I think just him talking to her about her behavior is ok. My mom dis this with me when I acted up, and this is what DH does with SDs when they're in trouble. It's great that he wants to help her process her feelings. But I'm concerned about the way he's going about it.

I think he needs to stop directly asking her for her opinion about you. She needs to know that she can talk to him about problems and issues going on in her life, but not rudely. He needs to teach her to say, "Dad, I'm having a tough time getting used to stepmom" and then he needs to teach her appropriate ways to handle the situation (like her coming to you to politely discuss issues she has with you). He also needs to be firm in letting her know that while she doesn't have to love or like you, she does need to treat you nicely and with respect as an adult. You two need to be a united front.

Once a month, have a family meeting, just the three of you. Each person can have a chance to voice their feelings and concerns politely. This has helped my blended family situation a lot.

I have boy10 and girl9, and I don't feel that his actions are inappropriate. I understand you are feeling judged, but it's important for parents to know what's going on in their kids' heads. Just the other night I asked my 10 yo how he was doing, how he felt about bf, his dad, me, etc. My daughter will flat out tell me that she isn't getting enough attention bc of the bf, etc. Raising your own family is not the same as having a skid. It is a different dynamic, has different emotions, different reactions from the kids. If you feel like you are doing everything you should be, you have nothing to worry about. Though if it were me, and I was the GF, I would definitely not be so involved. Are you both against marriage? You are doing a lot for him and her without having that commitment. I personally feel that parents who aren't that committed to each other shouldn't be involved in parenting each others' kids.

I understand why this would upset you. As you say, you provide a lot of care for this child. Fair enough if he wants to have heart to hearts with her but if they are discussing you then why not involve you in the conversation also? I think the suggestion of regular family meetings is a great idea. You ARE part of the family after all, a seemingly integral one at that!

Google the book "Stepmonster" on Amazon, even read the reviews, I felt a huge sigh of relief.

As scary as the title may sound, I have just finished reading it for the first time (believe me, there will be many more times).

It was like a sigh of relief that I am not going mad. So many dynamics, so many feelings. It taught me to say to DH with fulltime nearly 16 yo SD, that I am not trying to be right, I am trying to be understood.

We, as SM's are the easy targets to blame when it comes to conflict between dad and SD's in particular. The book explains why. Doesn't help fix things, but does help make things make sense to a degree.

My bf does things like this with his bd, (12). I find it rude.
I've raised 3 kids. I never ever sat down with them to find out if their poor little feelings were hurt bc dad was mean to them.
I mean.. that's perfectly fine if you wanna raise a bunch of giant babies but children need to know how to deal with situations where they don't like something that someone in their family does.
That's how they learn to go out into the world and be strong independent adults. Not a bunch of whiners that complain that everyone is out to get them bc they don't ask them what their feelings are all time.
Stop being a guilty parent. Just be a parent is what I want to tell my bf. And i've told him that.
He gives in to everything that his daughter says or wants. He might put up a bit of resistance for the sake of making himself feel better but he always gives in.
He hasn't said anything to me yet about my part in his life with his daughter but he knows how I feel.
I'm not happy feeling like I'm at the mercy and whims of a 12 year old much less anyone younger!!

Every parent should spend one on one time with each of their kids and that time should include talking about what's up in their worlds, whether it's behavior, the other parent, siblings, friends, school, whatever. He's keeping the line of communication open and for that you should be very proud of what a great dad he is. It will pay off later when she's a teen and they've built a pattern of trust and communication.