Hi there,

I love my SD, but at the same time, I feel uncomfortable sometimes when she’s with us. My partner knows this, because I’ve told him (it took a few years, but I felt so much released when I did it...).

I started a relationship with my Partner 9 years ago. By that time, SD was 2 and 1/2 years old. At the beginning of our relationship, she was not very nice to me, which now I understand totally. Under her perspective, I was in the place of her mom, stealing her place in the family. My partner and her, had split a few months ago.

Beginning was hard, with SD and Bmom. SD was rejecting me. Bmom was persecuting my partner and shouting at him through the phone and in the street. Bmom was the one who split with him, but I assume it was a bit hard to accept he was rebuilding his life so fast.

The missed calls of bmom when SD was with us were constant, I started feeling overwhelmed. We all ended up in court for false accusations from her. Excitement as a couple decreased. Court resolution was positive for both parts.

The first months of a relationship are supposed to me magic and full of joy and excitement, give peace of mind and heal your heart ❤️ from any worry or distress. But, unfortunately this was not the case here. So, I started working, and focusing all my time and attention to start a new career and get good at it, this helped me considerably to escape from those situations of conflict and resentment between them.

A few months later, we moved to England. He wanted to escape from her abuse. I got pregnant with my first child, and in my 5th month of pregnancy, we got a claim from her, she was asking for more money, she wanted to get double pension every month, and we had 8 days to reply otherwise she gets what she wants. I was sleeping 4 hours a day, busy with compiling bank statements to prove we had not so much money left after paying rent, bills, debts, etc. Thanks to that, her demand was not accepted by the judge. Since then, I have a constant feeling in the background that she’ll do this again. (When would we receive the next claim asking for more money?)

She hasn’t remade her life with another man. She says is bcuz of her daughter. I have my doubts...

Twice a year 1 hour phone calls from her talking bad from my partner (his ex partner) make me feel less interested in the future of our relationship. When there is a daughter involved, is like an ex-wife presence is eternal. I'm sure there is out there cool exes, my partner's one has not been. She has got a funny character, but...we went through tough experiences because of her, and this weaken our relationship.

On the other side, SD is trying to take the place of her mom in the house. When BF and I give us a hug, she comes and says she also wants a hug. This is fine now, but the last years was just separating me and sitting in his lap. When she was 3 years old, she was doing weird cuddles to him whilst staring at me, I’ve read about that and psicologs say is a normal reaction of a child who hasn’t accepted the separation of Bmom and BF. But at this time ... drived me so mad...I was feeling so wired in that situation I can’t even explain with words...

Now she is 11, with a body and mindset of a 16-18 years old girl. Sometimes I think her mom accelerates her maturity in order to be present in the house through her daughter. Tough.

The thing that is making me disengage more is the way my SD speaks to my 7 year old son, she has been a bit bad to him the last years, not recognizing his achievements and making him feel anxious and frustrated. I've always stopped her when perceiving such a situation but she seems don't care much. She behaves with him as she is the mother and tells me, with 11, how to educate my son. This, feels just to weird...Dad says nothing to this, but reinforces her behavior as his way to rise a child is more in line with her's than with mine. 

This summer, I got a bit agressive at her after spending a few days witnessing an abusive behavior from her to my 7 years old son. After this, she managed to separate me 1 week from my 2 kids as she said to dad summer holidays wanted me not to be there. Summer holidays were only 2 weeks, and being apart from my 2 child's felt not only strange but also very painful.

During this week, in the video calls, she was acting (in front of the camera) like her dad's girlfriend, touching his chest whilst staring at me with a look I'll never forget...The older she gets, the more jealousy she awakes on me. But believe I have reasons to feel jealous...she's playing a dangerous and destructive role sometimes. Maybe she's doing this bcuz she feels hurt by the separation of her BPs but...That day, I had a disgusting mix of feelings I can't even express with words.

I know I should also work on building a healthy self-esteem, but it would also help me so much if BF would treat her more as a daughter then as a “girlfriend”. My dad did not treat me like that, was very loving and caring but he always set my limits. My SD, in contrast, has not the limits set by him.

This situation, creates disengagement from me to him and her, but the worst part of this, is that I'm disengaging from my own children as well. Could you please give me advice on this?

Many thanks!