How to keep your cool and remember to disengage?
Hello. I am new here. This is my first post like this anywhere. This will be long, but I'd like some honest feedback on what I am doing wrong. Settle in for a long one, and thank you in advance.
I grew up in an abusive, violent home with an alcoholic father and emotionally absent mother. I have said since I was a small child that I never wanted children of my own. I have suffered with suicidal thoughts and depression since I was as young as 2 because of my father telling me I ruined his life and should have never been born, etc. I have been to therapy for it. I am in a much better place than I used to be. My husband has literally saved my life. He is a wonderful kind man who has saved my life and helped me so much.
When we started dating, I knew he had kids. I was already iffy on dating him because of it. But he was so kind an nice, I fell in love with him. I spent time with the kids and him, it was all fun and games, then time to go home. I thought "ok maybe I can handle this parenting thing. I might not be perfect, but maybe I won't be awful". So now of course here we are married. The first year or so were decent. Me and my husband never argue, except over the children. That is literally the only thing we have ever argued about. Now it seems we argue every day his son(14) is here.
His son isnt a bad kid. I have seen some of the kids he goes to school with, if he was like them, I have no doubt I would have already divorced his father no matter how much I love him. But he still does things that just infuriate me to no end. Honestly, every little thing he does wrong infuriates me. And I dont let it go, for days. I feel like the evil step mother. I am so tired of being the bad guy. Let me give you a little more background and explanation.
As I write this, I have to stop from calling him "my" son so I dont confuse everyone. He doesnt visit his mother, its been years. She has picked his sister over him. Let me sum it up for you, one chiristmas his sister got an ipad, and he got a sponebob fishing pole. She even gave me his baby book. She has practically disowned him. Its so sad and I completely empathize with him, since I have an abusive father who never aknowledged me as his daughter. I know I cant replace his mother, but I am the only mother figure he has. To his friends, at the doctor, at school, he refers to me as his mom and I am written on his paperwork as his mom. He doesn't actually call me Mom, he calls me by my name, but that doesnt bother me. I still call him my son to everyone around me, cause I do love him like my own and I consider him my son. But I think thats the problem, because I love him like my own, I expect from him what I would expect from my own child.
So here are some examples of my frustration. He has no chores. At 14 years old, he has no chores around the house. I grew up on a farm, my childhood was nothing but work, and I don't want that for him. All I ask of him are simple things:
1. Turn your dirty clothes right side out before putting them in the dirty clothes basket, it helps me doing laundry.
2. Empty your pants pockets of toys, etc. before putting them in the dirty clothes basket.
3. Put your toothbrush and toothpaste back in the holder so I don't have to pick it up to clean the sink.
4. Put your shoes back on the shoe rack out of the way so I don't have to pick them up to vacuum.
5. Hang your coat up on the coat rack by the door instead of throwing it down in your room.
6. Brush your hair everyday and put on deodorant.
7. Put on your belt everyday and stop sagging.
8. If you use something, if it was neat before, it better be neat when your done.
9. If you drop food, clean it up.
I only ask very basic things like this. I dont ask him to clean my house, but I do ask him not to make it harder on me when I do the cleaning by myself. I feel like for instance if I am the one who always vacuumes, then he can atleast put his shoes up on the rack so I don't have to pick them up to vacuum. I feel like its the least I am owed. Basically I just want him to only pick up after himself, not do chores that affect everyone, just himself.
Before everyone gets judgemental, my husband does help around the house when he is home. But he works full time and I am home all day because I am a full time online student. Back when we both worked full time, we both split choes equally between us. But now that he works and I dont, I feel its inappropriate to still expect him to do half when I am home all day. When I go back to the work force, we will resume splitting chores between us equally.
Anyways, when my step son cant even do these, what I feel are very basic, tasks I am infuriated. Infuriated might be an understatement. And I won't let it go for days. I know I have issues all my own to work out. I get too angry too quick. That is not my step sons fault. But me and my husband have been together over 6 years and at 14 years old my step son still hasn't mastered these basic things. For 6 years I have lived with what is now a teenager that literally has no chores or responsibilities, and still cant be bothered to help me out enough to clean the $hit out of his pockets before putting them in the dirty laundry. Now that he is 14 I have tried to push my luck a little further, going as far as to actually ask him to take his laundry basket (he has his own in his closet) to the laundry room for me. He still leaves dirty laundry in the bottom of his closet and it enrages me. When he is blantantly disrespectful my husband will speak to him and he is in trouble, but things like that, my husband doesnt understand my anger. For over a year he wouldn't put his toothbrush and toothpaste back in the holder. Every single day I quietly put it back, till I finally couldn't take it anymore. My husband just doesnt seem to understand why I get so angry about it. The other day I was watching him while my husband was at work. I had to go to town, so I told him to get ready to leave in the next few minutes. I have repeatedly told him that "getting ready" involves putting on real clothes and brushing his hair and putting on deodorant. I had to ask him 4 times to brush his hair and put on deodorant. Now that, he did get in trouble with my husband for. But the thing is, he does that all the time. He will not do anything that I ask. My husband "talks" to him, grounds him from the video game for a week or two, but afterwards everything is the same. I understand kids make mistakes, hell adults make mistakes, none of us are perfect. I understand kids wont get it the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and maybe not the 4th time either. But after the 20th time of being grounded for the same thing, if it were my decision, I am done with the grounding. The way I see it, by then grounding isn't working. Id start getting rid of the video games one by one till he learned that actions can have permanent and not just week long consequences. But my husband says you cant permanently take things away or it leads to resentment. Ultimately it is his decision and I try not to argue that.
I feel I do so much cleaning and doing for him, and he has no consideration or respect for me at all. I almost failed a test because instead of studying myself, I helped him with his algebra homework instead (dont judge my husband, he tried and didnt understand it). I don't mind to help him, I loved helping him. It brought such joy to my heart to see him perk up and feel good about himself when he finally understood. What pissed me off was the next day when I was trying to clean my house in a hurry so I could start my own homework, he poured soup broth down the sink and left it splattered and dried all over the sink after he had just watched me scrub it. Here I spent all that time helping him with his work, and now that I am behind on my work and trying to get the house clean so I can finish it, he cant even rinse the f****** sink out after I just cleaned it?! He can't even care about me and what I try to do around here enough to just not make things harder? Again, I don't ask him to clean my house, I just ask him not to do things like that and make it harder on me. He has no regard for anything I do for him. I have spent hours this week trying to find him a car since he is 14 and drivers ed isn't too far away. We are trying to find him something affordable, but still nice, we aren't just settling on crap. I want him to not be embarassed and have a clunker, I want it to be something he likes. I have been trying so hard spending hours looking online for him, yet he cant take all his laundry to the f****** laundry room for me?! He wants a new bed. I already ordered him a nice memory foam mattress from Amazon, and have been trying so hard to find him a nice bedframe I can afford, yet he cant even put his toothbrush in the holder for me so i don't have to pick it up to clean the sink?! It has been this way for so long I am just at my wits end. Maybe this repetition is why I get so angry so fast. Or maybe I'm just messed up and need to work on myself more with it. I just dont know anymore.
Me and my husband had a pretty bad arguement about all of this last night. I swear we usually have a perfect marriage. We are usually best friends. We usually love spending every waking moment together. We used to work together, and everyone would talk about how they couldn't handle being around their spouse that long. Well we aren't like that, we loved it and did it for years. But we have this exact same arguement almost every week and..... have you ever loved someone so much, but felt so far apart, but wanted to be close so bad you cant stand it, but not want to be in the same room, all at the same time? This argument is the one thing that just tears us apart. I'm currently shut up in our bedroom while he is in the living room. We usually cant stand being in separate rooms. Let me put it this way, we are big gamers and we have 2 PS4s and 2 TVs in the living room side by side with a reclining loveseat so we can be together. I hear him go to the bathroom to throw up every now and then. We are usually the perfect best friends, but this one argument is killing us and I don't know what to do. I want to be close to him so bad my heart physically hurts, but I don't even wanna be in the same room with him right now. If I am honest, I absolutely can't wait for my step son to grow up and move out so our marriage can go back to being happy like when he used to spend time away with his mom. I feel like an awful person for saying that, I know I am, but its how I feel and I wish I didn't. I tell my husband how I feel. He crys and apologizes for being a bad husband and father and says he's trying. Then he shows me articles that this is just normal teenage behavior. They dont have fully formed brans so they arent capable of remembering or paying attention. Well I grew up on the farm. At half his age I had way more responsibilities. He cant pay attention enough to notice he left dirty clothes on the floor of his closet, well when I was way younger than him, "not noticing" that the chickens were out of water in the middle of summer could kill a whole flock. I always paid attention to my chores, before I was anywhere near as old as he is now. I always made sure to scrub the algae out of the water troughs completely. I always made sure to clean the horse stalls completely. My parents just used me for manual labor the moment I was big enough. My childhood was nothing but work. I don't want that for my step son, so thats why I dont argue with my husband about his lack of chores. But I dont buy all these articles that call this "forgetfulness" and "lack of attention" normal. I know they will some, I totally get that, no one is perfect. This is everything though, every single day. I call bull$hit. This just aint normal. This is simply not caring about others and what they do, and pure laziness.
I love him like my own, I swear I do. But I find the more involved I get with him, the more he doesn't act the way I would expect a child of mine to act, and I get angry and frustrated. I think its best I love him, but from a distance. My husband needs to just handle everything to do with him. Id rather have a distant, but not negative relationship with him instead of one where I am super involved but an 'evil step mom" in his eyes. I guess my point of this rant is, how do i remember to disengage? Like what is a strategy I can do to keep myself calm when he does things like that that make me want to blow my top? Do any of you have certain coping mechanisms or something that you use in times like that to remind you not to get angry or say anything, and just let your husband deal with it? I find he makes me so mad sometimes I just blurt it out and I need a way to remind myself to stay composed and let my husband deal with it.
This sounds like normal kid
This sounds like normal kid behavior. If you don't give kids chores, how on earth do they learn to take care of themselves?
1. Stop doing the laundry. My kids started doing their own at age 2. They could sort with help, put it in, and pair their socks up.
2. If he doesn't pick up his stuff in the common areas, confiscate it, he can earn it back with chores.
3. Let natural consequences happen with the hygiene and appearance.
4. If he leaves food on the floor, either have him clean the entire floor, or stop buying the snacks.
Let me add a little more.
Let me add a little more. Part of our argument last night, my husband claimed I had an attitude with his son when he didnt deserve it. Not gonna lie, I very probably did. But this child literally wont do anything I ask. Never has all these years. How dare I start to develope an attitude in my interactions with him. I know, two wrongs dont make a right, it was still wrong of me and as the adult it is still my problem I need to work on. I just didnt feel like my husband had the right to get mad at me about it. I told him if he doesnt like my attitude, then he should stop the behaviors I point out to him.
For instance, I was washing dishes and his father was outside. Since my step son was going outside anyway (cause I dont dare inconvience him and be the evil step mom that makes him do stuff) I asked him if he would ask his father a question for me. He comes in a few minutes later so I am like ok what did your dad say. He didnt feel like it so he didnt ask him.
Things like this, all the time. He doesnt do anything I ask. For some reason my husband wont stop arguing with me about the fact that he indeed doesnt do anything I ask. Its like he is in denial. He is just oh its not that bad, he does most of the stuff you ask. No. No he does not. I used to tell my husband everytime he didnt do as I ask, but it just leads to this same argument. So I just quietly deal with it and do things and clean and pick up by myself, till I get so pissed and finally say something. I know if I dont tell my husband, I cant get mad at him for not doing anything about it. But I just got so tired of the same song and dance. Step son is disrespectful and doesnt mind, I get angry, I tell husband, he gets upset woe is me Im an awful father and husband Im sorry but Im trying and he isnt that bad, he grounds him for a week or two right after our argument so I am the bad guy to my step son cause its obvious he is only in trouble cause I got mad about it, I feel like an evil awful person, and its just this cycle. I hate it and I want it to stop.
I love my husband with every fiber of my being. But I need advice on how to keep my cool and just let it go and let them do whatever until he moves out so my marriage can go back to us being best friends and happy again.
GoingWicked I totally agree
GoingWicked I totally agree with you on most all of that.
He wont do laundry if I ask. If I try to make him sort and do laundry, he will just half a$$ it and I got so tired of fighting him over it cause as a step parent I dont feel as if its my place.
I agree with you about confiscating things he doesnt pick up. But if I confiscate his shoes and hoodies and such, then he will try and tell his grandparents and teachers that I am an evil step mother denying him basic necessities.
I have tried to do like you say about hygiene. Let him get made fun of at school for smelling bad if he dont wanna wear deodorant. But its kinda embarassing to be seen with him in public like that..
Again, not buying him snacks he will cry to my in laws and his teachers that I deny him basic necessities. And like with the laundry, unless I hover over him and be hateful and force him to, he will only half a$$ clean the floor.
If I was the one who pushed him out, oh you can bet I would have implemented those things a LONG time ago in a heartbeat without another thought. But as a step parent, I just feel that isnt my responsibility. It should be his biological parent.
I keep telling my husband he has no life skills. You are exactly right about him not having chores and knowing nothing about taking care of himself. He is an adult in 4 more years and he cant even wash a dish right. I got tired and decided if the family wanted clean dishes, by god they could wash them. Watching him try to clean a single fork for himself, it was sad a pathetic.... But if I try to make him learn these things, it just ends in arguing. I am so sick of the fighting and arguing and being the bad guy all the time. My husbands says he is "trying" and "talking" to him. I tell him I an sick of the "trying". He has been "trying" for too f****** long. Its time to MAKE him, but he says it doesnt work that way.
Here is a big hug. Welcome to
Here is a big hug. Welcome to Step Talk,
Let gooooooooooooooooo. Completely let go.
Dad does everything.
Vacuum around his stuff, don't ask ss to move it. Dad does his wash. IF his clothing is dirty, dad does it. IF he has no clean clothing--remember it is his DAD who left his clothing go, not you. SS is his son.
IF ss doesn't take a shower or brush his hair--you can ask, hey did you take a shower? IF ss tells you no...so OK thanks. LET IT GO.
When you want to go out to eat,,,IF you want to come with us go take a shower. You have 30minutes and we are leaving.
Take a deep breath and let it goooooooooo.
Do you have bio's of your own. Focus on them, dad will focus, sooner or later on his child.
Hang in there. OK? Remember this is your husbands son. You are his wife, SS has a father living right there to take care of him.
No more fighting about his son....it is not worth it.
I dont have children of my
I dont have children of my own. I have never planned on it, and honestly having step kids has definitely confirmed that feeling for me.
But you are right. It is his son. He is not my responsibility.
We used to have such a happy marriage until he stayed with us permanently, and I miss it. Your right, the arguing isnt worth it. I have to let it go. If I stop doing for him, then I wont be so insulted when he is inconsiderate, and should be able to let it go easier. I think I struggle to let it go right now because I havent stopped doing yet.
You and a couple others have mentioned just not going out in public with him if he doesnt clean himself, that thought never occured to me lol
Thank you everyone for taking
Thank you everyone for taking time to read my rant and give your insight on things. I am seeing a couple things a little differently now. I need to seriously step back. It is not possible nor my responsibility to try and replace his mother who left. I will continue to love him and want him to grow into a happy successful adult, but i will no longer be a part of that parenting process. If he grows into a functional adult or not is completely up to my husband and has nothing to do with me and is not my responsibility. Unless he can show me some consideration, and Im not holding my breath for it, i think disengaging is the best thing for him and me and my marriage. I think its time I leave the bedroom and have a talk with my husband about boundaries and what will and will not be my responsibility from here on out.... after I figure out what exactly to say...
I feel so selfish for saying this, but right now my main concern is my marriage. I miss my best friend and it hurts so bad. Fixing my marriage is going to be my top priority.
I dont think of my grandma as my step grandma, cause shes just always been my grandma thats been there for me and loved me. I just now realized she might be a good person to call right now.
Chise, I truly love you! You
Chise, I truly love you! You just figured out in one post what most of us have struggled with and tried to figure out for years. Hang in there. You got this! Best to you.
This is a good start. The
This is a good start. The hard part is remaining disengaged. I have the same problem of 'responsibility without authority' and it p*sses me off to no end. After almost 7 years and that's never changed; my DH doesn't want it to change. I've blown up too at coming home too many times in a row to a filthy kitchen in which I have to clean before I can cook for the Xth night in a row (hint: I stopped cooking if this happened). DH then is mad at me for yelling and for asking that SD be held accountable - and HIM for being accountable. I don't mind mess, but if that mess then is stopping me from doing something THEN it becomes disrespectful of other in the house - same with expecting others to clean up for you time and again...that my time is less worthy of theirs. He just doesn't get it. So stop yelling - just walk away. I have to remind myself to do this sometimes - worse with PMS lol.
So I opted out and constantly have to remind myself to stay out. I want my YSD to become a strong young woman, independent and able to take care of herself, but DH disagrees with her learning this. So I am out.
I do no parenting, no special things, I am the disaffected aunt in the house when she's here (I've taken to calling her our Hotel Guest to my sister). She has no chores, no expectations, nothing. She's a good kid, always has been, and smart, but both DH's kids are entitled. Everyone does everything for them and that has hurt both of them in different ways.
I never discussed 'disengagement' with DH - he, I know, detests this idea. So I just slowly stopped doing things. I can now say, without guilt "no" to my DH if he wants me to do something / cover for him.
You can go back and read my blogs if you want. It's been a learning experience.
I want my YSD to become a
I want my YSD to become a strong young woman, independent and able to take care of herself, but DH disagrees with her learning this.
I completely know what you mean! I want so much for him to grow up to be a kind, considerate, functional adult and to be able to find happiness in this so often harsh world. My husband doesn't seem to always be on board with what learning to be those things entails.... but that's where I have to just let him handle it while I step back.
Easier said than done though...
Yes, I get it. 200%. If I
Yes, I get it. 200%. If I find myself getting irritated, I remove myself first and foremost from the area. I go to our room and watch a show, read a book. Go outside for a walk if I can. My key is to get.out.of.that.room that is making me mad or away from the situation. I do not hold my mouth shut easily; DH does. We communicate well, but only if I'm not angry - he reacts to my emotion (i.e. I become 'irrational' and he thinks he's the cool head). then it's no longer about the situation but my reaction to it. GASLIGHT! Remove that factor.
You are not being less of a
You are not being less of a parent by letting things go. All parents pick and choose thier battles. Parenting is exhausting some days and everything you do is trial and error. Sometimes you get it right, sometimes you go back to the drawing board.
You got it, Just remember....
We are here for you, come anytime and vent away. There will be times that SS pisses you off royally, just remember don't fight with your DH, come here and vent. It really does help. I wouldn't mention anything about disengaging, just do it, by referring EVERYTHING to your DH. If your DH mentions that SS is now putting his dirty clothes, where they are supposed to be, just tell DH "That's nice, it will be easier for you or SS to wash them now" and walk away.
So if anyone is curious about
So if anyone is curious about how our argument ended..
I left the house and parked at the gas station and talked to my grandma for a couple hours about what being a step parent to my dad and uncle was like for her. Long conversation short, she told me to make my husband handle everything, but to remember to always be kind and one day years and years from now he will look back and see how hard I tried.
I went home and asked my husband if he was feeling up for a talk. I told him some things have to change. That he needed to take over the majority of parenting, things like laundry and cooking and car shopping and all that stuff, but that I'm still cool with homework help. Not because I don't love him or care about him, but because the reason I get so angry at insignificant things is mostly cause I try to do so much for him and he walks all over me. If I take a step back, I won't find his lack of consideration to be such a snack to the face and I will be able to let things go. He said he completely understands why and supports me. I told him I'm not trying to make myself happier to just be selfish, but that negativity is toxic, and the less we are all stressed then the happier we will be as a family. I'd rather love him from a distance, than be super involved and stressed and the "evil step mom". Hearing from my grandma and others today that I am not responsible for the person he grows up to be, really just takes a weight off my shoulders. I've been shut in my room all day and when my step son came out of his room he seemed excited to talk to me, and for the first time in awhile I was also excited to talk to him and truly found his company enjoyable.
As Cover has said, remembering to remain disengaged from parenting is going to be difficult for me too. I'm gonna really have to work hard to remember to pick my battles carefully.
I'm just shocked at how easily I've been able to drop my resentment already and be joyful with him by just letting go. I can't replace his mother that left him, I can't fill that void. I can love and support him, and I will continue to do so, but the parenting and ultimately who he grows up to be is up to him and my husband. I feel a weight has been lifted. Im starting to feel like best friends with my husband again, and I believe in him that he will start taking the initiative to be the main parent.
Thanks again everyone for your time and kind words.
Good for you. I've had these
Good for you. I've had these talks with my DH too - never using the word disengagement but this meaning in various ways. Be warned that as your DH actually experiences doing almost everything you used to do, he's going to be frustrated and he's going to ask you to help. Be prepared! Will you say no? If so always explain why. Will you say yes, depending on the situation (DH has to unexpectedly work late)? Will you help but split the load with him (both you and DH cook dinner, together) from time to time? In any of these cases, esp. if you are put into a responsibility situation with your SS, explain to DH that you WILL be the adult and if DH undermines you in any way, he then immediately loses your help. And stick to it.
If you need help with specific situations, be sure to post on ST or feel free to PM me - sounds like we have a LOT in common both personality wise and step-situation wise.
PS - don't let that joy and fun you feel sucker you back in, that was my mistake, big time. I got suckered several times and it always backfired. Have fun, but remember your boundaries.
When i married my husband, ss was 15.5
He actually told his dad and uncle that it was my job as woman in the home to clean up after his lazy arse and to raise kids. He was to be king and sit on his royal arse.
his uncle set him straight immediately and my husband right away told his son that i do not even clean after his lazy inconsiderate and selfish arse, that i had a newborn baby that was a priority and he better change his attitude
ss bio mum during the divorce told the courts she didn’t want the son, that it was too much work. In reality she knew he was a man and in their asian culture women are domestic maids and men sit on their arses (such backwards thinking some of these idiots).
My husband agreed i am not responsible for caring for his kids or to clean up after them because they want to be selfish. So i go about my day.
the previous status quo changes when new members come into the household or you marry etc, skids expecting things be the same is ridiculous
There's so much to touch on
There's so much to touch on here, but I'm just going to try and keep it simple.
I can attest to at least part of this personally--it sounds like your childhood and mine had a couple similarities. I mean, not exactly--we each can own our unique experiences, but we could probably relate on a couple things...you sound a bit like me.
As a result of my upbringing, I am, essentially, a passive aggressive people pleaser. Are you as well, perhaps? There's nothing wrong with that--it just means we have to work a little harder at some things.
See, I want to do the things because I think it will make others happy and see my worth.
But then I get mad when the things are not recognized or carelessly tossed aside. Because I put SO MUCH thought into it.
And in my efforts to please those around me, I let little things that bother me slide. Until it all adds up and becomes a big, infuriating thing.
So I try to ask myself if the little thing I'm about to let slide should really slide or not. Or can I see myself becoming resentful if said little thing continues? I try to address more things as they happen so IF I have a reason to be bitter about it down the road, it's justified because I did my part to try and fix it. It's not perfect. I'm not perfect. It is tough to practice this kind of mindfulness because it goes totally against the grain of who I am.
I don't think the things you are asking are unreasonable. At 14, he could be doing a lot more. But it's not being addressed or corrected properly, and so all of these seemingly small things are adding up and turning into a much bigger thing for you. I would advise you to just not take it upon yourself to do so much. You don't need to find him a car or go out of your way to do him any great favors. Because you know you'll just end up let down by the experience. Let his dad handle all the extra stuff.
ETA: You're a good person. Your self awareness is admirable. I didn't read through eeeverything before I commented, but then I took the time to afterwards because I was identifying with you hardcore. This has been quite the inspiring thread---and I think your grandma's advice was spot on and even helped me. Take care!