This means she doesn't get the same benefits; she's still your DH's daughter and he should be working on that relationship (see my blog post resonse to you), but she can remain separate.

If you did invite her to a holiday meal would she go?  I'd recommend she be invited - IF she can be civil. DH used to invite OSD when she first PAS'd out to holidays here, vacations we took with only YSD, outings, etc. She would invariably turn him down, not respond, or not show up. (Also, thanks BM for supporting a healthy parent relationship - SARC)  DH invited her on a trip to Euorope when she was 15 (a famiily trip) and she went but was horrible to deal with. And that was the last trip invitation.

It took me a while longer to disengage from YSD, and I feel bad sometimes about that, but DH was being so overprotective with YSD that my work and time with her to get her more independent and growning up that he would undermine and argue with me about what I was doing (oh the horror of making her go to the grocery store with me, or making her call me/text when she didn't need a ride from me after all, leaving me waiting for 20 minutes with no response to my calls/texts to her)....anyway, you've got to leave it with DH. Concentrate and be happy with the ones you have and who appreciate it.

I dont' think it's that you don't pretend she doesn't exist, but you can acknowledge and ask DH how the game was, if traffic was bad when he drove SD somewhere, etc. You just don't have any parental role whatsoever. 

Note:  Once it was clear OSD was not going to reconcile or work with DH on her estrangment, and that BM was fully supporting OSDs decision (no meetings, no therapy agreed to, nothing), I decided that I was not going to send any cards or gifts. DH alone would handle that, and he did. I was the lowest person in her world really.

You absolutely can have two different relationships with the two skids...and I'm curious what BM's plans are for Christmas.. 

in my mind (not sure what the CO says).. it would make sense for the kids (both of them) to celebrate Christmas at mom's and then with dad on a near but not exact date... and your kids would likely be with you on that day right?  

I get his daughter is a pill.. girls like that.. even under better circumstances can be like that... unfortunately.  I'm sure her mom isn't helping that though.  

It doesn't seem logical to force blending that no one wants.. not your kids.. not his.  even if his son is accepting.. he doesn't have to "live" the skid life so he has less at stake really.  I'm not sure exactly if you meant extended family.. outside your own kids.. though???  

You can have them all together too though.. and that doesn't mean you have to ice his daughter out.. but you can certainly engage with people who want to do that with you.. and let her just get dad's attention

I do it. My SD9 is like one of my own and I love her, and I get along with her mom. Her mom is invited to all family functions and it's nice. I'd prefer it to be this way. 

However, his twins mother is a horrific evil bitch. Lies nonstop, teaches her twins to lie, doesn't care for them physically and sadly they are following moms footsteps. I'm afraid to be alone with them bc they already have lied to their mom (or who knows, mom could have made it up bc she's so bad with lying) saying I was blowing drug smoke in their faces trying to get them high and beating them with belts, which is fucking insane. They are FIVE coming up with this crap, and I've heard them say it. I will not allow them to be near me without recording constantly as a backup. 

Mom pulled them out of school so she didn't have to work while she was getting cash assistance, but once they go to school I know they will lie about us and I will have every moment on recording to protect myself. 

My husband says he wants their behaviour to change but never follows thru on consequences and they terrorize their sister. 

Their mom has also lied (example, the reason they still wear diapers at HER HOUSE is because I put them on them ... at HER HOUSE.) about me to my husband, stupid as hell lies that made me realize there will be no relationship with this woman and she just needs to die and reduce the collateral damage she causes to the children. It's sad. She ODed December 2021 and now can't walk or function and is trying to keep the twins from us. I wish we could write them off entirely bc as long as mom is in the picture those children are screwed. It's sad and I seriously wonder the spiritual consequences of me wishing this woman dead, but everyone who knows her and us feel the same way, that she needs to just be gone for the sale of the twins until she gets her shit together, but she is one of those ppl who will likely never get it together and is just a sad lesson to other ppl.