Never thought I’d be a full time step mum so young

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Honestly I don’t even know whether I’m writing for advice or just venting but I am in a complex situation and honestly I just don’t know.
So some background information, I am a 24 year old university graduate who comes from an upper middle class background. My partner is also 24 and comes from a much lower income background than myself (not that it matters to me). He and I met about 2 years ago when we honestly both were not in a great place. We supported each other and tried to sort ourselves out before perusing an actual relationship. He has been such an amazing support and teacher to me. We love each other and have decided to move in together.

He has a now 4 year old daughter whom he loves and cherishes. The child is in joint custody and rotates between mum, my partner and his grandparents. The reason for the mass rotation is because, well let’s just say the mother isn’t exactly mentally well. For example, the conception of the child occurred because she manipulated and lied to him about being on contraception when she wasn’t and even poked holes in condoms so she would get pregnant. He tried to make the relationship work for the child but in the end it did not work out.

Now the mother is expecting another child with another man. She unfortunately has a history of schizophrenia in her family and is starting to exhibit signs (or so I have been told). My partner and his parents are essentially trying to get her to give up his daughter without needing to go through the courts. Previously when they did, the courts ruled that the mother should only have 1 hour per week of visiting rights with the child. Of course, my partner felt it was important for his daughter to have some kind of relationship with her mother and so they did a private arrangement, working her way up from 1 hour to a few days over the past 2 years. The hope
in not going through courts is to keep the mothers trust and that she gives the child to them out of her own will, rather than have her forcably removed. Whilst my partner may hate his ex partner, he understands the importance of still having a mutually respectful arrangement with her, especially for the sake of his daughter. Going through the courts would also mean a lot of money which frankly they can’t afford. He already offered to pay off his ex’s legal debts just so he knew his daughter could still eat when she was with her mother. Please note that yes of course social services have been notified and are involved. The mother also has a social worker and the right steps are being taken to ensure safety.

Obviously I fully understand that the child’s needs and safety come first. There is no arguing that. But honestly it’s highly likely that she will come into our care full time within the next 2 years.

I honestly never imagined myself being a step-parent to a 6 year old at the age of 26, and yet if I want to keep this relationship that’s exactly what will happen. He and I have talked about it but it is so difficult because in true honesty, I do not want to be a step mum so young. The idea around it constantly gives me anxiety; and yet I don’t want to give up this relationship. It’s a solid relationship built on trust and honestly that we both truely respect one another.

Whilst I don’t imagine someone’s situation being tricky, does anyone have any advice around being a young step-parent, being a full time step parent when you don’t have children or dealing with tricky ex partner situations? Any advice will be helpful.

Thanks for reading

Please note: my username has no relation to myself, persons involved in my situation or any other situations with may appear similar to this situation. This has been done on purpose to protect the privacy of myself and all others, including children, involved in my situation. Any similarities are purely coincidental.

If you and your BF are to be

If you and your BF are to be equity life partners then that makes you an equity parent to any children in the household.

As for the situation... if the court has given an order then your BF needs to stick to that CO and hold his XW to it also. That he and his family are not strictly enforcing the CO could come back to bite him in the butt and I would suggest that he needs to stop playing the knight in shinning armor with his XW and cut the last threads between his half of the blanket and hers.

If the courts and CPS have issue with the child's safety when she is with the BM then your BF not sticking to the CO is IMHO jeopardizing the safety and best interests of his daughter.

Regarding being a SParent ... at any age... it isn't an easy prospect. It is only survivable and a situation where all can thrive if you and your SO are on the same page, you have full say in everything including parenting the SKid and you and your SO are true equity life partners. You can't assess this through the warm fuzzy tingly feelings of love... it can only be adequately assessed with your intellect. Don't shut your brain down over the feelings.

The difference in the socio-economic background of your youth and his is not necessarily a deal breaker or even a significant challenge if you are full partners in this adventure. My wife is from a poverty background and I am not. We have been married for 23+ years and raised our son (my SS-25) together since we married the week before he turned 2yo. I am 12 years the elder and had completed my undergrad when we married. We met during the last semester of my 11yr undergrad career and her first semester out of HS. I was 3yrs post divorce. Since we married she has completed her undergrad, we each have completed an MBA and we each have a professional certification and successful careers. For us this is what equity life partnership looks like. It is of course difference and unique for each couple.

IMHO of course.

Good luck and take care of you.

Why did your partner take his

Why did your partner take his ex to court to revoke her parental rights and then feel that his daughter needs a relationship with her mother.

My advice is for you to go live your life. You are young and full of potential. If this is the right guy for you, he will still be there after you've worked on your career or gotten another degree. Don't be the crutch he uses to excuse not getting his life together. He needs to make up his mind what he wants, put it in action and have himself together before he drags you fully into this.

young stepmom too

i met my boyfriend 5 years ago at age 22. i was ready to settle down and me and him ended up meeting. if i knew then what i knew now, i probably wouldnt be here. i ended up almost becoming a official fulltime step mom at age 23. we had his daughters 8 and 9 at the time every weeked! the mom never kept them becaus she wanted time with her gf and to go out to the bars to drink. she didnt work and depended on her gf, child suport and the young ones social security money who has severe autism. the mother even suffers from anxiety and depression and possibly bi polar.

so anyway, every weekend the girls are with us and when my BF got a new job, i ended up having to give up my weekends to watch his kids. his oldest was a pain in the ass. very hyper and mouthy. i couldnt stand her. i told him something was going on with her and she didnt behave normally. so im left alone to care for a autistic child i know nothing about and her sister who was scared of the dark, sleep walked and had sleeping problems where she would wake us up every night she was with us. it was frsutrating.

later down the line, the mother ended up being eft by the gf and the mother was barely making it with the child supoort and social secuirty money to pay rent. she got behind on bills and would sell her food stamps for cash. she stopped buying the girls things and i had to make the effort to find the mouthy daughter a doctor and it came to be she had ADHD and ODD with anxiety. She didnt take them to doctor dental appointments and even had the girls accumulate up to 22 abcenses from school. so i had to step up to the plate and take care of 2 more kids who are mentally challenged in some way.

mind you, i already have 2 of my own. i had a 3 and 5 year old. good kids who never gave me or anyone problems. so here i am trying to be with my kids, have a relationship and then the mother leaving her kids with us and their dad having to leave them with me because he had to work. eventually we had to take her to court because she was neglecting their needs, not wanting them to go home and she was to busy going out meeting girls to date rather than care for the girls.

so i paid for a attorney to go for custdy hoping it would benefit the girls. We got custody a year ago after a 2 year battle,we gave mom 6 months to get on her feet before she pays child support ( she still hasnt paid), she has a no contact order until she gets seen by a doctor to state she is stable enough to be alone with the kids (hasnt bothered to do that process), we found out she continuing to take my youngest SD social secuirty money (up to $1600) after we ganied custody.

i quit my job to take them to their schools at the time and to care for them now. it was hell with the drama from the mother and even my older SD. To this day i still cant stand her. I feel like my youth is gone, i have no friends and my routine is the same every day. i suffer from anxiety due to all the nonsense.

I stayed because me and my BF have a great relationship. But,, its hard taking care of his kids. i am emotionaly drained. Due to the fact they have mental issues. If the girls didnt have mental disabilities, i think it would have been easier and not so bad. But, becase of what they come with, it has extracted alot of my youth and emotional strength and I am exhausted. The oldest SD gave us so many problems and even her dad is tired of it.

my advice, think if you can handle it? being a 2nd mom full time... Do you have the patience to care for the kids? How is your relationship with the kids? So many different factors but do you think YOU can go for it? Is your partner worth being with to make some sacfrifices of your own? and mostly, do you really want to give up your youth and so much of your free time to parent?

sorry my post is long, but just wanted to give u a insight of my small journey when i started out as a young step mom.

You are doing it and doing it well.

Not a situation I can say I would want to be in. Stepping into the role of dad (StepDad) with a 15mo old was challenging enough and I have no BKs. My SS-25 was also not a special needs kid.

What I would advise is making sure that your BF goes after CS and the Social Security support for his kids. BM is irrelevent in all of this IMHO. You are BF are enabling BM's life style. Not only that... you are paying for it. If you choose to continue in this relationship and in the role you are executing within the relationship then for sure I would be very firm in how you manage all of the variables in play.

Good luck to you. All of your kids, bio and step, are very fortunate to have you.

Don't forget to take care of yourself too.

My main concern would be that

My main concern would be that you are not looking after your own interests sufficiently. You have a degree which took you (presumably) three years of hard work, now instead of pursuing a career you are proposing to be looking after someone else's child. I would at least insist on your partner getting a child minder for after school etc, so that you can have your own career. Don't become financially dependent on this man, would be my advice. You may need your own income at some point.

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