Choosing your kids' friends?
This isnt a step issue, but since I value all your opinions here, I just had to throw this out to y'all. I have 2 biodaughters ages 7 and 9. I'm finding that my kids have friends who have older siblings, and...I'm not really liking their influence any more than I like the influence of SS14?! There are many reasons I keep him away from my daughters, number one being "because I can" and it's getting to the anticipated point that, no matter what I do, there are GOING to be outside influences on my kids. I know that. But like...some of these girls are really nice kids? and I like the parents..sorta..I mean they're friendly enough?? I just may not totally agree with their parenting styles.
But my oldest just turned 9 and we allowed her to have her first real "slumber" party, meaning more than just one friend stayed over. We have a VERY SMALL house, so...with our younger daughter also being allowed to invite a friend, it was sort of a LOT to have 6 girls total sleeping in my living room! To my amazement...it went Really Well! The girls got along great, and even when my youngest daughter's friend got homesick and went home at midnight, the older girls were fine to include little sis. Overall I was VERY pleased how it all went. Not one instance of catty behavior!
With that being said...it came to light that 2 of these 9yo friends are "totally into" the Twilight movies and books, and are allowed to watch PG-13 movies at home!? Call me prude but...I'm not exactly anxious to rush this whole growing up thing! We have years ahead to deal with this stuff for Pete's sake! Then when I told one of the moms that we had watched 2 movies, but not to worry they were PG...she proceeded to tell me that HER daughter already knows all about what sex is, and her older sister and friends play a few video games where you can make the characters have sex!! Um...yah, my daughters still believe in Santa, ok?!?!
So...what's my best course here? My daughter is very open with me about her feelings, and I have explained the whole period stuff with her, and body/hormonal changes because she's got my genes, and poor girl really needed a training bra by the end of 3rd grade to make her clothes lay nicely. I know the rest of the talk is coming soon, but I'm sure not in any hurry! She likes these girls, and they seem sweet, but do I discourage the friendship? Or make her feel like the geeky one who isnt allowed while these other kids are? Permitting the same things just isnt going to happen at this point. Yes she has a cell phone and is allowed to call/text friends who have them too. But that is only because she gets straight A's, is on travel soccer and gets left without us several times a week for practices etc. (a kid did get left behind once, so that was that).
The whole thing makes me uncomfortable, but I guess I just dont know if or what I should really do about it, other than just try to keep an open dialogue with my daughter? I just know that it's going to get to the point where my daughter is going to be upset and begging me to let her do certain things her friends can do, so she doesnt feel left out. I dont want her pain to be my fault, but I'm willing to take the fall if I have to. I just wonder...am I trying to keep her a baby? Am I being unreasonably overprotective? What age do you start "letting go" when it comes to boys, sex, freedom, going places without supervision...I know things are different than when I was a kid, but I'm not convinced it's better?!
hmmm, I don't think you'll
hmmm, I don't think you'll like my opinion but here it is for what it's worth.
I think you are being over protective and controlling. At 9 I think your daughter should definitely know about 'the birds and bees'. If she doesn't hear it from you she'll hear it from who knows who but she will hear it.
I think your desire to protect her may backfire on you. Do you remember being young?
Thanks PA - No! I dont mind
Thanks PA - No! I dont mind hearing your opinion at all, that's why I asked! I do remember being young, and my mom was a very young mom, and is an RN, and so she was into telling us Everything very early. I remember being completely grossed out, uncomfortable, and really wishing sometimes that I didnt know some things. I feel like it's almost given me a complex about being open about sex BECAUSE I was only 7 or 8 when she told me the whole thing. So I guess I never had a chance to be "curious" about sex cuz I feel like I've just always known about it?!
My only memory of being curious was more about considering doing it! and that was much later than age 9...more like 14 or 15?? I figure the talk is coming soon, real soon, but I just dread the loss of her innocence!! I know what you mean though about being overprotective, and I agree. I dont want to pretend like she wont find out some other way.
I'm not at that point yet
I'm not at that point yet with ss5, but after reading your post it sounds like your daughters are smart, independent and happy girls. I dont think that seeing a few movies slightly out of their age range, video games or catching the tail end of a conversation they would not otherwise hear occasionally will completely change their behaviour. I would just trust that you have raised them right up until this point and that they will make good decisions. Sometimes protecting a child from the world too much is just as damaging for them in the future as exposing them to too much of it. However, with that said, I personally would be uncomfortable about the video games that you can make characters have sex in - THAT, I would shelter her from for a while longer if you can (but just remember that you wont be able to for forever). Like the poster above me said, I was VERY curious about sexuality by age 9...that part is totally normal, although i do agree that there are outlets for exploring that curiosity that are too intense for a 9 year old.
Thanks IWYW! Gosh...I just
Thanks IWYW! Gosh...I just cant imagine a 9yo being curious about sex?? Wow. No, I wasnt like that at all. As I mentioned above, my mother told me all the gory details at a very young age - no chance to wonder anything! I definitely do not want to be too over protective, and make my kid the "geek" for being the only one who doesnt know stuff...but man! They just stopped being afraid of Santa! Cant they believe just a little longer??
I look forward to both my girls teen and dating stages, and I already enjoy conversations with my 9yo about the boy she has a crush on. I think it's really sweet, and I like to teach them about life lessons every chance I get. I just dont want to rush it. And it sounds like 8 turning 9 isnt rushing it then?? Wonder why those movies are rated PG-13 then? If today's 8yo is completely privy to that info...who came up with 13?
My girls are only 19 mos apart, so I guess I've been trying to hold off a little on the older one, so that the younger one isnt "too little" and they can both be told things at the same time and not be expected to keep the secret or anything. It's become difficult mostly cuz my older child is really advanced academically, and went to school early, so many of her classmates are nearly a year older than her (mostly the boys). That's what's causing the most noticeable issue.
But thanks guys! You confirmed what I was thinking.
All kids are different you
All kids are different you know? I think you know whats best for your girls, just go with your gut. And remember - They are getting to the age that if you dont tell them something, they will learn it somewhere else (tv, internet, friends, music, older kids at school...).
grew up on the farm so I dont
grew up on the farm so I dont remember being interested in sex or asking questions. When things came up both of my parents took advantage of the situation to discuss the bird and bee's and the facts about life as they saw them. Mom and dad talked to us about those things when we began to be allowed to "hang out" with the opposite sex alone. For me it was about 14 -15 when I was involved in sports and would have unsupervised time. For our kids, we live in a small town where it is safe for even a 9-10 year old to ride thier bike to the park or pool to hang out. We have spoken to the kids about safety and when we had puppies we began to discuss how we needed to let the dogs have "privacy" because they needed to have sex in order for them to get pregnat and such which of course led to other questions from the kids. I try to take advantage of tv, music and even commercials to open up communication with the kids on the topics that you are bringing up.
It would be really nice if the world we lived in allowed the kids to be kids longer but even in the "good old days" like my grandmother says, we used to get married when we were 14. She thinks that we are doing a much better job than her parents did back in the day when they married you off and then expected you to spend the rest of your life not knowing what was going on with your body and such.