Is disengaging worthwhile?
We get my husband’s daughter EVERY weekend. We both work M-F and get his daughter every weekend, so that means absolutely no quality time for our marriage. I have the same issues as most, there’s no discipline or structure, Husband doesn’t involve me in any decision making, it’s like having the worst house guest over every weekend. I have not been allowed to be involved in any discipline even when she’s back-talking and disrespecting me. Husband doesn’t stick up for me and even disrespects me in front of her. She manipulates him and can do no wrong in his eyes and every way I feel is selfish and childish according to my husband. So, I’ve decided to disengage. Seemed nice for a while, like “not my problem.” But now I feel like I don’t even exist in my own home, and having to disengage every weekend just feels like I’m disengaging from my life. Is it even worthwhile to be in this relationship if I have to disengage from it most of the time. I feel like I just need to find someone else that actually wants to be with me and apart of my life. My husband tells me it’s not forever, she’ll be a teenager and will grow up soon and then we’ll have time. I don’t think I should wait around and be miserable in hopes that one day this relationship might be enjoyable. Is it really worth the wait?
I agree! Why should you have
I agree! Why should you have to wait?
My formerSO thought that I should "ignore" his feral son's behavior - behavior that had direct affect to myself and baby. How? Why?
Not for me. I left.
You have many red flags
You have many red flags flying. Not sure how old your SD is, but it sounds like you have at least 5+ years till she's 18. Take a look at the adult forum. Even grown doesn't necessarily solve your problems. Your husband does not see you as a priority. If life was going to wait until SD was grown - why did he date and marry now? Tell him to look you up when she's gone. Who wants to put life on hold for years.
Welcome to the site!
I have been disengaged for 15+ years, but we only had my SDs for every other weekend and holiday periods so I did at least have every second weekend as quality time with my DH. I disengaged before I knew there was a term for it and long before I encountered this site. It helped me because I then felt I didn't have to deal with the shit, nor engage in outings and trips where I felt marginalised and the SDs were actively hostile. My DH now realises that he should have stepped up and exerted a LOT more discipline with them, and not allowed them to treat me that way - but like a lot of non custodial bio parents he was afraid of losing his children, so he didn't.
However, as you have already realised, after disengaging, one feels invisible, of no importance, and lonely. Although it would have been harder, I think looking back, it was only ever an unsatisfactory answer and if I had it all to do again, I like to think I would have advocated more for myself and not been such a mat for people to walk on. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though, and I had lots of issues myself, I was coming out of an abusive first marriage and still had very low self esteem.
If your DH actually disrespects you in front of his child, I would think very seriously about whether to stay with him - my DH never did this. As others say, it is a long old road in front of you and problems do not end when the SKIDs turn 18.
So grateful for this forum
Wow, I am so grateful for all of your feedback! It's so nice to have a place to feel heard. So much great advice, I really appreciate it. Thank you!
Real issue
I think I agree that the majority of the problem lies within our marriage, and not so much the blended family aspect. My husband does act completely different when his daughter is around, and mostly since I started disengaging. We would argue alot when I tried to have input on parenting her, mostly beacuse she was turning our world upside down every weekend. But now that I'm actively try to stay out of all parenting activities, it seems like my husband is disengaging from our relationship almost like a punishment. It's a lose-lose situtation. I feel abandoned every weekend, and then he's back to normal during the work week.
I don't have anything against the kid, but it's hard not to have resentment towards her because everything's fine when she's not around, and when she is my husband dissappers. I know that's not her fault, it's definitely my husband's, but it's really hard not to feel that way sometimes.
I think I need to find more stuff to do outside of our relationship and have my own life, but that makes me sad though too. I thought that's one of the reasons people get married, is because they finally found that person they want to hang out with. But I'm going to focus on filling my life.
I feel you so much! My
I feel you so much! My situation is in a way easier than yours, in some way harder. I moved alone to this country where I live now at age of 18 leaving my parents and relatives behind. So my DH, who I really love and loves me, is all I have for a family here. Been married with him for 2,5 years, my SS was every other week in our place when he and BM lived in the same city with us. SS seemed fine at the beginning when we met. Then it turned out that he isn't an easy kid after all. Sometimes he just doesn't talk to me at all, like I don't exist, and barely answers when I talk to him. I wished that he'd talk mean to me or demand something from me like the other difficult kids, like at least they notice your existence. I'd like to talk and do things with him but it was onesides. He still of course talks to his dad and wants to do things with him. DH often tried to involve me in the activities so I wouldn't feel left out. But still it's doesn't feel good knowing that someone doesn't really want you involved. Also it is just harder for me because the culture+language differences plus they have the same interests in computer stuff about which I can say nothing. So often when SS is with us, I escape to other places like the city library, even though I'm tired after work or during weekend when I really want to relax. Now I know this is called disengaging. Anyway I was really starting to suffocate knowing that it's gonna last like this for at least 6 years. Before the summer however the BM decided to move with SS to their hometown. It was such relieve for me but of course sad news for DH. Now SS visits every third weekend and 'all the possible holidays' as he said. Then more money is paid to BM monthly and extra money goes to SS's saving's account. And when SS is visiting they want more time togther just the two of them. It's only great for them that I withdraw myself away. I'm just not wanted or missed. Of course it's natural what they want. But there're reasons why being a single parents is a warning sign on the market especially for childless. Ok we did kind of 'signed up for it ourselves' but at least they should acknowledge that we gave up a lot what we expect from a relationship for them. Well I really couldn't believe when I complained to DH about SS being rude to me and how I scared to even try to talk with him, DH's answer was 'what can I do when you have problem with my son!' I'd imagine if I was in his shoes, I'd talk to my kid and try to create harmony between them...
I admit that my life is also rahter empty. As I said no other family closeby, not many friends, nothing much other than work. Normally hard to socialize being a foreigner. My salary doesn't allow me to do hobbies in this expensive country where everything costs a lot, eg. dancing lessons that I wanna join. We're also saving up for our own house so I'm tight with money. I'm trying to get into medical school so I will be financially stronger and otherwide more confident. That also stresses me out because all the time I'm reading or thinking that I should read to the exam. I can't really just chill out and relax much. But I'm most of the time alone by myself, so I still need my DH around very much. The disengaging thing hurts, but still better than being the third wheel in my own home. All this stress is most likely causing me not able to get pregnant all this time with DH. I feel that once I have someone of my own, I wouldn't be that attached to him. I share so much expectations and opinions about relationship with you. Maybe it's just wrong and we really need to get stronger and more independent.
The beauty of being an NCP is
The beauty of being an NCP is that the NCP does not have to take even CO'd time with their kids. Time to tell your SO that EWE is now going to be EOWE or at least one WE a month without the SKid.
I would if I were you.
For some reason people in blended family marriages forget that both spouses have the right to a life. For a non breeding spouse in a blended family marriage that is just as true as it is for the breeding spouse. That means EWE should never be a thing IMHO. Even for a single NCP. Life is not about children. But children are a part of life for many. This is an important distinction IMHO. Those who are all about their kids all of the time are not worth a crap as parents IMHO. They are not raising confident responsible children IMHO. Kids need boundaries and that includes boundaries that preserve quality of life for parents, SParents, etc.....
Why does the CP get their weekends kid free? Nope, even if the CO says EWE visiation the NCP does not have to do EWE visitation. And shouldn't IMHO.
Put your foot down and get half of your weekends back. If your DH refuses, then you know where you stand. You are not his priority and as his DW you and your marriage should be his sole priority. Kids do not trump spouses as priority... ever. Kids are the top responsibility but never the priority over a spouse.
Your husband has the attitude and perception of many
Bio parents that their kids with ex will just snap out of that behaviour except how can they?? They haven’t been told its unacceptable and as far as they are concerned that behaviour is perfectly fine to continue even when its not.
In actuality the behavioural issues amp up as they get older and they push your boundaries even more.
i actually told my husband he was a crap dad to parent like that and allow this shit to continue and that he and his kids were so toxic that i felt divorce was the only option
my husband knows i have disengaged and want nothing to do with his toxic ferals.
Op, you don’t have any chemistry with your partner anymore, that spark and connection is gone and sd adds to that feeling even more when you see that he does not respect you.
when your partner treats you like shit, doesn’t stick up for you, he has no respect for you so why not find someone who will actually treat you well and respect you?
Sounds like disengaging might
Sounds like disengaging might not be working for you. You should first make it loud and clear what expectations you have. Big time discipline things I leave to the bioparents, but you should be able to expect baseline levels of manners and respect and rules that need to be followed in your home! This relationship is not just about taking care of the kids. You share a household, there are multiple relationships going on simultaneously that need to be tended to. And your husband and SD need to learnwhat you will and will not tolerate. Now if you've already made all this known and you don't see any effort on their part, then maybe you disengage to avoid it all and make a point, but at that point you might get so disengaged that you leave eventually.
Of course it is! This BS
Of course it is! This BS outdated view that we have to leave the men or women were with just because we dont like the kids is ridiculous.
lets put it in perspective. Most of us hate our jobs hate getting up and all that, but we do it anways and carry on regardless. Same for all things thorugh life school etc, college. And Skids are no different. As long as your other half sees his kid now and again you dont have to be involved. You dont cook for them and you dont buy them stuff. You dated and involved with the dad, his offspring dont need to be a faxtor in a split. Only if you dont get along.
There is nothing wrong or proof that this affects them any more then BM drama and lies. So take no notice of those who are scared to stand up for themselves and do what you want!