It's been a very long week
Now I remember why I started helping SO with parenting. I had forgotten until this past week, how when we first got involved he was so tired and broken from the constant fighting, that I wanted to help. But, back then he had the girls all the time, so it was different BM has only gotten more involved with them this past year. The last month I left it all to him, because I had it with BMs backlash and PAS directed at me for upsetting her DD, who is a manipulative, gaslighter and the fact that SO was more than happy to have me carry the burden of doing most of the parenting, while I was the targeted bad guy from all sides. So here is how it has turned out so far. In less than a month BM can no longer leave SKs with her boyfriend during the day because of all the fighting, arguing and disrespect, and BMs oldest duaghter no longer wants them at her home either. See BM doesnt understand that when you tell your children it's ok to disrespect one adult they cant distinguish the difference and that behavior will generalize to all adults, including her. Poor SO spent all week fighting with OSD over everything to point where he was physically and emotionally exhausted when SKs finally left. I do not feel one bit sorry for BM as she created this mess by giving them so much perceived power over adults. I do feel sorry for SO but. OSD still continues to blame me for every argument even though I have not said a word to her other than good morning and I have made it a point to not be home most of the time the last month when they were here, just for that reason. I told SO I would still continue with parenting YSD because she was upset I have not been home spending time with her, and I do not want to upset her as she isnt the issue. But we agreed I was not getting involved with OSD which made OSD very happy until I explained to her what that meant. I told her she may think she can disrespect her father, but I will not tolerate her disrespecting my SO. That being said she has made it clear to me that she does not want to hear, no does she value my opinion. To which she quickly agreed with excitement. I went on the explain to her since it my stance that I do not approve of, nor condone her lying, manipulation or disrespect towards her father, and that she has made it clear that my position on those issues doesnt matter. Then as far as I am concerned it is also clear, that my financial and voluntary involvement in other things such as the purchasing of clothes, hygiene products, make up, trips, shows and all the other extracurricular activities I plan and pay for also does not matter and I will be immediately removing myself from those responsibilities as well.
Congrats on your disengagement.
As you are learning, it can be a tough start but you have to keep your momentum!
Since the BM will continue to alienate these girls against you, and has already planted those seeds in them, you have to change your whole perspective. The 12 year old may still be showing signs of attachment to you but that will change the more the older one influences her and as she gets older herself.
This is going to be the hardest part for you. How do you include the younger SD in your life when you want to disengage from the OSD? I would encourage you now to shift from your "parenting" role with her to more of one as an older mentor.
Also, I would not let your SO off the hook so easily. Your pity for his position doesn't mean that he still needs to own his share in this mess. He is the father and should be parenting them.
He definitely needs to take
He definitely needs to take the reigns on parenting. Especially with OSD. If there is any hope of her changing her behavior. BM is so focused on me, she doesn't PAS SO anymore. So any complaints OSD has always come back on me. Which I can live with, I wont lose sleep over not having the approval of a 13 yr old and her BM. You are also right about YSD and the parenting peice, I just realized she still at this time enjoys hanging out with me, so I still want to continue that relationship.
I fortuneatly learned during
I fortuneatly learned during my divorce from the cavern crotched adulterous skank whore of an XW that zero tolerance and full confrontation is a great way to immediately address bullshit from someone else and to free myself to immediately put their shit behind me and not let their crap overwhelm my joy, my life and my world. They pull shit, I bring the pain, then I go for a hike, a mountain bike adventure, dancing at a club, to work, etc.... The problem is dealt with so it does not invade my life further.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Pull shit with me, learn to suffer. The suffering of the oppositiion becomes my applied solution. Knock your shit off and your pain stops.
Pretty simple. It really does not bother me or impact my life significantly regardless of what the toxic opposition may choose.
This includes parenting. My DW and I went through a transition period when our son (my SS) was in his mid teens. She decided that she did not like how I disciplined and parented. So... I told her she could then step up and get it done before I had to. The kid hated how she disciplined and parented. His mom would torture him for weeks with lectures, changing disciplinary consequences, she would not let anything drop. With me, he got immediate consequences that were directly tied to the infraction, even if it was grounding, and then he could go back to his life with no drama from me as long as he did not repeat the stupid choices that got him in trouble in the first place. A discrete poor choice received a discrete consequence. With his mom it all morphed together into a constant state of misery and torture for him. So, after his mom took the disciplinaian lead he came to me and asked me to take it back over. He appreciated the direct connection between his stupid choices and the consequences i applied far more than the unpredictable churn of misery his mom applied.
So, we modified it so that SS knew that his mom and I would deal with him collectively which was even more miserable for him than just his mom dealing withit. I loved sitting with him discussing a behavioral issue and saying "So, if this is more htan you want to deal with, your mom and I can discuss it and we will let you know the consequences." "DAD! NO! I am fine with this. I won't to it again. Just don't let mom decide my punishment!"
His mom and I would laugh ourselves do sleep in tears on those nights as we reviewed the discussion I had with the Skid during our 1:1 pillow talk time. Poor kid!
With a PASing oppostion parent and PASd Skids I would adopt a no bullshit position of calling bullshit on the Skids and on their toxic PASing parent giving the Skids the full meal deal view of the facts regarding their toxic PASing POS parent and the toxic PASing POS parent would have their ass bared as fully as I could bring to bear in the most humiliating way I could with as much full discloser public ridicule as could be brought into play. Pain, misery and humiliation changes crappy behaviors.
Then I go do what I enjoy doing.
Life is good.
If your DH won't man up, confront his X and parent then he can have your back while you do it.
It sounds that you are finding an effective position to stand on in all of this . Good for you.