Just need to reach out
I'm a stepdad. I try to be a good one. I don't hit or abuse my two stepsons. I have tried to provide the best life I can for them. I do screw up every now and then, but I don't try to. Last night my wife was pulling a pimple strip of my 10 year olds nose. After he left the room I commented to my wife about his cleaning habits. He often turns on the shower but actually stands in the bathroom rather than take one. It interferes with his TV time. So a great deal of the time he smells like poop. I'm not the only one who has talked to him about it. My wife and I have directly talked to him about it. But because he overheard it he got really hurt that I was talking behind his back. I tried talking to him about it but my wife jumped in and attacked me about being insensitive so I shut down and went into defensive mode. I love those kids exactly as if they were my own. I worry about him at school because it is the age of getting teased. This morning my wife is still angry with me claiming I attached "her" child. I expect a mom to defend her children. I just don't know why she feels she has to protect them from me. It doesn't happen a lot but it sure does make me the outsider in my own house when it happens. I don't expect any advise or help. I know this is what I chose for myself. I am happy to be a parent at all since I never expected to have a chance to be one. Still it hurts sometimes.
Don't take it so personally.
Don't take it so personally. She is wrong for not recognizing the problem and correcting it herself. Deep down she knows that. I would make subtle remarks to her about it and eventually she will get it. We had problems with SS12 and showers. Now if he doesn't take one every night on his own without being told, he loses the XBOX for the rest of his week here. He has to have taken it by 9:00 PM. DH finally came up with this on his own. It worked for us. Now the trick is getting him to let us cut his hair. Small steps....
Ha! Cut his hair! As well
Ha! Cut his hair! As well as the shower...arrgh! No bios here SS9. I couldn't stand it anymore & took scissors to his "bangs" (or the the front part of the mop). I am all for self expression and he can wear his hair shaggy but he refuses to let it get cut to style it! I had to do it, I know I was impulsive and that was wrong but both his dad & I are happy we can now see his eyes and he cannot mope behind his hair.
I would guess this is a very
I would guess this is a very fair assessment of what is happening.
I am confused . Are you
I am confused :? . Are you replying to my post just above?
I think maybe you should ask
I think maybe you should ask her to think about it from a point of view of "how would this be handled if it were not a step-child?". If this child belong to the two of you and this happened???
I suspect that you might bring it up to her in private so as to not hurt the child's feeling (like you did) and that you and her would agree on a way to correct the problem. If you child accidentally overheard the conversation (as happens in homes) you would maybe appologize to the child for any hurt they might feel from hearing it but that good hygene is important and you want to protect them from hearing it from others outside the home.
And you are right about protecting a child, it's right but only when warranted. All you can do is explain to her that you are not attacking her or her child, you are not saying she is a bad parent, or he is a bad child but there is a situation that needs attention and you feel bad that without correcting it, the child will suffer. Focus on the fact that you are looking out for him.
Good luck, it's very easy to be defensive of your kids, but it's not always in their best interest.
Yeah,,,, it seems that when
Yeah,,,, it seems that when the kids are born to the couple, what we say isn't soooo bad. But let the words come out of a step parent's mouth, and WWIII starts.
You're not wrong - I have a 16 bio son who I STILL have to bitch out about brushing his teeth!!! Ridiculous. Now if my DH told him, I MAY be sensitive about it; maybe b/c I know my own son's faults and I would just tell my son that he should be embarrassed of his lack of hygiene. He's 16 for Pete's sake!!
Take it with a grain of salt. Ask your wife what would have been better; what would have worked better for all of you; but don't be a pushover. You're in this thing with her; the good, the bad and the ugly.
When those boys start giving mama grief, it's gonna be your shoulder she's gonna need -
I told my DH this weekend, if I'm not the one telling you how your kids are taking advantage of you, who will? I'm his friend, not just his wife. He didn't like it, but he does the same to me, sooo.....
I am sorry your SS got his
I am sorry your SS got his feelings hurt and I am sorry DW is upset with you. Communicate with your wife and let her know just what is in your heart.
If you love your SS as you say...do with him what (I think) you would do with your own flesh and blood. Get in the bathroom with him (there are ways to maintain privacy), but show him exactly how a boy/man should clean himself. Take him to the store and let him pick out some soap/shampoo/deodorant to encourage cleaner habits. Heck, let him pick out a new comb/brush too. Anything to encourage better hygience habits! It may not work, but doing this will also help your wife see that you only wants what is best for her boys...
I hear you; don't take it
I hear you; don't take it personally BP get defensive over their Kids; even if/when your not even doing anything. I used to find (sorry kind of GROSS) my SD13 - was 11/12 rolled up pooped underwear in her drawers or wrapped up in her jeans under her bed.....OOOOHHH it smelt so bad in their. I tried to talk about it with him but in the end I felt like I was the one in the wrong. Can you believe it; like I was the one doing that.
She put up a stink about it Crying and whinning to DADDY; long story short - I am basically not aloud in her room anymore (Which YES, is in MY house) I don't get it and I never will. Mind You I have NO problems or qualms making myself at home in my BK rooms!!
Tough