Make dinner as normal plus portions for stepkids. They don't get input. If they don't clean up after themselves ask their parent to do it. 

Don't do their laundry, ignore it. If the parent says something say they can do it.

Don't drive them around.

Don't tell them to do their chores/homework/cleaning. Put all the chores on your spouse. 

Basically if it's something fun, go ahead and do it, if it's something not fun or a chore, put it back on your spouse.

I used to wake SKs up for school which equalled being screamed at and called very colorful names. Stressing me out before work.

I used to make sure SKs HW was done before they did anything else. Which equalled being screamed at and colorful names and wasting half my evening fighting with them about it.

I used to include SKs in everything I did with DS. Which equalled them fighting in the car, public places, screaming and swearing. Being rude, disrespectful, and then demanding things and throwing full blown screaming tantrums when told no. Having to deal with them not being appreciative for the activity, especially when neither of thier parents ever do jack with them.

I no longer buy them things and no longer have to deal with them leaving it at a friend's house or bringing it to BMs and then demanding a replacement because now they don't have (choose any item) at my house. 

I no longer ask them to pick up after themselves, clean Thier rooms or follow rules of any kind. Now I tell SO the clean it up or handle it. 

I no longer make them food to eat only to have them waste it, because they don't want real food and won't eat left overs. I no longer buy any junk food so they gorge themselves or hoard it from everyone else. . I make SO buy those things so he can be upset when it's eaten in a day and they are complaining thier is nothing to eat. 

I no longer waste my money or time signing them up for activities only for them to tell me I don't do anything for them. 

Mind you these are teenagers I am talking about acting like this. The irony of it all is since I have disengaged, not one complaint about how I don't do anything for them. They no longer scream in my face and tell me how aweful I am. They no longer denand things from me.

Instead they are usually the opposite going out of Thier way to be nice to me in hopes I will be my old self again.

The OSD will likely never see that side of me again because she won't play by the rules . She thinks being fake nice is enough to earn her the privilege of my time and attention. Nope she lost that privilege. She wants my attention or something from me she would have to work for it and that's never going to happen.

YSD only gets things from me if she does something to earn it. But I leave that up to her. She does it great, she doesn't don't care, no skin off my teeth, I save a few bucks and my time. 

YSS and his 2 siblings moved in here full time when he was 10.  I tried to treat them and my 2 bios the same, by which I mean same living conditions, same expectations, etc.  I made a special effort to help YSS participate in athletics year round.  He was a natural athlete and enjoyed it but it meant lots of driving to practices and games all year.

YSS was DH's favorite and my husband just would not back me up where YSS was concerned.  As he became a teenager, that just got worse so I disengaged from YSS.  I still did the normal things, still fixed dinner, ran the house, etc.  But I stopped driving him around, stopped going to his games, stopped talking to him.  I didnt say anything to DH about it but I didnt discuss YSS, ask questions or go out of my way at all.  Frankly, DH and YES seemed relieved and so was I.

I wish thongs could have been otherwise because YSS and I still have an arm's length relationship.  But perhaps it was always going to be that way, he was quite loyal to BM.

I was never very engaged to begin with, but I did used to take the stepkids out with mine more. We used to do more family activities. I used to discipline more.

I stopped offering to take his to practice, etc. unless DH is really in a bind. I've cut way back on going anywhere with them in public unless it's really important to DH. I now only discipline if DH is not here and something is really affecting me or my kids. Or if DH is here and is oblivious, I will point it out to him so he can deal with it. If I do discipline I try to do it without getting too emotionally involved. And I usually scold them and let DH decide the punishment. I used to take away electronics and that caused more issues so I try to be more like a babysitter and less of a parent. But this is my home and I won't let them have control over it either.

I never was involved with their schoolwork or hygiene, DH has always done that. If their laundry is in the wash I might help if I'm waiting to use it for my kids just to get it out of the way but I don't set out to do their laundry.

Oh, I also now only cook weekends they are not here and DH does the weekends they are here. If one of them is here for an extra meal due to some activity during the week and I'm cooking anyway, I'll still cook, but stepkids weekends I let DH kind of take charge.

I basically quit trying to treat them like I treat my kids, everything fair and equal. DH takes care of his and I take care of mine and we support each other. If there is a big issue we speak up to each other about each other's kids. Sometimes he helps me see things with my own kids that I'm missing or vice versa.

Past: Wake up SD for school. Make sure she got breakfast, dressed, brush teeth, do hair, etc. Now: DH wakes her up. 

Past: Made sure all homework got done after school. Now: DH checks on her with virtual learning. 

Past: Invited SD to go on all errands with me to "get out of the house" Now: DH can encourage her to get exercise and play outside on her own. 

Past: Bought nice clothes, shoes, etc. for SD Now: DH is in charge of getting her new clothes when she needs them. 

Past; Making dental, medical, appts for SD. Now: DH or BM need to coordinate that. 

Pre-disengagement, I was basically taking on ALL parenting duties for DH, and even BM. I was doing all of the heavy lifting and getting zero of the rewards. SD began resenting me because a "non-parent" was giving her all rules and her Bios were the ones being the "fun parents." I also had total OPPOSITE expectations for SD. I expected her to have good hygeine, healthy eating habits, clean her room, be responsible with school, etc. If BM didn't care about these things, then why should I? Also, DH began criticizing how I would go about and do things. That is when I had my final straw and began disengaging. I didn't say anything, I just slowly started doing it. DH and BM SOON realized how much a handful SD was on their own, and it wasn't *me*. I am less stressed now. I have accepted that how SD turns out as an adult is NOT a reflection of me as a step parent. She is a by-product of her mother and father. 

Things changed a lot a few months back when SD turned against me for daring to back my husband in an argument,   used to go the extra mile ALL the time,  now I realise that this effort could be forgotten in a second so I do a lot less now,

then: bedrooms cleaned for them,  bedclothes washed and put on etc

now: not touching any of it - was it ever noticed? a pile of SS's clean pants and socks that i washed have been left on his dresser now for nearly 4 weeks,  he's not interested in putting them IN the drawer so I shut the door and leave it

then: used to buy in all their favourite snacks,  drinks etc for the weekend including popcorn,  occasional sweets etc.  

now: After the snacks ran out one day over christmas and SS refused to walk 10 mins to the shop and use the allowance we give him for treats it's all stopped.  I even hide some food or deliberately let it run out before he visits

then: would go and pick up SS if his dad was working late or drop him back home half an hour away if needed

now: let his mother do it,  it won't be remembered in a few years

then: spent a huge amount of money on long haul holidays that DH could never afford to spend on them 

now: save long haul trips for me and DH

then: early lockdown I was WFH full time and making lovely nutritious lunches for when the teens woke up at 2pm

now: get my own lunch and leave them to get their own food 

then: SD starting copying some of her mums worst behaviours,  entitled,  selfish,  demanding etc.  I used to  try strategy after strategy to understand her psychology and find tactics to work around it "no we wont give her cash on demand,  lets give her an allowance and let her manage her money." "no we wont have a restaurant lunch if we're out shopping,  we'll have a sandwich on a bench so she doesnt think we're disney parents" "yes she can have a party in our house but only if she does all the prep and decorating" (she got her grandmother to do all that and pay for it" 

now: leaving her to get on with it.  we all know how this will play out and shes so far out of control with her narcissm that she's a lost cause.  My job is to support DH now and not let it get to him or let her back in next time she comes crawling back after telling him she's "Done with you and your monster wife" .

then: used to ask them to clean/hoover their bedrooms or pre covid we even had a cleaner twice a month 

now: tell DH to clean up their mess and I shut the door on it