How do you disengage w/o resentment?
I'm engaged to a wonderful man who is a lousy father simply because he is scared to parent. I have three grown sons who were raised with rules and structure. My fiancé's son is now 18 and in grade 12. The only issues we have have been with his son, which is a huge part of why we haven't got married yet. ( I'm the one with concerns) When I watch his son Text at the dinner table I'm floored, when he has no curfew I am in shock, when he won't eat what's cooked for him because he has grown up living on fast food I am stumped. Trust me I don't keep quiet about it, I explain that it is our job to raise our kids to be adults who are full functioning in society and that requires them to learn responsibilities. I'm gentle with the son when I say something and have had hours of chats with my fiancé saying "it's your job to parent, why aren't you?! " When I talk and explain myself my fiancé says he totally understands and he tries to implement different things but then has no follow through. He can ask his son on Sunday to shovel the driveway and his son said he'll do it tomorrow, and then his dad will ask him the next day if he shovelled and he said no maybe I'll get to it in two days and so on . His son lived with me full-time for a year but then went back to living at his moms just saying it was easier to live there and go to school. (He got Speedo g and stunting tickets and caused damage to his car... a car he pays $50 biweekly back to his dad for buying him after he wrecked his first car joy riding). He didn't express that he was frustrated by having structure but I knew that's why he went back and stayed. He doesn't even come when my fiancé is home from work unless his dad asks about going out for pizza. Recently I read a text message from my fiancé's ex who said her son doesn't want to live here because of our rules. I am fine with that but a little disheartened that he didn't have that conversation with us. I have concerns however with a child who was raised with no rules and no structure and just been given money, it hurts me that he blows his dad off who certainly does try to communicate with him but gets dismissed and it's build resentment in me Seeing different behaviours in his son. I realize it's not entirely his fault but because of how he was raised he is self entitled in everything.
Wonderful man and lousy
Wonderful man and lousy father. Those are logically mutually exclusive titles and pretty much not possible.
Keep in mind that even when they are adults and launched the products of this failed father will never be gone from your life. They are like cockroaches. You can spray for them but once they are established over time they will always return and failed daddy will act as a failed daddy..
Resentment might always be
Resentment might always be part of it. It can take a long time to feel good about disengaging, and only you can decide if it's a good strategy for you or not. But disengagement is a good way to put the focus back on your marriage instead of all the rudeness of the skids.
In the case of the 18-year old... he's been poorly parented and is unlikely to change until something/someone other than his parents show him the light. Your DH has demonstrated that he doesn't have the capacity to parent his son. I think THAT is was I'd be resentful about the most.
Disengagement can mean some freedom for you. So what if he texts at the table? You go on and have a conversation with DH and exclude the rude boy. When he breaks curfew, so what? You don't have to do anything about it, and you don't have to be quiet the next morning while he is trying to sleep either.
Ask yourself if the skid's behavior affects you, beyond the irritation factor. Is it costing you time or money? Generally if something doesn't affect me I let it go. DH can handle it or not. DH can talk with me about it or not. But when it does affect me, I have no trouble speaking up because I won't be taken advantage of.
You might have to engage in some self-talk for a while until you can more easily ignore the rude behavior. But over time it gets easier.
Yes you can be great AND a lousy father
I wouldn't think you could be a wonderful man and a lousy father either but let me explain that he was married for a year and a half and in that time. His ex cheated on him and told him she was pregnant and didn't know if it was his child or not and he has raised this child as his own. Deep down I think he is scared that if he disciplines his child he will in someway lose him so I think the fact that it may not be his Is always in the back of his mind even though he says it's not. I see no other reason why a parent would be scared to enforce rules and structure but the boy has very much run the household. No we won't be having kids together I guess I just for see issues down the road with the child having no structure and yes I'm frustrated that my spouse hasn't provided any.
Yes you can be great AND a lousy father
I wouldn't think you could be a wonderful man and a lousy father either but let me explain that he was married for a year and a half and in that time. His ex cheated on him and told him she was pregnant and didn't know if it was his child or not and he has raised this child as his own. Deep down I think he is scared that if he disciplines his child he will in someway lose him so I think the fact that it may not be his Is always in the back of his mind even though he says it's not. I see no other reason why a parent would be scared to enforce rules and structure but the boy has very much run the household. No we won't be having kids together I guess I just for see issues down the road with the child having no structure and yes I'm frustrated that my spouse hasn't provided any.