BM, School Clothes, Lack of Parenting Vent!!!!
A bit of background: BM and I separated 5 years ago as a result of her multiple affairs. Our very contentious divorce was final 3+ years ago. Since separation we’ve shared 50/50 parenting of our bd11 with a week on week off arrangement. Between CS, health insurance, day care, clothes, shoes, medical/dental/eye exam co-pays, school lunches, extra-curricular activities, hair appointments, etc., I am averaging about $2k per month out of pocket in taking care of bd (not including the normal expenses of maintaining my household), the majority of which is CS. I’ve always been a very active parent: attending all games, recitals, volunteering in bd’s class, etc. BM has not.
Soon to be SM (STBSM) and I recently bought bd clothes and shoes for back to school (she’s starting middle school on Monday). The challenge with buying clothes and shoes is that bd is the size of an adult woman (she’s bigger than both BM and STBSM) and it is hard to find age appropriate clothes that fit: especially shoes since she wears a woman’s size 11. The other challenge is that almost all of what we buy winds up stuck at BM’s house with ill fitting rags coming back (I’m sure this is familiar).
So this morning, bd wanted to take a pair of sneakers that STBSM bought her to BM’s house because she outgrew the ones she has and BM hasn’t bought her any. Because I know they will wind up stuck and BM’s house and bd will return to me at the end of the week with flip flops and bd has PE, I told her to leave them at my house and to let her mom know that she needs sneakers for school on Monday. Coming out of our divorce, each of us is supposed to provide everything bd needs while she lives with us so bd doesn’t have to worry about taking things back and forth. BM knows she needs sneakers as we had a discussion about this a month ago and bm told me so. BD has everything she needs at my house.
My issue is that bm does almost nothing to raise bd other than let her sleep at her house. She rarely buys clothes, won’t pay for school lunches, rarely attends any events, won’t care for her hair, refuses to take her to the doctor or dentist, doesn’t spend any time with bd, and always tells bd that I am supposed to pay for things that cost money (college, buying a car, cell phone, sweet 16, prom, etc.). This is not a money issue as bm makes well over 6 figures.
I know this is not bd’s fault but I feel like I need to hold a firm line so bm is encouraged to do her fair share. But in doing so I feel like I am not properly caring for my child and know I am putting her in the middle of the issue with BM. BM doesn’t care about her and knows I will take care of her and I resent the expectation from bd that I am supposed to do these things because I am dad.
I know many of you have seen this as SPs. What works to encourage BP to do their part? How have you handled it? What should I do or not do? I don’t think a change of custody at this point would be granted.
Does SMOKIA even have kids? I
Does SMOKIA even have kids? I didn't think she did.
What I earn is not relevant.
What I earn is not relevant. I do EVERYTHING that the CO requires of me when I am supposed to do it and BM does not (I don't need a CO to make me be a parent as was evident before the divorce). I only pointed out the money she earns because I know some will try to make the argument that she can't afford it (buying shoes or paying for a week's worth school lunches during HER weeks) because I am not paying enough or she doesn't earn enough.
Based on your posts this won't matter to you but keep in mind that bd lives with me, bio-dad, every other week all year.
Not providing clothing that
Not providing clothing that fits and not providing money for food is neglectful. Not doing any of the other things is a violation of the CO.
I'm in agreement with Jules.
I'm in agreement with Jules. I don't see how what he makes is relevant. He pays his CS, and he states she has means to do her part. But, I do agree with you that it is a money issue to an extent. It is not fair for him to be expected to pay more when she should be capable of handling her parental responsibility. It is probably a way for her to dig at him financially, as she tells their daughter that he should pay for things because he's the dad. It is also a respect issue. BM is hugely disrespectful of Dad in this case.
Jules, in our case, BM started stepping up when she saw what I was doing for FSS. I fed him fish for lunch one day before she picked him up (and I mean fresh fish) with pineapple salad, and the next two nights with her he had fish. I take him to the science museum when he's with me, and the next time she has him she takes him to the zoo. I got him lego guys for Christmas, and the next time she has him, she takes him to the lego store. I bought him new jeans because he is growing like a weed, and she offers to take him on FDH's time to go clothes shopping. She'd never bought him clothes before. FSS really likes me, though, so I know he talks about what we do, which is why we are dealing with a confused 8 year-old who doesn't understand why his mom calls me a b**** when she doesn't know me. I don't really care what she does in terms of spending money. If she does, we consider it a bonus. We just plan on paying for everything. It's how we keep from feeling resentful. It isn't fair, but it is how it is. I'm ok with her "competing" with me if it makes her step up and be a better parent.
My issue is she is using our
My issue is she is using our d to better her lifestyle while not taking care of her as she should. If she doesn't want the responsibility of being a parent then fine. I can and am willing to raise bd by myself. But she doesn't want to give that up AND lose the money.
Ana - I would love it if she competed with us. The winner in that one would be bd!
Really no reason to be
Really no reason to be hostile. The guy is looking for insight. You have to attack every single time?
Hey Kat. Was just thinking
Hey Kat. Was just thinking of you the other day. Hope all is well!
So very glad to hear it?
So very glad to hear it?
Ooooohhhh, THAT's why
Ooooohhhh, THAT's why everyone hates SMOKIA.
Jules, unfortunately DH and I usually cave so that the kids don't go to school in rags, but it is beyond frustrating, especially when you know the other person has the means and simply refuses to care for their child. Several people on here have suggested holding your ground because eventually the BM will have to give in and that by always picking up the slack you are teaching her that she doesn't have to do crap because you will be there to pick up the pieces. This logic makes perfect sense but we just can't follow through with it and always give in.
I'm sorry if I wasn't clear.
I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. I'm the Bio-Dad. Our CO says bm pays for everything bd needs when bd is with her and I pay for everything bd needs when she is with me. That's what I do but Bio-Mom does not.
I have bd half the time, provide almost all of the emotional and financial support and am doing everything that CO requires of me and more (I don't need a CO to make me take care of my kid).
I don't think you can
I don't think you can encourage a parent to be a parent. Sadly. As far as what she buys DD, that's nothing you can change. As long as DD has what she needs and isn't being neglected, it's all considered fine. (Even if it's not.)
Personally, and this is what we did, if you can afford to buy the stuff DD needs, then do it. At least your DD isn't suffering because her mom doesn't want to spend $ on her.
Kat, Do I know you?? How
Kat, Do I know you?? How could you POSSIBLY know "which side of the fence" I sit on??
No, you cannot COMMAND another adult to do something and expect it be done. Where I live, a grown up gets to decide what they will and will not do.
Do you COMMAND people to do things? How's that workin' for ya?
When did you get so nasty???
When did you get so nasty??? You jumped all over SMOKIA for attacking, and then did the EXACT.SAME.THING to me.
Pot, meet kettle.
And if COMMANDING works so well for you, why is it that you, SD, and DH have so many issues? Can't you just COMMAND your DH to do your bidding???
THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE ON A
THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE ON A VENTING SITE???
Please, I respectfully ask you to leave me alone. I haven't done or said a single thing to you, and you are all over me.
(PS: I prefer men with balls, and would never be interested in a man I could command around. :sick: )
I believe men own their own
I believe men own their own balls. A balless man is a eunich, and I have no attraction to such men.
Glad you do, though, it makes the world go 'round!
I know, really! My x never
I know, really! My x never goes, either, and I can imagine being laughed out of court if I tried to take away his limited visitation because of it.
Kat isn't in the US, though, so maybe her laws are different? I dunno...
Can she keep her sneakers at
Can she keep her sneakers at school in her locker?
When DH and I first met he
When DH and I first met he was going through the same issues with BM. DH and BM had similar incomes but she was unwilling to provide financially for the kids despite the court order saying that she would provide for them financially while with her.
We originally sent clothes/shoes for the kids, paid 100% for the kids' insurance (even though she was court ordered to pay half), got all the necessities for school, sports, etc. Even though it was financially difficult for us but we did it to limit the impact that BM's attitude had on the children. Doing this ended up biting us in the a** big time!
After about three years of BM getting a free ride when it came to supporting the kids, she took us to court to try to get the judge to order us to pay everything and when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING. She even went as far as to try and have us order to pay for the kids' social activities on HER TIME! We had to spend over $10,000.00 in court fighting this because she tried to use the fact that "we had paid for everything despite the order in the past".
Based on my experience, I would recommend that you follow the order exactly unless you can afford and are comfortable with supporting the kids financially 100%.
Why are you so concerned with
Why are you so concerned with what I earn???? We live in a state where both parties income is combined for the CS determination. That means that it is just as likely that BM makes significantly more than me. Btw, I don't pay 2k a month in CS. The 2k includes ALL the things I pay for INCLUDING CS.
How would you react if she earns twice what I earn?
I just am not getting where
I just am not getting where you think he earns a lot more, and what the hell difference does that make anyway? This makes no sense. BM could make a million dollars, but if she doesn't consider FOOD and CLOTHING a necessity for her kid, she is a crappy parent no matter HOW you try to spin it. If that kid was naked and starving, somehow you would try to make it biodad's fault. Your reasoning is just ridiculous sometimes. He wants his kid to have CLOTHES and FOOD, and you think it is about control. WTF?
OP, you are wasting your
OP, you are wasting your breath. SMofKnowitall is so concerned with what YOU make because she can never, ever say that a BM sucks without calling into question the Bio-dad or the stepparents finances, parenting skills, you name it. You can't debate with her, because she has an agenda, which is to argue with every.single.stepparent or biodad on this site, even if her arguments are unfounded and unreasonable. You could try to do like a lot of us and just laugh, hope all of her cats are ok, and move on.
Aggrivated -- Thanks for the
Aggrivated -- Thanks for the heads up. I guess it's my fault when bd calls me from school when she is with her mom to tell me her mom would not give her money for lunch. I'm such a horrible dad... That's sarcasm - btw.
We don't let anything leave
We don't let anything leave our housethat we pay for. Nothing. Try this: Just send her an email so you have documentation and state what the child says asking her top resolve it at her house. Also, try asking in the form of a question. DH did it and BM had to deflect, but we have it in the records for the next case that she didn't really answer the question. Also, DH also started CC'ing his lawyer and that really helped. We think BM saw it and was better about somethings. For us it was regarding not taking him to Karate on her time. She did it really well that following week and has been better since about Karate. If only she was better about her lying....
Can you try working with bd
Can you try working with bd to ensure that she has the right gear, in the right place, at the right time? I thought the idea of a pair of sneakers in her school locker was a good idea. At 11, she should be old enough to make sure she has the clothes she wants when she's at a given house. My skids were 10 and 14 when they moved in to my home, and the rule was simple; I don't care where your clothes are, but don't come crying to me if you left the jeans you absolutely MUST wear to school today at your mom's. Might she get into trouble for not having the right shoes for PE? Yes. Will it happen more than once or twice? I doubt it. And, as an added bonus, the kid gets to start learning a bit about personal responsibility (always a good thing in my book!)
Just my two cents, for whatever they're worth...
Queen B. Thanks! This is
Queen B. Thanks! This is very helpful.
We have gone through the same
We have gone through the same thing with my husbands ex wife. My 3 SC would come over with clothes too small and then wear clothes from BD house that fit back to BM. My husband became very frustrated because he was giving BM thousands a month in CS and purchasing clothes for his home for the kids, so they would not need to pack a bag.(Being a nice guy and being taken advantage of by ex.) This is what we did to try and eliminate the wackiness of BM's behavior (because she was forcing the kids to wear the extra small clothes to our home)
The clothes the children came over in we would wash and then send them back to BM's house wearing the clothes. This grew extremely tiring for BM. Now she tries other things, like not buying them sneakers or sports shoes for the kids. We now have an extra curricular activity expense spread sheet. We are suppose to be splitting the activities. When she signs the kids up for activities and expects the full 1/2 of our reimbursement, we deduct the portion she neglects to pay out of the CS and take it off our portion of the reimbursement.
I am an ex wife myself and I am embarrassed by the way other women or men don't step up to the plate and be honest in their responsibility of raising their children all for the sake of trying to rip off their ex for the sake of money. I work and always made sure my children's needs came first along with having to pay the bills. My husbands ex makes 73k annually, tax free from CS and collecting death benefits from a nearly 9 month marriage to a terminally ill man whom she purposely married to get his bennies. Now she doesn't have to work, no mortgage, pays for Lincolns with cash and can live a care free life. She does have another child with someone else...security for more CS while she cheats on him too like she does with all the other men in her life!
Do not deduct anything from
Do not deduct anything from the CS that you are required to pay in the CO. If BM raises the issue, most courts will view it as you/DH not fulfilling the court ordered obligation to pay CS (i.e. contempt) and force you to pay the unpaid amount + interest + court costs. The cout does not care why you deducted or offset against the CS -- you have an obligation to pay a specified amount and must pay that amount. It sucks but that is the way it is.
Op this is what I would do if
Op this is what I would do if I were you. I would take Kat's advice but i would also send dd with a check for just your week you have her for her lunches. Every other week you would have to write her a check or how ever you want to pay for it. Your dd is old enough to know what is going on and she can ask her mom for money for lunches and if mom doesn't give it that is her fault not yours. I know that dd will suffer for a while poor baby, but if you want to stop this nonsense you have to take control. Your dd will understand why you are doing it too. You just simply can't afford to keep this up. This will either force bm to step up or she will go psycho but either way your dd knows the truth.
I would also start emailing BM to address all these issues and keep all her responses and make sure your responses are facts and never emotional. This will make sure that you have all the proof and make her look crappy if she tried to take you to court or if you take her.
I know that a lot of people don;t like my tactics but the thing is that if you continue to pay for everything the bm will never step up and you are just enabling bm to be a pos! does that make sense?
Sometimes you have to be harsh to get the point and make the bm step up. However at your dd's age she will understand why daddy is doing what he doing. Talk to your dd about it as well. Tell her that daddy just can't afford it with out moms help. No matter what either of you make is not relevant as it should be a 50/50 to take care of your child.
Oh and ignore smtoknowitall or whatever her name is. She is like this to everyone. as what you make has no baring on weather the bm pays her part for taking care of her child especially since you are doing everything you are required and then some. plus if that went to court they would not care at all as long as you are following the court order and paying what you are court ordered to pay. They can not and will not control what you do with your money after CS.
Your approach is what I will
Your approach is what I will do every other week for her lunches from now on. Historically, I would calculate what it cost per semester for my weeks and put that amount in up from so I wouldn't have to worry about it. That just enables bm to not provide it and then send bm to me.
Also, I have started to talk to bd about things and I do think she understands.