SS's Bio Mother has Unmanaged BPD/Custody Battle
*VENTING*
My DH has a 5y/o son from a previous (very unhealthy) relationship. We have a 18-month-old son together. DH and his son's mother hadn't been in a relationship since before his son was born. So my SS has been living 50/50 since he was born.
I came into my SS's life when he was 2. We have a good relationship overall, we do a lot of family activities together and he is very close with his little brother. Several months ago DH started filing motions in court for a custody modification.
The thing is - his bio mom has serious mental health issues that she does not address (BPD/Bipolar), and she is very psychologically manipulative. I am not one to judge somebody because they have a mental health issue, but if it is not being managed, that's just irresponsible. My SS has moved 5-6 different times in his short life while in his mother's care because she's so unstable. She has abusive/criminal boyfriends in and out of his life constantly. There have been at least 10 different boyfriends she's brought in and then out of his life so far - he is only 5! She's begged to let DH take off with their son to a state far away from us because of "modeling opportunities" and when he opposes she slanders him on Facebook, and threatens to somehow take legal action for "ruining her life". She is now pregnant with a third child who will have a different dad than her second child, who obviously has a different Dad than my SS - and she is not in a relationship with this person either, they are just "best friends". Also - this is an ex she claims had been abusive and caused her to become homeless at one point.
My SS is going to need a home base and it definitely is in his best interest to be here full time - not there!!!!! In fact, DH should have done this a long time ago but sadly didn't have the confidence between my SS's bio mom being manipulative and our state sometimes favoring the mother.
Luckily, things are going well and the court is listening. SS started living with us full time a couple months ago with visitation rights to his bio mom per a temp order. A final decision will be made in a few months after trial. We are nervous, but confident that the court will make the right choice.
Needless to say my SS's bio mom is NOT happy and doing everything she can to psychologically manipulate my SS into not wanting to be with us. I went from having a great relationship with him to him now being afraid to show any affection towards me. He tells me he doesn't love me all the time, and compares everything I do to how his mother does things. He's very disrespectful to me, he will now yell at me or tell me to stop talking and constantly tell me he doesn't like me. It's hard because this is a regression!
My question is - should I try to have an honest conversation with him? Should I continue to tell him I love him despite him being closed off to affection? Should he be reprimanded for being so mean? I know some of this is normal SS and SM stuff, but some of it is a direct result from his bio mom sharing court info with him (I know, crazy, but she has!)
Any advice is helpful, thanks!
Hugs
Hugs
"I love you anyway" worked
"I love you anyway" worked for us when ss went through a little phase of parroting his mom's dislike of DH and me.
Now he's pretty affectionate.
In our case, we had Ss seeing
In our case, we had Ss seeing a therapist when all of the change in custody was going down due to the circumstances at Bm's house and her emotional instability. It helped a great deal. The therapist was a huge infuence in getting Bm to agree to the change in custody because Bm knew that the therapist had everything that was happening at Bm's and with Bm, recorded.
For a long time, I have
For a long time, I have thought my SS could benefit from therapy - even if just to help with this transition. Although he's adjusted pretty well considering it's a drastic change, he does act out towards me in particular. The tricky part is DH would have to get BM to agree since they have joint legal custody and I'm not sure she'd be keen on the idea because she maybe would be afraid it would hurt her case.
DH also gets worried that BM will somehow make SS's therapy about this situation and bend it to her favor; as in somehow get SS to tell therapist he wants to live with her and he's miserable with us. I tried to assure DH that child psychologists are trained to pick up on things like this, and that the truth prevails, but he still seems hesitant...and sometimes I can't blame him as BM's psychological manipulation on SS sometimes works.
Worked with abused children in therapy
Assure your DH that the therapist will absolutely pick up on the maniupltion, that is literally their job to examine a childs minset. I would think if you spoke with your attorney about the issues you are having, they could put in a request for court ordered therapy if the BM doesn't agree. I don't know how your state works.
Children are the worst liars out there haha and therapists know how to pick up on it. Especially if you give them a warning. The mother will deny it, but they will be walking in knowing it's a possibility.
We have a similar issues with my SS3. He adores me, loves me and tells me all the time. Hugs me and kisses me constantly, but when he shows any affection to me in front of his BM she takes him inside and hounds him for it. He will instinctively on his next visit pull away from me. Act like a compeltely different kid until he realizes hes safe from her with us. The minute he sees her, he withdraws his affections again. It's very sad that he is that aware at such a young age.